Transfer Day is HERE!

June 26, 2012

Today is our 2 year anniversary. It is also the day of our embryo transfer. Is this a coincidence? Maybe so, but I don't think it is. Anyone who has gone through infertility will tell you about the importance of dates. We all have dates that are forever burned into our memories-some of those are good, some of those are not. My hopes are that this day will be one that we remember for TWO good reasons-our anniversary and the day that we finally conceived our first child.

This morning I woke up well before my alarm sounded for me to get up. I fixed a cup of coffee and tried to have a "peaceful" morning while watching the TODAY Show.  I don't know how much peace I really had, but at least I tried.

Speaking of peace, since I was having such a difficult time obtaining it, I Googled "scriptures about anxiety" while I was sipping on my coffee. The one that continued to pop up was Philippians 4:6-7. "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." I decided to stand firmly on these words today. I presented my requests to God, and I prayed that His peace would guard my heart and mind throughout today and the next few weeks.

After my cup of coffee, I proceeded to get ready for our drive to Bedford. We left Seymour around 9:00 after stopping for donuts and drinks for breakfast (I know, real healthy). Along the way, I think I drove Justin crazy by asking him whether he was excited and how he felt about today. Anyone who knows my husband knows that he is not the most expressive person (to say the least). It's funny how God can put together two completely opposite people. I am probably overly expressive and emotional, while Justin remains cool, calm, and collected at all times. I guess that's good that we're opposites because two highly anxious people would probably not be a good combination. Even though I know this information about ourselves, it can really offend me when he doesn't show excitement how I do.

As we were approaching Bedford, we got caught up in a horrific traffic jam. The construction around this area is horrendous. This added to my level of anxiety because I feared being late to our appointment-which we were. Thankfully, my physician had prescribed 2 valium tablets for me to take about 30-45 minutes prior to the embryo transfer. They kicked in shortly after we got caught in the traffic jam. This eased the tension in the car-which my husband was greatly thankful for.

Once we FINALLY arrived at the clinic, they quickly took us back to meet with the embryologist to discuss the development of our embryos. This was one of the moments that I had specifically been in prayer for in the past few weeks. I had been praying that we would have at least one "high quality" embryo to transfer. The embryologist brought us pictures of our developing embryos along with their grades. We had 2 grade 5AA embryos!!! That's the best grade you can receive on a 5 day embryo at our clinic! We also had 12 other embryos that were good enough quality to freeze for later use. Below is a picture of the 2 5AA embryos:

Since we had such great quality embryos, both the embryologist and our doctor highly recommended only transferring one of the 5AA embryos. They warned that our chances of conceiving twins would be greater than 50% by transferring two. We still went with two for a few reasons: First, I have no desire to go through this process again anytime soon. Second, I start school in less than 2 months and I do not need to be taking off work all the time for these treatments. The risk of having twins is totally fine with me. They also warned that triplets and quadruplets were possible. For example, if both embryos implant and just one splits to form identical twins, you would end up with triplets (about a 5% chance of this happening). If both embryos implant and both split to form two sets of identical twins, you end up with quadruplets (this has happened only once in 11 years there). I feel comfortable with our decision.

After talking with the embryologist, we were taken to a room where Dr. Kevin Doody would perform the embryo transfer. They used a sonogram machine to guide a catheter into my uterus. Then they called the lab to bring in our two embryos for transfer. We watched the sonogram screen as our little babies were transferred into my uterus...pretty cool!

I had to remain lying down (with a full bladder...OUCH!) for about 20 minutes post transfer. After our time was up, we were free to leave the clinic. Justin and I decided to go eat at Abuelo's for lunch to celebrate our transfer and anniversary. I took it easy for the rest of the day, but no bed rest is required.

I will be anxiously awaiting our first pregnancy test on Thursday, July 5. I better find some things to do to keep my mind busy!!!

Day Before Transfer

June 25, 2012

This morning I woke up feeling quite a bit better than I have the previous few days. Since I felt so well, I decided to go to the school (where I work) and take care of a few things that needed to be done. I'm not currently having to work since school is out for the summer, but I have taken a new teaching position this year, so I need to do a lot of preparing for the upcoming year. I will be teaching Chemistry, IPC, and another high school science class that is basically formed for students who did not pass their TAKS Science Test last year. My new job in combination with my infertility stress gives me plenty to worry about.

After I left the school, I drove to Wichita Falls to have lunch with Megan Couch to celebrate her recent engagement. I am so happy for her! Kennedy (her daughter) chose for us to eat at Samarai of Tokyo. It was great getting to catch up with her. While we were eating, she received more good news-a new job that would require her to work less hours for the same pay. We now had two reasons to celebrate! I'm hoping in a few weeks we will be celebrating one more piece of exciting news (my pregnancy!).

I returned home early in the afternoon and started to feel bad again. I decided to take a nap in hopes that I could sleep off my discomfort.

Justin arrived home around midnight from Morton so that we can drive to Bedford tomorrow morning for our embryo transfer. I am hoping that I will get some sleep tonight. I can't quit thinking about what lies ahead of us tomorrow. I'm so excited, yet so scared at the same time. I like to call this "managing expectations". I want to be excited for the possibility of our first child but yet I want to be prepared in case the news is less than optimal.

Even though I'm "managing my expectations", I still can't help but to feel like this is going to be it for us! I can't wait to see what is ahead!

Egg Retrieval Sucks

June 24, 2012

 This morning I got up and got ready to go to church. I still felt terrible, but I decided I wasn't going to let Satan keep me from going since he already caused me to miss the women's conference on Saturday. I can't believe my doctors did not explain to me how miserable I would feel after the egg retrieval. I was completely blindsided!

 Church was wonderful, but I had a difficult time focusing because I felt so badly. I left church immediately after it was over to go home and try to rest. Justin came home late last night, so today I asked him to go get more Gatorade and some protein bars from the grocery store for me.I was so desperate for relief that I drank over 2 quarts of Gatorade, 2 glasses of V8, ate Campbell's chicken noodle soup (because of the sodium content), and ate 2 1/2 protein bars. Still miserable! My mom called to check on me later this afternoon and I just cried and cried on the phone about how miserable I feel. I told her I didn't think I could go through this again if it doesn't work this time. I told Justin the same thing later this evening during another meltdown.

 Later this evening Justin and I went to visit his parents and to check on his dad. We try to visit them as much as possible to make sure they are doing ok. Justin's dad is going through chemotherapy and radiation right now for lung cancer. Visiting with them made me realize that my pain is probably so insignificant in comparison to what his father is experiencing. It gave me motivation to continue on and to do everything we can to give him a grandchild. I can do this!

OHSS Scare

June 23, 2012

 Today I decided to drive back to Bedford for a check up since I am so bloated and miserable from the egg retrieval. I need peace of mind that I'm not developing OHSS (Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome) since I'm experiencing many of the symptoms. My mom and I got up super early so we could make it to Bedford before the doctor left that morning. Justin was out of town working again so he was unable to go. Once we arrived at the clinic, they took my vitals and did a sonogram to check everything out. My vitals were fine, but the sonogram did show that I had significant swelling of my ovaries (so much that they touch one another) and I have some fluid that is built up in my abdomen. No wonder I'm miserable! Dr. Kevin Doody decided that I probably have a mild to moderate case of OHSS but that it wasn't serious enough that we will have to cancel the embryo transfer (unless I get worse). They sent me home with the same instructions I had before: eat a high protein/ high sodium diet to get rid of the excess fluid. After the appointment, mom and I decided to make some use out of the trip by going shopping for new rugs for both of our houses. We also purchased lots of V8 juice for me because it has tons of sodium in it. After our shopping was completed, we headed back to Seymour. Later this evening I was still not feeling well, but I'm hoping I will be better by morning.

Day After Retrieval

June 22, 2012

So today I looked forward to waking up and hearing from the embryologist about how many of my eggs had fertilized yesterday. However, the way that I was feeling overshadowed any good news that could come. I woke up with a distended stomach (which I figured was normal considering I had surgery on my ovaries yesterday). What was NOT normal was the 6 pound weight gain that had occurred overnight. It's a cruel joke that I look about 5 months pregnant right now.

I waited for the embryologist to call before I called the clinic to report my symptoms. They called around 9:30 this morning and let me know that 22 out of the 27 eggs that were retrieved yesterday were actually mature. (Great news!) Then they proceeded to tell me that they performed ICSI (Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection) on all 22 mature eggs. Out of those 22, 17 fertilized! (More great news!) Then the embryologist went on to explain that out of the 17, I will most likely have 8 or more embryos that make it to the blastocyst stage (Day 5) for transfer.That means we will be having to make a decision about what to do with all of those embryos since we are only transferring 2. We will most likely freeze all of them in case we need them at a later time. She also informed me that we will probably not hear back from them until we arrive on transfer day because not much will be going on between now and then. On the day of the transfer, they will give us the number that made it to Day 5 and their grades.

The embryologist then told me what to expect on the day of transfer. She told us that we need to be in Bedford (with a full bladder) by noon on Tuesday, June 26 (which happens to be mine and Justin's 2 year anniversary!). The full bladder is needed so they can see my uterus better on the sonogram. The embryo transfer is not a surgical procedure. I will take valium about 30 minutes prior to the procedure, and my doctor will inject the 2 embryos into my uterus via a catheter right there in the office. I will be expected to lay in the chair for about 20 minutes post transfer and then I will need to take it easy for the remainder of the day.

After the embryologist finished giving me all of this information, I then asked her to speak with a nurse about some symptoms that I am having post retrieval. She said she would get the message to a nurse and one would call me back shortly.

Sure enough, about 10 minutes later, a nurse called to speak with me about my symptoms. I told her I was sore (as expected), was urinating every single hour, that my abdomen was distended, and that I had gained 6 pounds. She didn't seem too concerned about OHSS (Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome) because I was able to use the bathroom so much. She told me to call if anything changed.

I decided to try to get a few more hours of sleep since I slept very little last night for having to get up to go to the bathroom so often. After I woke up, I weighed myself again and had lost 3 pounds. Weird. Then I decided to drink some gatorade and eat a lunch with high sodium (as these were my instructions for how to get rid of the excess water that my ovaries were retaining). A few hours after lunch I weighed again. Back up 2 pounds. What the heck? All the while, I've been going to the bathroom constantly so I figured I would lose more.

After talking with my mom, I decided it was best to call the clinic back and let them know what was going on. A nurse informed me that I probably have a mild case of OHSS and that if I'm not better by the morning that I need to be seen at the clinic bright and early. This terrifies me because if the OHSS gets too severe, the doctor may cancel our embryo transfer. I would be absolutely devastated. I know that the logical thing to do is to get well, but the emotional side of me wants to do this transfer no matter how I feel. I guess we will see how I feel in the morning.

I will be praying extra tonight for miraculous healing in my body overnight. I pray that all the fluid will leave my body and that I will have no symptoms of OHSS by morning. I pray the weight I have gained will come off and that we will be able to proceed with the transfer on Tuesday.

Inappropriate Condolences

As I promised in an earlier post, I am writing a blog post that describes some of the inappropriate "condolences" that many people say to couples struggling with infertility.

Don't get me wrong, I love that people are concerned and want to make me feel better about my situation, but there are some things that can be said with good intentions that really hurt more than help. A few of these quotes are as follows:

-"If you can't have a child of your own, you can always just adopt." I know people who say this particular thing are trying to get me to see an "upside" to my situation, but right now that's not where my heart is leading me. I want a child that has mine and my husband's features. I want to be able to look into my child's eyes and see us in them. I want to experience the blessing of carrying a child and giving birth. I want to have that bond with my child during breastfeeding. I want all the things that go along with pregnancy. It doesn't make me feel any better to hear I can always adopt. I know that's an option, but it's not something I want to do right now. I want to exhaust my options of having our own biological child first. I don't need someone to disregard my feelings by telling me I have adoption as an alternative.

-"If you would quit trying, it will happen." Really? I've been to several OB/GYNs and to a fertility specialist, and not one of them has told us that that was a treatment option. How do you "quit trying" anyway? Does that mean that you cease from having sex with your husband? How do you get pregnant when you aren't having sex? I always have to really bite my tongue when this stupid comment is made. I know they think that I'm not getting pregnant because I'm too stressed about it, but who wouldn't be when you've been trying for 2 years?

-"God just doesn't think it's the right time for you to have a baby." Since when do you hold all of God's thoughts and plans about my life? I don't believe that God would give me such a strong desire to be a mother if I wasn't supposed to be one. Sometimes things happen to us that are really hard to get through, but that doesn't mean that God wants that for you. Would you tell a cancer patient who wasn't responding to their treatment that it wasn't God's will for them to get better? This comment really angers me because the God that I serve doesn't want to see his children suffer. He knows how miserable I am while going through this struggle with infertility, and I believe He has given humans the knowledge, the authority, and the capability of bypassing some of these problems that are actually from Satan and intends for us to use that knowledge and authority. I believe it is His will for us to be doing these fertility treatments. I don't believe he has CAUSED my infertility, but I do believe he is going to use this struggle to better me and is using this opportunity to be glorified when we do conceive.

-"Are you sure you really want kids? You can have mine!" I know the person who makes this type of comment is trying to use humor to make me feel better about my situation, but it really hurts my feelings more than it helps. Yes I'm sure that I want kids. I've had plenty of time to think about this. I never said I want kids because it's going to be a walk in the park and everything is going to be perfect all the time. It makes me furious that they would take having children for granted and act like it's such a burden. I know that raising a child is going to have its ups and downs, but since I have gone through the pain of not having that blessing, I will appreciate every moment-the good and the bad.

These are just a few of the most common examples of inappropriate comments that I've experienced so far. I'm sure I will have more to post before it's all said and done, so I will update this post as needed.

Hopefully anyone who reads this blog can learn from my experiences so they do not unintentionally hurt another couple who is struggling with this same issue. The best way to be a friend to someone struggling with infertility is to just listen and have sympathy and empathize with them. You don't necessarily need to say something to make them "feel better". Nothing you say is going to take away their pain. Instead, just listen to them when they are down and let them know you are always a shoulder to cry on when they need you.

Day of Retrieval

June 21, 2012

This morning I awoke at 4:30 to shower and get ready for the egg retrieval. I didn't get much sleep last night for all the excitement and nervousness for today. We left Seymour around 5:30 and arrived in Bedford by 8:15.

When we arrived at the clinic, the nurses immediately took me back to prepare me for surgery. They took my vitals, asked tons of questions, and began my IV. Dr. Kevin Doody introduced himself to me since he was going to perform my surgery in place of Dr. Kathleen Doody. The anesthesiologist then introduced himself and explained the standard risks involved with anesthesia.

While I was under, Justin was required to give his sample. They tested the sample to make sure there was enough sperm and good sperm quality that they could work with.

Around 9:00 they took me back to the O.R. to perform the egg retrieval. They were done by 9:30, and I woke up very quickly while we were still in the O.R. Dr. Doody informed me that they probably got a surplus of 20 eggs and that the embryologist would talk to us shortly about the exact number. For those of you who don't know, that is a LOT of eggs! It is good for the embryologist because he has so many to work with and thus increases chances for fertilization and good embryo quality. However, it puts Justin and I in a dilemma as to what we should do with the left over embryos. I hate that part of IVF.

After I came to the recovery room, I had some pretty significant pain from the procedure. The nurses were great about getting pain medication to me to ease the pain. Within 30 minutes I felt a lot better and we were able to go to the consultation area in the clinic to meet with the embryologist.

The embryologist came and introduced himself to us, and he described how the next few days would go with our embryos. He said that they retrieved 27 eggs from my ovaries. He said about 70% would fertilize, and about 50% of those would likely go on to be good enough quality for us to transfer. That means we would most likely end up with around 6-8 eggs available for transfer. We have decided that we are going to only transfer the 2 best quality embryos. The embryologist will give them a grade on the 5th day of incubation.

Tomorrow the embryologist will call us to inform us how many of our eggs fertilized. On day 3, they will call again to inform us how their cell development is progressing. On day 5 (day of transfer) they will give us their grades and show us pictures of our developing embryos. I think that part is pretty cool. How many people get to say they saw their child as a cluster of cells before they were born?

Tonight I am required to continue taking my antibiotics and steroids until they run out. Starting tomorrow I will be taking Endometrin (progesterone) and Estradiol. These help maintain a pregnancy once we have one.

I absolutely cannot wait for the next few days!