January 20, 2013
Ok, so I have really gotten lax on keeping this blog updated. For several months, I was really busy with decorating the nursery, work, Thanksgiving, and Christmas holiday festivities. Now that I am on bed rest (more about that in a minute), I have some spare time to keep the blog updated.
What's Been Happening Since My Last Post:
1. Olivia's room is all put together. All that is left is just a few wall decorations that need to be hung.
2. I was tested for gestational diabetes a few months ago and failed the 1 hour glucose test. I had to then take the 3 hour glucose test, and I passed it. No gestational diabetes for me!
3. My heart began to get worse in late November and early December. I called my cardiologist back and explained that I was having shortness of breath, a fast heart rate, and fatigue. He set me up for a 2 week heart monitor that I wore during the Christmas/New Year holidays. He also ordered that I begin bed rest at that time until he got the results from the monitor back.
4. I was unable to follow my doctor's orders for bed rest very closely because Justin's father was admitted to the hospital on Christmas Eve. Christmas day we found out that his lung cancer had spread to his brain, and it was at Stage IV---the very last stage. He was able to come back home for a few days with hospice coming to their house to help, but it was short-lived. He was getting very sick, so they had to place him in the hospice hospital in Wichita Falls. I was over there pretty frequently to spend some time with him in his last days. He lost his battle with cancer on January 6, 2013. We were all so very sad to lose such a great man and that he didn't get to meet Olivia. He had wanted grandchildren for such a long time, and he was so excited about her.
5. Justin, my mom, and I all attended childbirth classes with my doula recently. We learned a lot about what to expect during labor and delivery and how to cope with several different techniques. I am still trying to go for a natural and unmedicated childbirth if my body is able. Our doula also made a visit to our house to help us establish a birth plan. I am getting so excited (and a little nervous) about the arrival of Miss Olivia.
6. I have made registries at Target, Wal-Mart, and Storkland for my upcoming baby shower. The shower will be February 2, 2013. I am getting so excited! I can't wait to have everything we need for Olivia so that I can begin "nesting" and getting it all together. I won't actually get to do a whole lot of the work since I am on bed rest, but I have lots of help from my mom, Kayla, and Justin. I know it will all get done somehow.
7. We had a growth scan on Olivia in early January when I was 30 weeks pregnant to make sure she is growing properly. We were pretty shocked to learn that not only is she growing properly, but she's growing a LOT more than average. She already weighed 4 lbs 9 oz at the 30 week ultrasound, which made her actually measure about 33 weeks. She is in the 98th percentile. I'm thinking I might have a big baby on my hands.
8. On January 17, I had a cardiologist appointment to meet with my physician about the results from the heart monitor that I wore for 2 weeks. It revealed that my heart rate was too high (over 100 bpm almost the whole time I wore it, and reaching the 140s at times). He really got on to me about following his orders more closely because my blood pressure drops really low when I have some of these episodes. He said it is not good for Olivia, and I really needed to do better. He ordered bed rest until I deliver her and recommended wearing compression stockings (yuck!) to improve my circulation. I am doing my best to stay lying down since the appointment.
9. I am now seeing my OB every two weeks. I can't believe I am getting so close to having this baby! I will see her every two weeks for 2 more visits, then it will be weekly appointments. I am now 32 weeks pregnant, and we all think she might be coming a bit early since she is measuring ahead. I hope so...I'm ready to meet her!
10. This upcoming week, I have an appointment with a chiropractor. My doula highly recommended seeing one because it is known to make labor and delivery more smooth when everything is in alignment beforehand. Here's to hoping it works!
How's that for a semi-quick update on the last several months? I am hoping to do better now that I have some time. I will be posting again soon!
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Sunday, September 30, 2012
IT'S A GIRL!
September 30, 2012
I have not updated my blog in quite some time, but I do have a lot of great things to share from the past few weeks.
Almost two weeks ago, I had an unscheduled doctor's appointment due to a few complications I was having, and my doctor ordered an ultrasound to check on the baby. Everything was going great, and while performing the ultrasound, the technician informed us that we are "most likely" going to have a little girl! Justin was sure shocked at the news, as he has been calling the baby a boy from the very beginning. He wasn't going to believe the news until we got another ultrasound for confirmation. I was super excited when they told us that she was going to be a girl, but I would have been excited no matter what the sex turned out to be.
The weekend following that ultrasound, mom and I went to Wichita to do grocery shopping. While there, we couldn't help ourselves from looking around at baby items. We first went to a few fabric stores because I was wanting to find fabric to make the bedding out of. We didn't have much luck. We then made a trip to Storkland where I fell in love with some furniture and bedding for a little girl. I didn't purchase anything that day because we wanted to be certain that she was in fact a she.
On Friday of last week (September 28), I had a scheduled ultrasound at Storkvision to find out for sure about the sex of the baby. We invited my parents and Justin's mom to come with us. At the ultrasound, it was confirmed that we are definitely having a baby girl! I couldn't be more excited! The news is sinking in with Justin as well. He is now referring to her as Olivia rather than Jack. Haha! At the ultrasound, the technician was trying to show us a 3D picture of Olivia's face, but she simply would NOT cooperate. She was snuggled in behind the placenta and refused to show that sweet little face. We could see her move her arms to behind her head like she was just relaxing. I guess it was her nap time. The technician jiggled her around and had me move into all sorts of positions-all with no avail. She simply wanted to be left alone! Since Miss Priss did not cooperate, we will be returning to Storkvision on October 8 to see if we can get some better shots of her. After the ultrasound, Justin, my parents, and I went to eat at Olive Garden. Grammy and Papa Richie (my parents) already had a little gift for Miss Olivia. She received an adorable headband and hat (beanie) from her grandparents. I believe she just might be a little loved and spoiled already.
Saturday after the ultrasound, I drove back to Wichita to purchase the furniture and bedding that mom and I had picked out the weekend before. Justin has left all the nursery decorating up to me. He says that he figures he doesn't have much say anyway (and he's probably right). Plus, he has no idea what to do for a little girl. He is leaving that all up to me. All he wants to know is how much it costs---such a man! Anyway, so we got all of that ordered. I also picked out some paint at Lowe's so we can get her room painted before her furniture arrives. (This is where Justin will be useful. I have no intention of picking up a paint brush when doing the primer since the fumes are horrendous.) My mom and Kayla have both volunteered to help do the actual painting. I will probably be taking them up on that offer!
This week I have an appointment with Dr. Winfrey for a regular OB checkup. There is no ultrasound this week, but they will be using a doppler to detect her heart rate and will be doing blood work on me. Thankfully, nothing else is really happening this week. I feel like everything is going really well with the pregnancy, and each week I get a little more confident that everything is going to be OK with Olivia. I still have moments of panic every now and then, but they are getting less and less. I know I will probably never completely get rid of the worry that I have, but I thank God that He is building my faith and trust each and every day. In the next few weeks, I look forward to finally feeling movement from Olivia. It will be a daily reminder that she is doing well and thriving. I think that will give me even more reassurance than what I have now. But until then, I rely heavily on God's reassurance and promises that He is with us.
I have not updated my blog in quite some time, but I do have a lot of great things to share from the past few weeks.
Almost two weeks ago, I had an unscheduled doctor's appointment due to a few complications I was having, and my doctor ordered an ultrasound to check on the baby. Everything was going great, and while performing the ultrasound, the technician informed us that we are "most likely" going to have a little girl! Justin was sure shocked at the news, as he has been calling the baby a boy from the very beginning. He wasn't going to believe the news until we got another ultrasound for confirmation. I was super excited when they told us that she was going to be a girl, but I would have been excited no matter what the sex turned out to be.
The weekend following that ultrasound, mom and I went to Wichita to do grocery shopping. While there, we couldn't help ourselves from looking around at baby items. We first went to a few fabric stores because I was wanting to find fabric to make the bedding out of. We didn't have much luck. We then made a trip to Storkland where I fell in love with some furniture and bedding for a little girl. I didn't purchase anything that day because we wanted to be certain that she was in fact a she.
On Friday of last week (September 28), I had a scheduled ultrasound at Storkvision to find out for sure about the sex of the baby. We invited my parents and Justin's mom to come with us. At the ultrasound, it was confirmed that we are definitely having a baby girl! I couldn't be more excited! The news is sinking in with Justin as well. He is now referring to her as Olivia rather than Jack. Haha! At the ultrasound, the technician was trying to show us a 3D picture of Olivia's face, but she simply would NOT cooperate. She was snuggled in behind the placenta and refused to show that sweet little face. We could see her move her arms to behind her head like she was just relaxing. I guess it was her nap time. The technician jiggled her around and had me move into all sorts of positions-all with no avail. She simply wanted to be left alone! Since Miss Priss did not cooperate, we will be returning to Storkvision on October 8 to see if we can get some better shots of her. After the ultrasound, Justin, my parents, and I went to eat at Olive Garden. Grammy and Papa Richie (my parents) already had a little gift for Miss Olivia. She received an adorable headband and hat (beanie) from her grandparents. I believe she just might be a little loved and spoiled already.
Saturday after the ultrasound, I drove back to Wichita to purchase the furniture and bedding that mom and I had picked out the weekend before. Justin has left all the nursery decorating up to me. He says that he figures he doesn't have much say anyway (and he's probably right). Plus, he has no idea what to do for a little girl. He is leaving that all up to me. All he wants to know is how much it costs---such a man! Anyway, so we got all of that ordered. I also picked out some paint at Lowe's so we can get her room painted before her furniture arrives. (This is where Justin will be useful. I have no intention of picking up a paint brush when doing the primer since the fumes are horrendous.) My mom and Kayla have both volunteered to help do the actual painting. I will probably be taking them up on that offer!
This week I have an appointment with Dr. Winfrey for a regular OB checkup. There is no ultrasound this week, but they will be using a doppler to detect her heart rate and will be doing blood work on me. Thankfully, nothing else is really happening this week. I feel like everything is going really well with the pregnancy, and each week I get a little more confident that everything is going to be OK with Olivia. I still have moments of panic every now and then, but they are getting less and less. I know I will probably never completely get rid of the worry that I have, but I thank God that He is building my faith and trust each and every day. In the next few weeks, I look forward to finally feeling movement from Olivia. It will be a daily reminder that she is doing well and thriving. I think that will give me even more reassurance than what I have now. But until then, I rely heavily on God's reassurance and promises that He is with us.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Heart Test Results & Lab Work from NT Scan
September 13, 2012
Earlier this week I got an email from our OB's office that said our lab results had been posted to the patient portal online. I logged on and read all the results. Everything turned out great. Our chances of having a child with trisomy 18 is less than 1 in 10,000. Our odds of having a child with Down's Syndrome was less than 1 in 5000 something. Great results!
Today I returned to the cardiologist for my echocardiogram & heart monitor results. He told me that my heart monitor didn't catch anything that has him very worried. My heart rate did get on the high end of normal, but nothing he is concerned with. However, my echocardiogram revealed that I have two heart valves that are leaking. The pregnancy will likely make this issue worse, but he is going to continue monitoring me as it progresses. There is nothing we can do about it right now while I'm pregnant, so I'm going back in January to see what it looks like about 2 months before delivery. We will see what we need to do about the issue after the birth. He also said my lab results show that I'm slightly anemic, but I can take iron supplements to help with that.
That's about all we know for now. I do have something exciting to look forward to...we get to find out the gender of the baby in 2 weeks (September 28). I cannot wait to see what this little one is going to be so I can start all the decorating for the nursery! I'm praising God that the baby is still doing so great. I can go through anything so long as I have a healthy child!
Earlier this week I got an email from our OB's office that said our lab results had been posted to the patient portal online. I logged on and read all the results. Everything turned out great. Our chances of having a child with trisomy 18 is less than 1 in 10,000. Our odds of having a child with Down's Syndrome was less than 1 in 5000 something. Great results!
Today I returned to the cardiologist for my echocardiogram & heart monitor results. He told me that my heart monitor didn't catch anything that has him very worried. My heart rate did get on the high end of normal, but nothing he is concerned with. However, my echocardiogram revealed that I have two heart valves that are leaking. The pregnancy will likely make this issue worse, but he is going to continue monitoring me as it progresses. There is nothing we can do about it right now while I'm pregnant, so I'm going back in January to see what it looks like about 2 months before delivery. We will see what we need to do about the issue after the birth. He also said my lab results show that I'm slightly anemic, but I can take iron supplements to help with that.
That's about all we know for now. I do have something exciting to look forward to...we get to find out the gender of the baby in 2 weeks (September 28). I cannot wait to see what this little one is going to be so I can start all the decorating for the nursery! I'm praising God that the baby is still doing so great. I can go through anything so long as I have a healthy child!
Sunday, September 9, 2012
NT Scan Results
September 9, 2012
I'm finally taking a few minutes to give an update on this week's doctor's appointments. I had an OB appointment as well as another cardiologist appointment on Thursday. I will begin with the cardiologist.
When I went to the cardiologist on Thursday, I was expecting to get more information than what we did. They did an echocardiogram, but the technician did not tell me anything about what she saw. My appointment was at 4:45 that afternoon, and everyone was in a rush to get out of there. After the echo, I met with a nurse who hooked me up to a heart monitor. They informed me that I would only have to wear it for 24 hours and that it must be returned by 5 the next day (Friday). They quickly got me out the door and gave me no other information at all. I will be returning to this doctor on Thursday this week to get some answers. I really feel that most of the issues I am having just stem from the added stress on my heart due to the pregnancy. I am not losing much sleep over it.
Last Thursday, we also had another OB appointment for a NT (Nuchal Translucency) Scan. This ultrasound is performed between weeks 11 and 14 to measure the nuchal fold on the back of the baby's neck to check for Down's Syndrome and other similar chromosomal issues. The nuchal fold should measure smaller than 3 mm--our baby's measured 1.7, so they are pretty positive that there are no abnormalities. They also took blood work to go along with NT scan. They checked my blood for PAPP-A and HCG levels. The combination of the blood work and the NT scan will give them a more definite answer about chromosomal issues. I feel that everything is fine after the NT scan, so I'm not concerned about the lab results (which we will receive in about a week).
While performing the ultrasound, I asked the technician about the subchorionic hemorrhage that they had found a few weeks ago. She said it was still there but very, very small. However, she then began to explain that the placenta has formed over the top of my cervix (which is not at all where it should be). The placenta is supposed to form at the top of your uterus completely away from the cervix.
When we finally got the chance to meet with our doctor, I asked her about the issue with the placenta. My main concern was that the baby will be OK. She said the issue with the placenta will not harm the baby. She said it is called placenta previa when the placenta forms over the cervix. I happen to have complete placenta previa right now, and she is hoping that as my uterus expands, the placenta will move away from my cervix. They will check the location of the placenta again at my 20 week ultrasound. If it has not moved, they will likely have me on bed rest until labor. She also told us that there is no way to have a vaginal birth with placenta previa because it causes severe bleeding and is life-threatening for both mother and baby. I would be forced to have a C-Section if the placenta does not change positions.
I emailed my doula about this information, and she agrees with my doctor. She explained the condition a lot better by comparing my uterus to a balloon. She said that the placenta cannot actually pick up and "move" to another location because it is attached to the uterus. However, as my uterus expands, hopefully the placenta will move away from the cervix. For example, if you draw a dot on a balloon before it is inflated, and then you blow it up, the dot will appear to "move". The same can happen to the placenta as my uterus expands during the pregnancy. She said if the placenta does not "move", then this was definitely a case where medical intervention is necessary and used for a good reason.
I did some research about this condition, and I found that with complete placenta previa, the likelihood of the placenta moving far enough away from the cervix might not be favorable. Even with the discouraging news, I still have a LOT to be thankful for. My baby is doing so well. He/she is very healthy and free of any abnormalities that we know of. He/she had a perfect heart rate and we saw that their organs and limbs were forming as they should. The condition that I have right now is not a threat to the baby as long as I follow the directions of my doctors. I am going to be in constant prayer that God will be with us through the remainder of the pregnancy and that He will protect both the baby and me. I know He is going to take care of us, and even if things aren't "perfect", it is just another opportunity for Him to be glorified when He changes that situation into something good. I am specifically praying that my uterus expands in such a way that the placenta will move to the location it is supposed to be. I know He alone has the power to do that. I'm leaving it all in His hands and refuse to waste energy on the negatives about this pregnancy. I am so eternally grateful to Him for blessing me with this precious child that nothing can steal that joy. No matter how I have to bring this baby into the world, all that matters in the end is that we are both healthy. I am so ready to see my beautiful child and have them in my arms. I want to kiss those sweet cheeks and nurture and raise this child to know that he/she is not only loved by me, but they are also so loved by God.
Here are some pictures of Baby Ermis at 13 weeks. The ultrasound picture is of his/her profile with a fist up to his/her mouth.
I'm finally taking a few minutes to give an update on this week's doctor's appointments. I had an OB appointment as well as another cardiologist appointment on Thursday. I will begin with the cardiologist.
When I went to the cardiologist on Thursday, I was expecting to get more information than what we did. They did an echocardiogram, but the technician did not tell me anything about what she saw. My appointment was at 4:45 that afternoon, and everyone was in a rush to get out of there. After the echo, I met with a nurse who hooked me up to a heart monitor. They informed me that I would only have to wear it for 24 hours and that it must be returned by 5 the next day (Friday). They quickly got me out the door and gave me no other information at all. I will be returning to this doctor on Thursday this week to get some answers. I really feel that most of the issues I am having just stem from the added stress on my heart due to the pregnancy. I am not losing much sleep over it.
Last Thursday, we also had another OB appointment for a NT (Nuchal Translucency) Scan. This ultrasound is performed between weeks 11 and 14 to measure the nuchal fold on the back of the baby's neck to check for Down's Syndrome and other similar chromosomal issues. The nuchal fold should measure smaller than 3 mm--our baby's measured 1.7, so they are pretty positive that there are no abnormalities. They also took blood work to go along with NT scan. They checked my blood for PAPP-A and HCG levels. The combination of the blood work and the NT scan will give them a more definite answer about chromosomal issues. I feel that everything is fine after the NT scan, so I'm not concerned about the lab results (which we will receive in about a week).
While performing the ultrasound, I asked the technician about the subchorionic hemorrhage that they had found a few weeks ago. She said it was still there but very, very small. However, she then began to explain that the placenta has formed over the top of my cervix (which is not at all where it should be). The placenta is supposed to form at the top of your uterus completely away from the cervix.
When we finally got the chance to meet with our doctor, I asked her about the issue with the placenta. My main concern was that the baby will be OK. She said the issue with the placenta will not harm the baby. She said it is called placenta previa when the placenta forms over the cervix. I happen to have complete placenta previa right now, and she is hoping that as my uterus expands, the placenta will move away from my cervix. They will check the location of the placenta again at my 20 week ultrasound. If it has not moved, they will likely have me on bed rest until labor. She also told us that there is no way to have a vaginal birth with placenta previa because it causes severe bleeding and is life-threatening for both mother and baby. I would be forced to have a C-Section if the placenta does not change positions.
I emailed my doula about this information, and she agrees with my doctor. She explained the condition a lot better by comparing my uterus to a balloon. She said that the placenta cannot actually pick up and "move" to another location because it is attached to the uterus. However, as my uterus expands, hopefully the placenta will move away from the cervix. For example, if you draw a dot on a balloon before it is inflated, and then you blow it up, the dot will appear to "move". The same can happen to the placenta as my uterus expands during the pregnancy. She said if the placenta does not "move", then this was definitely a case where medical intervention is necessary and used for a good reason.
I did some research about this condition, and I found that with complete placenta previa, the likelihood of the placenta moving far enough away from the cervix might not be favorable. Even with the discouraging news, I still have a LOT to be thankful for. My baby is doing so well. He/she is very healthy and free of any abnormalities that we know of. He/she had a perfect heart rate and we saw that their organs and limbs were forming as they should. The condition that I have right now is not a threat to the baby as long as I follow the directions of my doctors. I am going to be in constant prayer that God will be with us through the remainder of the pregnancy and that He will protect both the baby and me. I know He is going to take care of us, and even if things aren't "perfect", it is just another opportunity for Him to be glorified when He changes that situation into something good. I am specifically praying that my uterus expands in such a way that the placenta will move to the location it is supposed to be. I know He alone has the power to do that. I'm leaving it all in His hands and refuse to waste energy on the negatives about this pregnancy. I am so eternally grateful to Him for blessing me with this precious child that nothing can steal that joy. No matter how I have to bring this baby into the world, all that matters in the end is that we are both healthy. I am so ready to see my beautiful child and have them in my arms. I want to kiss those sweet cheeks and nurture and raise this child to know that he/she is not only loved by me, but they are also so loved by God.
Here are some pictures of Baby Ermis at 13 weeks. The ultrasound picture is of his/her profile with a fist up to his/her mouth.
Friday, August 31, 2012
My Week at a Glance
August 31, 2012
This week marked the beginning of the 2012-2013 school year. Even though I was super busy with the start of school, I LOVE teaching at the high school level. I am really enjoying what and who I'm teaching this year. It makes it pretty easy to get up and want to go to work.
As I mentioned in a previous blog post, I was forced to take off work today for an appointment with a cardiologist. My appointment was this morning at 10, so I took off a full day because I had no idea how long it would take. Justin went with me since he is finally working back in town!
The first thing the nurses did when I arrived was take my vitals and asked a million questions. After being interrogated, they hooked me up for an EKG. I was shocked that the test only took about 2 minutes. After the test was complete, the nurse didn't tell me anything. Shortly after, a nurse practitioner came into the room to ask even more questions and to tell me that my EKG showed that my heart got out of rhythm in one place. She discussed that my doctor would likely want to perform an echocardiogram and make me wear a monitor for a week or two to find out more information. She also discussed a few medications that would be safe to take during pregnancy if we have to go that route.
Next we finally got to meet our doctor. His name is Dr. Ganeshram. He asked if I have ever had any fainting spells before, and I have-but they were long before my pregnancy. He asked if I had ever seen a cardiologist about it, and when I said no, he looked at me like I was a complete moron. We had gone to a doctor about it, but they always thought it was neurological and related to migraines. He also asked if I've had any blood clots....ummm, yeah I have one right now as a matter of fact. It's a subchorionic hemorrhage in the placenta. Anyway, he proceeded to explain that he saw a spot in the EKG that had a short interval that gets the rhythm a bit off. He also explained that pregnancy is a huge strain on the heart because it has to pump blood to both me and the baby now. That is why my symptoms have most likely been more noticeable. He scheduled another appointment for next week (the same day as my next ultrasound) to do the echocardiogram and to give me my monitor. I will then have to return the following week to get some results. That's about all we know for now...I'll keep everyone updated as we find out more.
After the appointment, we came back home. I planned to take a nap this afternoon, but my life decided to get even more dramatic instead. I will warn readers that this might be TMI for some people, so proceed with caution! When I arrived home from our appointment, I had to go to the bathroom. While in there, I noticed a tiny bit of bleeding. Of course I freaked out a little, but tried to reassure myself that it was just the subchorionic hemorrhage that they had previously warned me about. I called my doctor, and they told me it was probably just the hemorrhage and was nothing to be concerned about unless it got worse. That was not an acceptable answer for me, so I requested that they see me since it is Friday and I sure don't want something major to happen on the weekend. They didn't have any spots open for a sonogram but agreed to see me and find the baby's heartbeat on a Doppler. I rushed back to Wichita to have the baby checked out. I had to see a different doctor because mine was unavailable, but I didn't care. She began trying to find the heartbeat using the Doppler, and it was taking her forever! She searched for about 5 minutes with no avail. Finally about 8-10 minutes into it, she found it. She couldn't even get the reading because it quickly disappeared. She began searching again and spotted it pretty quickly this time. She said he/she must have been very active and that is why it was so difficult to keep it on the heartbeat. She got a reading in the 160's, which is perfect. Thank you God!
Next week I have my OB and cardiologist appointments. I'm very excited about seeing our baby again, and I'm ready to find out more about the heart issue. I'm praying that it is just the strain of the pregnancy and that we don't have to do anything about it. Any prayers you could send our way will be much appreciated!
This week marked the beginning of the 2012-2013 school year. Even though I was super busy with the start of school, I LOVE teaching at the high school level. I am really enjoying what and who I'm teaching this year. It makes it pretty easy to get up and want to go to work.
As I mentioned in a previous blog post, I was forced to take off work today for an appointment with a cardiologist. My appointment was this morning at 10, so I took off a full day because I had no idea how long it would take. Justin went with me since he is finally working back in town!
The first thing the nurses did when I arrived was take my vitals and asked a million questions. After being interrogated, they hooked me up for an EKG. I was shocked that the test only took about 2 minutes. After the test was complete, the nurse didn't tell me anything. Shortly after, a nurse practitioner came into the room to ask even more questions and to tell me that my EKG showed that my heart got out of rhythm in one place. She discussed that my doctor would likely want to perform an echocardiogram and make me wear a monitor for a week or two to find out more information. She also discussed a few medications that would be safe to take during pregnancy if we have to go that route.
Next we finally got to meet our doctor. His name is Dr. Ganeshram. He asked if I have ever had any fainting spells before, and I have-but they were long before my pregnancy. He asked if I had ever seen a cardiologist about it, and when I said no, he looked at me like I was a complete moron. We had gone to a doctor about it, but they always thought it was neurological and related to migraines. He also asked if I've had any blood clots....ummm, yeah I have one right now as a matter of fact. It's a subchorionic hemorrhage in the placenta. Anyway, he proceeded to explain that he saw a spot in the EKG that had a short interval that gets the rhythm a bit off. He also explained that pregnancy is a huge strain on the heart because it has to pump blood to both me and the baby now. That is why my symptoms have most likely been more noticeable. He scheduled another appointment for next week (the same day as my next ultrasound) to do the echocardiogram and to give me my monitor. I will then have to return the following week to get some results. That's about all we know for now...I'll keep everyone updated as we find out more.
After the appointment, we came back home. I planned to take a nap this afternoon, but my life decided to get even more dramatic instead. I will warn readers that this might be TMI for some people, so proceed with caution! When I arrived home from our appointment, I had to go to the bathroom. While in there, I noticed a tiny bit of bleeding. Of course I freaked out a little, but tried to reassure myself that it was just the subchorionic hemorrhage that they had previously warned me about. I called my doctor, and they told me it was probably just the hemorrhage and was nothing to be concerned about unless it got worse. That was not an acceptable answer for me, so I requested that they see me since it is Friday and I sure don't want something major to happen on the weekend. They didn't have any spots open for a sonogram but agreed to see me and find the baby's heartbeat on a Doppler. I rushed back to Wichita to have the baby checked out. I had to see a different doctor because mine was unavailable, but I didn't care. She began trying to find the heartbeat using the Doppler, and it was taking her forever! She searched for about 5 minutes with no avail. Finally about 8-10 minutes into it, she found it. She couldn't even get the reading because it quickly disappeared. She began searching again and spotted it pretty quickly this time. She said he/she must have been very active and that is why it was so difficult to keep it on the heartbeat. She got a reading in the 160's, which is perfect. Thank you God!
Next week I have my OB and cardiologist appointments. I'm very excited about seeing our baby again, and I'm ready to find out more about the heart issue. I'm praying that it is just the strain of the pregnancy and that we don't have to do anything about it. Any prayers you could send our way will be much appreciated!
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Doula, Doctors, & Back to Work
August 25, 2012
I started back to work this week, and it was tough! I had several trainings to attend, and I also had to prepare my classroom and lessons for next week. I can't believe summer is over and school is here already! I have my classroom prepared, but I am still working on lesson plans through the weekend. It's a lot of work to prepare power points and notes for each lesson, but I know that's one of the best ways to get and keep my students' attention since I can add in graphics and videos.
Even while the chaos of "back to school" is going on, I am also still dealing with all the planning that goes into a pregnancy. All of this combined makes for one tired momma-to-be. Lately I've been having some very strange sensations happening in my body. It's difficult to describe, but I will do my best. First, every once in awhile, my heart will start racing for no apparent reason. When it does this, I can actually feel my heartbeat up in my throat. It also makes me become out of breath very quickly and easily. In addition to the increases in my heart rate, I also have periodic spells of dizziness. I can't describe how funny it makes my head feel. I've monitored my blood pressure at home on a digital blood pressure machine, and it has ran quite low throughout my whole pregnancy. Many times it is not surprising to see it run 85/58 or something in that neighborhood. I'm sure this contributes to my tiredness and dizziness. I've also caught my heart rate on the same machine when it was racing-it was a little over 100 bpm. I called my doctor about these symptoms, and they referred me to a cardiologist. I'm sure they are just doing it for precautionary reasons, but my logic is that these symptoms are likely a side-effect of hormones. I rarely have anything go as "normal". They scheduled my appointment for August 31 (next Friday). I was pretty embarrassed to have to ask for a sub on the first week of school, but my health and this pregnancy trumps just about anything else right now. I also have to take off work the following week (September 6) for an OB appointment. Oh well.
On Thursday of last week, mom and I drove to Wichita Falls to meet with a doula. Justin was supposed to attend the meeting, but he had to go out of town again for work. For those of you who are curious, a doula is a woman who is certified and trained in childbirth. She supports the mother and father emotionally and physically. She provides information and support to the parents before, during, and after birth. I decided to hire a doula because I am planning to have an unmedicated birth in a hospital. I made this decision based on a lot of research about epidurals and pain medication. Basically I've found that an epidural can slow your labor or even stop it because you become so relaxed. This often prompts a doctor to then give pitocin (more medicine to make contractions stronger). The pitocin may or may not help with starting your labor again and can often lead to a C-Section if the doctor feels that you aren't making enough progress. Also, epidurals are known for dropping your heart rate as well as the baby's. This almost always leads to a C-Section because the baby becomes distressed. I'd rather avoid a C-Section at all costs. It increases your recovery time, and many doctors then refuse to do a VBAC (Vaginal Birth after Cesarean) because it can be dangerous. In addition to leading to C-Sections, epidurals and pain medication also affect the baby. It can make them loopy/drowsy and less likely to latch on for breastfeeding. They can be dangerous to both mom and baby. My philosophy and belief is that a woman's body is intended to give birth and knows how to do it. God designed our bodies to do this. I don't need or want intervention unless my baby is in danger. At that time, I would obviously do anything to make sure he/she is healthy. Yes, I know that it will be painful. And I'm sure there will be points in my labor that I question my decision; but with the help of my doula and family, I know I can do it.
Anyway, we met with my doula, and my mom and I both really liked her. She seems very educated on the subject, and our personalities went very well together. She will be on call from two weeks before my due date until I give birth. Basically when I go into labor, I will call her to describe what I'm experiencing. She will be able to tell how far along I am in the process and give advice over the phone. When she believes I'm in active labor, she will drive to Seymour to meet with us in our home. She will allow me to labor at home as long as I feel comfortable (I've decided I will probably only labor at home until about 4-5 centimeters). We will then drive to Wichita Falls to be admitted into the hospital. There I only intend to monitor the baby's heartbeat to ensure their health. I don't wish to be hooked up to any IV's so that I can move around more easily. (Laboring in bed is one of the worst ways to labor.) My doula will be there to help Justin know how to help me alleviate pain. She will also give me advice about what doctors and nurses are telling me. She will be there to encourage me when I become weak, and she will do her best to help me avoid deviating from my birth plan. She does NOT tell me I can't have an epidural or a C-Section. She will support me if that is something I decide I need to do.
After we make it through birth, my doula will stay long enough to help get my baby latched on for breastfeeding, make sure Justin & I are taken care of (food, drinks, etc...), and to make sure we are all comfortable. She will then leave and allow us to have our family bonding time. She will make one post-partum visit at my house to check on baby and me. She will give resources for additional breastfeeding support if needed. She also gives us a copy of our birth story that she puts together for us.
I'm excited about the weeks and months to come. I'm ready to get past the next few doctor's appointments and to see that everything is still going OK. I'm hoping the first few weeks of school will fly by and I will get used to being back in a routine!
I started back to work this week, and it was tough! I had several trainings to attend, and I also had to prepare my classroom and lessons for next week. I can't believe summer is over and school is here already! I have my classroom prepared, but I am still working on lesson plans through the weekend. It's a lot of work to prepare power points and notes for each lesson, but I know that's one of the best ways to get and keep my students' attention since I can add in graphics and videos.
Even while the chaos of "back to school" is going on, I am also still dealing with all the planning that goes into a pregnancy. All of this combined makes for one tired momma-to-be. Lately I've been having some very strange sensations happening in my body. It's difficult to describe, but I will do my best. First, every once in awhile, my heart will start racing for no apparent reason. When it does this, I can actually feel my heartbeat up in my throat. It also makes me become out of breath very quickly and easily. In addition to the increases in my heart rate, I also have periodic spells of dizziness. I can't describe how funny it makes my head feel. I've monitored my blood pressure at home on a digital blood pressure machine, and it has ran quite low throughout my whole pregnancy. Many times it is not surprising to see it run 85/58 or something in that neighborhood. I'm sure this contributes to my tiredness and dizziness. I've also caught my heart rate on the same machine when it was racing-it was a little over 100 bpm. I called my doctor about these symptoms, and they referred me to a cardiologist. I'm sure they are just doing it for precautionary reasons, but my logic is that these symptoms are likely a side-effect of hormones. I rarely have anything go as "normal". They scheduled my appointment for August 31 (next Friday). I was pretty embarrassed to have to ask for a sub on the first week of school, but my health and this pregnancy trumps just about anything else right now. I also have to take off work the following week (September 6) for an OB appointment. Oh well.
On Thursday of last week, mom and I drove to Wichita Falls to meet with a doula. Justin was supposed to attend the meeting, but he had to go out of town again for work. For those of you who are curious, a doula is a woman who is certified and trained in childbirth. She supports the mother and father emotionally and physically. She provides information and support to the parents before, during, and after birth. I decided to hire a doula because I am planning to have an unmedicated birth in a hospital. I made this decision based on a lot of research about epidurals and pain medication. Basically I've found that an epidural can slow your labor or even stop it because you become so relaxed. This often prompts a doctor to then give pitocin (more medicine to make contractions stronger). The pitocin may or may not help with starting your labor again and can often lead to a C-Section if the doctor feels that you aren't making enough progress. Also, epidurals are known for dropping your heart rate as well as the baby's. This almost always leads to a C-Section because the baby becomes distressed. I'd rather avoid a C-Section at all costs. It increases your recovery time, and many doctors then refuse to do a VBAC (Vaginal Birth after Cesarean) because it can be dangerous. In addition to leading to C-Sections, epidurals and pain medication also affect the baby. It can make them loopy/drowsy and less likely to latch on for breastfeeding. They can be dangerous to both mom and baby. My philosophy and belief is that a woman's body is intended to give birth and knows how to do it. God designed our bodies to do this. I don't need or want intervention unless my baby is in danger. At that time, I would obviously do anything to make sure he/she is healthy. Yes, I know that it will be painful. And I'm sure there will be points in my labor that I question my decision; but with the help of my doula and family, I know I can do it.
Anyway, we met with my doula, and my mom and I both really liked her. She seems very educated on the subject, and our personalities went very well together. She will be on call from two weeks before my due date until I give birth. Basically when I go into labor, I will call her to describe what I'm experiencing. She will be able to tell how far along I am in the process and give advice over the phone. When she believes I'm in active labor, she will drive to Seymour to meet with us in our home. She will allow me to labor at home as long as I feel comfortable (I've decided I will probably only labor at home until about 4-5 centimeters). We will then drive to Wichita Falls to be admitted into the hospital. There I only intend to monitor the baby's heartbeat to ensure their health. I don't wish to be hooked up to any IV's so that I can move around more easily. (Laboring in bed is one of the worst ways to labor.) My doula will be there to help Justin know how to help me alleviate pain. She will also give me advice about what doctors and nurses are telling me. She will be there to encourage me when I become weak, and she will do her best to help me avoid deviating from my birth plan. She does NOT tell me I can't have an epidural or a C-Section. She will support me if that is something I decide I need to do.
After we make it through birth, my doula will stay long enough to help get my baby latched on for breastfeeding, make sure Justin & I are taken care of (food, drinks, etc...), and to make sure we are all comfortable. She will then leave and allow us to have our family bonding time. She will make one post-partum visit at my house to check on baby and me. She will give resources for additional breastfeeding support if needed. She also gives us a copy of our birth story that she puts together for us.
I'm excited about the weeks and months to come. I'm ready to get past the next few doctor's appointments and to see that everything is still going OK. I'm hoping the first few weeks of school will fly by and I will get used to being back in a routine!
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
First OB Appointment/Prayer Request
August 15, 2012
This morning I had my very first OB appointment in Wichita Falls. I am using Dr. Winfrey at The Women's Clinic, but she is out on maternity leave until the end of this month, so I saw the nurse practitioner.
The first thing they did was take me back for another ultrasound (Yay, I never get tired of seeing our baby). The little one has grown quite a lot in just one week. Today I was able to see tiny little arms and legs. Also, baby Ermis was squirming and wiggling around all over the place. It was absolutely precious! I've never seen that until today. The sonogram technician measured the CRL (crown to rump length), and baby was measuring exactly on track at 9 weeks 6 days. Next she spotted the heartbeat and it was beating at 165 bpm, perfect!
Next the technician looked for my ovaries so that she could measure the cysts that have formed from the IVF medications. While looking around, she spotted one thing that is kind of scary. She found a subchorionic hemorrhage, which is basically a buildup of blood between the placenta and uterine wall. She warned me that the hemorrhage may cause bleeding and wanted me to be aware so I didn't totally freak out thinking it is a miscarriage. In most cases, the hemorrhage will resolve on its own by either bleeding out or reabsorbing into my body. I'm definitely praying for the latter. In some cases the hemorrhage can actually cause miscarriage (from what I've researched), but my caregivers did not seem concerned about that at all. They told me if I began to bleed that they will do another sonogram to ease my worries. The hemorrhage also increases chances of preterm labor and placental abruption, but that is rare. Even so, I ask anyone who follows my blog to be in prayer that this hemorrhage will reabsorb and be gone by my next appointment so I don't have to worry about it anymore.
After the ultrasound, I met with the nurse practitioner to go over all the do's and don'ts of pregnancy. I already knew the majority of this information since I've been seeing a specialist, but I know it's routine. They performed all the routine lab work, pap, and breast exam. I've had almost all of the lab testing done before now also, but I know they want to do it for their own records.
All in all, my first appointment was great. I love how detailed my caregivers were to set my mind at ease. They really did their best to keep me from being scared. I go back in a few weeks (September 6) for the nuchal translucency test for Down's Syndrome, Trisomy 18, etc... I will have another sonogram, so I'm definitely looking forward to seeing the baby again and seeing that my hemorrhage has healed. I will be in prayer that everything continues progressing normally and we have no issues come up. Here's a picture of baby Ermis from today:
This morning I had my very first OB appointment in Wichita Falls. I am using Dr. Winfrey at The Women's Clinic, but she is out on maternity leave until the end of this month, so I saw the nurse practitioner.
The first thing they did was take me back for another ultrasound (Yay, I never get tired of seeing our baby). The little one has grown quite a lot in just one week. Today I was able to see tiny little arms and legs. Also, baby Ermis was squirming and wiggling around all over the place. It was absolutely precious! I've never seen that until today. The sonogram technician measured the CRL (crown to rump length), and baby was measuring exactly on track at 9 weeks 6 days. Next she spotted the heartbeat and it was beating at 165 bpm, perfect!
Next the technician looked for my ovaries so that she could measure the cysts that have formed from the IVF medications. While looking around, she spotted one thing that is kind of scary. She found a subchorionic hemorrhage, which is basically a buildup of blood between the placenta and uterine wall. She warned me that the hemorrhage may cause bleeding and wanted me to be aware so I didn't totally freak out thinking it is a miscarriage. In most cases, the hemorrhage will resolve on its own by either bleeding out or reabsorbing into my body. I'm definitely praying for the latter. In some cases the hemorrhage can actually cause miscarriage (from what I've researched), but my caregivers did not seem concerned about that at all. They told me if I began to bleed that they will do another sonogram to ease my worries. The hemorrhage also increases chances of preterm labor and placental abruption, but that is rare. Even so, I ask anyone who follows my blog to be in prayer that this hemorrhage will reabsorb and be gone by my next appointment so I don't have to worry about it anymore.
After the ultrasound, I met with the nurse practitioner to go over all the do's and don'ts of pregnancy. I already knew the majority of this information since I've been seeing a specialist, but I know it's routine. They performed all the routine lab work, pap, and breast exam. I've had almost all of the lab testing done before now also, but I know they want to do it for their own records.
Sunday, August 12, 2012
We're Not Beggars
August 12, 2012
Yesterday was a very emotional day for me. There was no apparent reason for my fears and doubts; they were just there and taunting me all day. I hate days like that. It can make you feel so helpless and weak.
This morning I got up and went to church. Can I just say how much I love my church? I attend Harvest Christian Fellowship, and I love it for so many reasons. One of those reasons is that I feel and hear God there. Another reason I love this church is for the people within it. There are some amazing individuals who are connected and in tune with God's will and purpose for our lives and our community, and they are so loving and so supporting and have God's heart. I just love it. This entry was not supposed to be about how much I love my church, but I just had to express how much I am blessed by it.
This morning, one individual said that she just felt like she needed to say that the Enemy gets us to believe some really stupid lies. He tells us that God is not enough or that God cannot help us in our situation. I fall into the Enemy's trap so many times when it comes to my baby and our health. He likes to place really evil thoughts and lies into my head so that I can't enjoy such an incredible gift that God has given to me. God is my provider. He is my father. He loves me, and there is nothing He can't do. In Matthew 7:11 it says, "If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how MUCH MORE will your father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him." I just love this view of our heavenly Father. He is not some hard, judgmental ruler who is just waiting for you to mess up so he can strike you down. We are his children, and he wants to give us good things even more than what our earthly father wants to give. That is just amazing to me because I have a pretty awesome earthly father who has gone above and beyond to give his children all we've ever wanted or needed. God is that much more!
Tonight I returned to church for our monthly CORE service. I was blessed again by the message. The message was about prayer. Often we view prayer as a sort of chore that is really boring. Sometimes we even feel guilty if we forget to pray. Prayer was never meant to be that way. Prayer is a time to be in fellowship with God, and without the Holy Spirt, it is boring. Tonight our pastor gave us a sort of mini lesson on how we should be praying. I don't know about any of you, but I catch myself saying wimpy prayers like this: "God, please please please let my baby be healthy. Please nourish and develop this child as it needs to be. I pray that you will allow me to be a mother to this child." That is not at all how scripture teaches us to pray. We are not beggars before the Lord. We are his children! If we look at the Lord's prayer, that is NOT a wimpy prayer. It says, "Our Father, which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy Name.Thy Kingdom come. Thy will be done on earth, As it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread.And forgive us our trespasses,As we forgive those that trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation, But deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom,The power, and the glory,For ever and ever.Amen." We are to praise his name and declare who He is. He is our Father. Holy is His name. We are to declare His will on earth, in our lives, in our marriages, in our families, in our finances, in our communities, at our jobs, as it is in heaven. We are to ask him for what it is we need-our daily bread. We are to ask for forgiveness so that His forgiveness for us will spill out and we can forgive others. He does not tempt us, but delivers us from the Enemy. He is ruler and has authority and victory for ever and ever. We are to declare His will when we pray. We are to glorify his name. We are not to be beggars before the Lord.
After the sermon tonight, I had an individual who asked to pray with me. God knows just when we need someone to come alongside us and encourage us. Isn't he so good like that? This person just prayed that I would see that I don't have to earn God's provision or His love. I don't have to do anything for that. God has already done that through Jesus. She also prayed that I would just use this time that I have right now alone (since Justin is gone for work so much) to just spend time in worship with God. God was revealing to her that He is moving and working in my life right now and wants to use this opportunity to grow me spiritually. She prayed for our family and our precious baby. She told me that my baby is going to be just fine. I know she is right. God's got this. He loves me and wants to give me good gifts. He knows my heart and knows that this is something I've longed for. I don't have to earn it. I didn't earn it. He just loves me and wants to bless my life. I love my heavenly Father, and I know He is present and with me and that I don't have to worry about anything. He has worked every detail of my life into something good.
Yesterday was a very emotional day for me. There was no apparent reason for my fears and doubts; they were just there and taunting me all day. I hate days like that. It can make you feel so helpless and weak.
This morning I got up and went to church. Can I just say how much I love my church? I attend Harvest Christian Fellowship, and I love it for so many reasons. One of those reasons is that I feel and hear God there. Another reason I love this church is for the people within it. There are some amazing individuals who are connected and in tune with God's will and purpose for our lives and our community, and they are so loving and so supporting and have God's heart. I just love it. This entry was not supposed to be about how much I love my church, but I just had to express how much I am blessed by it.
This morning, one individual said that she just felt like she needed to say that the Enemy gets us to believe some really stupid lies. He tells us that God is not enough or that God cannot help us in our situation. I fall into the Enemy's trap so many times when it comes to my baby and our health. He likes to place really evil thoughts and lies into my head so that I can't enjoy such an incredible gift that God has given to me. God is my provider. He is my father. He loves me, and there is nothing He can't do. In Matthew 7:11 it says, "If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how MUCH MORE will your father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him." I just love this view of our heavenly Father. He is not some hard, judgmental ruler who is just waiting for you to mess up so he can strike you down. We are his children, and he wants to give us good things even more than what our earthly father wants to give. That is just amazing to me because I have a pretty awesome earthly father who has gone above and beyond to give his children all we've ever wanted or needed. God is that much more!
Tonight I returned to church for our monthly CORE service. I was blessed again by the message. The message was about prayer. Often we view prayer as a sort of chore that is really boring. Sometimes we even feel guilty if we forget to pray. Prayer was never meant to be that way. Prayer is a time to be in fellowship with God, and without the Holy Spirt, it is boring. Tonight our pastor gave us a sort of mini lesson on how we should be praying. I don't know about any of you, but I catch myself saying wimpy prayers like this: "God, please please please let my baby be healthy. Please nourish and develop this child as it needs to be. I pray that you will allow me to be a mother to this child." That is not at all how scripture teaches us to pray. We are not beggars before the Lord. We are his children! If we look at the Lord's prayer, that is NOT a wimpy prayer. It says, "Our Father, which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy Name.Thy Kingdom come. Thy will be done on earth, As it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread.And forgive us our trespasses,As we forgive those that trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation, But deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom,The power, and the glory,For ever and ever.Amen." We are to praise his name and declare who He is. He is our Father. Holy is His name. We are to declare His will on earth, in our lives, in our marriages, in our families, in our finances, in our communities, at our jobs, as it is in heaven. We are to ask him for what it is we need-our daily bread. We are to ask for forgiveness so that His forgiveness for us will spill out and we can forgive others. He does not tempt us, but delivers us from the Enemy. He is ruler and has authority and victory for ever and ever. We are to declare His will when we pray. We are to glorify his name. We are not to be beggars before the Lord.
After the sermon tonight, I had an individual who asked to pray with me. God knows just when we need someone to come alongside us and encourage us. Isn't he so good like that? This person just prayed that I would see that I don't have to earn God's provision or His love. I don't have to do anything for that. God has already done that through Jesus. She also prayed that I would just use this time that I have right now alone (since Justin is gone for work so much) to just spend time in worship with God. God was revealing to her that He is moving and working in my life right now and wants to use this opportunity to grow me spiritually. She prayed for our family and our precious baby. She told me that my baby is going to be just fine. I know she is right. God's got this. He loves me and wants to give me good gifts. He knows my heart and knows that this is something I've longed for. I don't have to earn it. I didn't earn it. He just loves me and wants to bless my life. I love my heavenly Father, and I know He is present and with me and that I don't have to worry about anything. He has worked every detail of my life into something good.
Saturday, August 11, 2012
When Will the Trepidation End?
August 11, 2012
It has only been two days since my last ultrasound (which went just fine by the way), and I still have an overwhelming sense of trepidation and fear for the health of our baby. Will this feeling ever pass? Just two days ago I received confirmation that our baby still has a very strong, healthy heartbeat. Even though the little one was measuring just a few days behind (8 weeks 4 days when I was 9 weeks 0 days), the doctor seemed to feel that the pregnancy was perfectly normal. In fact, he released me to a regular OB. That is a huge step for anyone who has undergone IVF to achieve a pregnancy, so why do I still have an overwhelming feeling that I can't celebrate just yet?
My mom and I went shopping for maternity clothes after my ultrasound, and I can wear them due to the expansion of my waste line during the IVF process. I think part of my "bump" is due to fertility drugs, partly due to enlarged ovaries from the egg retrieval process, and maybe slightly due to an expanding uterus from the pregnancy. It's hard to tell. Anyway, when I wear the clothes, I actually feel and look like I'm pregnant. I am happy about this. However, I began to have really crappy thoughts about something that is usually fun for a first-time mom. Instead of being able to enjoy looking and feeling pregnant in my new maternity clothes, I am plagued with thought like this: "Should I really rip the tags off this shirt/pair of pants and wear them right now? What if in a few weeks I found out that something has gone wrong? Then I won't be able to return the clothes and I will have wasted a lot of money." When I made my pregnancy announcement on facebook, I immediately thought, "What if I have to make another announcement letting everyone know that we've miscarried?" I hate that infertility has robbed me of many of the joys of pregnancy. I feel unable to get truly excited about finally being pregnant because I live in fear that at any minute it will all be ripped away from me. I didn't get excited about my first home pregnancy test, I didn't get excited about my first blood pregnancy test, I had extreme anxiety and fear at my first ultrasound, I had fear following my second ultrasound, I almost dreaded my third ultrasound because I didn't feel pregnant anymore, and now I'm still scared after a third ultrasound that revealed no problems. When do these feelings stop?
I keep telling myself that "at my next appointment, I will let myself be excited". Those appointments have come and gone, and I still have worries and doubts. God has proven over and over again that this pregnancy is just fine. I try my best to rely on His promises to me, but I often allow my thoughts and fears to get me down. I'm hoping that as the pregnancy progresses, my confidence will also. I pray that there is a point in my pregnancy that I can finally breathe a sigh of relief and just enjoy it.
Today has just been one of those days that my thoughts and fears ran wild. I partly blame myself for not shutting them out when they start, and then I partly blame the pregnancy hormones. I am overwhelmed with emotion a good majority of the time. Today has been really hard for no reason at all. I've had about 3 crying spells over nothing. I cry as a type this entry. I am so beyond ready to get to that "magical" point in my pregnancy where my fear subsides. Will it be at the 12 week mark? Will it be at 20 weeks? Will it be at birth? Right now I don't know. I pray that it is sooner rather than later because I would hate to think that I didn't fully embrace every aspect of this pregnancy. It is something I've longed for for several years now. I will be saying lots of prayers to help me get through the remainder of this pregnancy, and I hope that I will begin to be able to let go of the fear and replace it with joy.
It has only been two days since my last ultrasound (which went just fine by the way), and I still have an overwhelming sense of trepidation and fear for the health of our baby. Will this feeling ever pass? Just two days ago I received confirmation that our baby still has a very strong, healthy heartbeat. Even though the little one was measuring just a few days behind (8 weeks 4 days when I was 9 weeks 0 days), the doctor seemed to feel that the pregnancy was perfectly normal. In fact, he released me to a regular OB. That is a huge step for anyone who has undergone IVF to achieve a pregnancy, so why do I still have an overwhelming feeling that I can't celebrate just yet?
My mom and I went shopping for maternity clothes after my ultrasound, and I can wear them due to the expansion of my waste line during the IVF process. I think part of my "bump" is due to fertility drugs, partly due to enlarged ovaries from the egg retrieval process, and maybe slightly due to an expanding uterus from the pregnancy. It's hard to tell. Anyway, when I wear the clothes, I actually feel and look like I'm pregnant. I am happy about this. However, I began to have really crappy thoughts about something that is usually fun for a first-time mom. Instead of being able to enjoy looking and feeling pregnant in my new maternity clothes, I am plagued with thought like this: "Should I really rip the tags off this shirt/pair of pants and wear them right now? What if in a few weeks I found out that something has gone wrong? Then I won't be able to return the clothes and I will have wasted a lot of money." When I made my pregnancy announcement on facebook, I immediately thought, "What if I have to make another announcement letting everyone know that we've miscarried?" I hate that infertility has robbed me of many of the joys of pregnancy. I feel unable to get truly excited about finally being pregnant because I live in fear that at any minute it will all be ripped away from me. I didn't get excited about my first home pregnancy test, I didn't get excited about my first blood pregnancy test, I had extreme anxiety and fear at my first ultrasound, I had fear following my second ultrasound, I almost dreaded my third ultrasound because I didn't feel pregnant anymore, and now I'm still scared after a third ultrasound that revealed no problems. When do these feelings stop?
I keep telling myself that "at my next appointment, I will let myself be excited". Those appointments have come and gone, and I still have worries and doubts. God has proven over and over again that this pregnancy is just fine. I try my best to rely on His promises to me, but I often allow my thoughts and fears to get me down. I'm hoping that as the pregnancy progresses, my confidence will also. I pray that there is a point in my pregnancy that I can finally breathe a sigh of relief and just enjoy it.
Today has just been one of those days that my thoughts and fears ran wild. I partly blame myself for not shutting them out when they start, and then I partly blame the pregnancy hormones. I am overwhelmed with emotion a good majority of the time. Today has been really hard for no reason at all. I've had about 3 crying spells over nothing. I cry as a type this entry. I am so beyond ready to get to that "magical" point in my pregnancy where my fear subsides. Will it be at the 12 week mark? Will it be at 20 weeks? Will it be at birth? Right now I don't know. I pray that it is sooner rather than later because I would hate to think that I didn't fully embrace every aspect of this pregnancy. It is something I've longed for for several years now. I will be saying lots of prayers to help me get through the remainder of this pregnancy, and I hope that I will begin to be able to let go of the fear and replace it with joy.
RE Graduation/Maternity Clothes Shopping
August 9, 2012
Today is my second scheduled ultrasound at my RE's office (but technically my third since I had that scare a few days ago). If all is well, we should be released to my regular OB. Justin was unable to make it to this ultrasound due to work, so mom and I have planned to go to the doctor today (Thursday) and stay in Frisco tonight so we can do some maternity clothes shopping today and tomorrow before I start back to work in a few weeks.
We left Seymour around 8:30 this morning and arrived in Bedford around 11:15. They got us back to the ultrasound room quickly and began the scan. Immediately Dr. Kevin Doody let me know that the baby was looking good. He took several measurements and I noticed that the baby is still measuring behind by a few days (measuring 8w4d and I am 9w0d). I asked him if this was a problem, and he assured me that a few days off is not a big deal. I pray he is correct. Next he showed us the heart beating away and measured the rate. It has now increased to 173 bpm. He said this is a great heart rate and that it will steadily decrease from now until birth. I was disappointed in the ultrasound pictures today, as they were not nearly as clear as the pictures from my first ultrasound. I remembered after we left the appointment that this was the same machine that Dr. Kathleen Doody had tried to use one time to measure my endometrial lining and she couldn't get accurate measurements and moved me into a room with a better machine. I wish they would have used the better machine today. Oh well.
Another thing that Dr. Kevin mentioned at the appointment was that my chances of miscarriage have now declined to 2-5%. I have a very great chance of having a take-home baby now. They also drew some labs to measure my progesterone and decided it was definitely high enough for me to discontinue the progesterone suppositories (thank goodness!!!). At this point in the pregnancy, the placenta takes over to produce adequate amounts of progesterone. After all the testing was complete, they officially released me to a regular OB. They printed out all of my medical records to take to my new doctor. I'm so excited to have made it this far, and I praise God for getting me here. I am still a little apprehensive about transitioning to a doctor who is not going to give me as much "attention" as I am accustomed to getting with my RE, but it's exciting that my doctor feels that baby and I are doing well enough to take this step.
After the appointment, Mom and I drove to Frisco and grabbed some lunch at Olive Garden. After lunch, we spotted a store called Buy Buy Baby and decided to just take a quick peek at all the adorable baby stuff. It was so much fun to allow myself to think about the crib, bedding, car seats, strollers, etc...
Mom and I determined that we will probably be in lots of trouble when the time comes to start purchasing all of these items.
Next we made a trip to the Stonebriar Mall to do some shopping for maternity clothes. I can't believe I'm actually doing this. I found a ton of new clothes for school. At Motherhood Maternity, they have these strap-on "bumps" to gauge how well your clothes will fit with a growing tummy. I tried on my clothes with a 7-month bump, and it was so much fun to see how I might look in a few months from now. Most of the clothes I purchased already fit right now because I already have an expanding waste line. I'm sure part of my expansion is due to fertility drugs, my very enlarged ovaries (from the egg retrieval), and maybe just a little from my expanding uterus. Even though I realize not all of my growth is due to the baby, I am still enjoying it. While at Motherhood, mom purchased a pregnancy body pillow for me. I've heard they are a lifesaver later in pregnancy. I have tried it out since the purchase, and I love it.
After all of our shopping Mom and I went to supper, made a few more errands, and then returned to our hotel room and purchased a movie to watch on Pay Per View. It was nice to just relax. The next morning, we made it down to the lobby for breakfast and checked out. We went back to Stonebriar for a little more shopping and then began our trip back home.
All in all we had a great mother/daughter trip. I'm allowing myself to get a little more excited about the pregnancy, and I am looking forward to the next several months!
Today is my second scheduled ultrasound at my RE's office (but technically my third since I had that scare a few days ago). If all is well, we should be released to my regular OB. Justin was unable to make it to this ultrasound due to work, so mom and I have planned to go to the doctor today (Thursday) and stay in Frisco tonight so we can do some maternity clothes shopping today and tomorrow before I start back to work in a few weeks.
We left Seymour around 8:30 this morning and arrived in Bedford around 11:15. They got us back to the ultrasound room quickly and began the scan. Immediately Dr. Kevin Doody let me know that the baby was looking good. He took several measurements and I noticed that the baby is still measuring behind by a few days (measuring 8w4d and I am 9w0d). I asked him if this was a problem, and he assured me that a few days off is not a big deal. I pray he is correct. Next he showed us the heart beating away and measured the rate. It has now increased to 173 bpm. He said this is a great heart rate and that it will steadily decrease from now until birth. I was disappointed in the ultrasound pictures today, as they were not nearly as clear as the pictures from my first ultrasound. I remembered after we left the appointment that this was the same machine that Dr. Kathleen Doody had tried to use one time to measure my endometrial lining and she couldn't get accurate measurements and moved me into a room with a better machine. I wish they would have used the better machine today. Oh well.
Another thing that Dr. Kevin mentioned at the appointment was that my chances of miscarriage have now declined to 2-5%. I have a very great chance of having a take-home baby now. They also drew some labs to measure my progesterone and decided it was definitely high enough for me to discontinue the progesterone suppositories (thank goodness!!!). At this point in the pregnancy, the placenta takes over to produce adequate amounts of progesterone. After all the testing was complete, they officially released me to a regular OB. They printed out all of my medical records to take to my new doctor. I'm so excited to have made it this far, and I praise God for getting me here. I am still a little apprehensive about transitioning to a doctor who is not going to give me as much "attention" as I am accustomed to getting with my RE, but it's exciting that my doctor feels that baby and I are doing well enough to take this step.
After the appointment, Mom and I drove to Frisco and grabbed some lunch at Olive Garden. After lunch, we spotted a store called Buy Buy Baby and decided to just take a quick peek at all the adorable baby stuff. It was so much fun to allow myself to think about the crib, bedding, car seats, strollers, etc...
Mom and I determined that we will probably be in lots of trouble when the time comes to start purchasing all of these items.
Next we made a trip to the Stonebriar Mall to do some shopping for maternity clothes. I can't believe I'm actually doing this. I found a ton of new clothes for school. At Motherhood Maternity, they have these strap-on "bumps" to gauge how well your clothes will fit with a growing tummy. I tried on my clothes with a 7-month bump, and it was so much fun to see how I might look in a few months from now. Most of the clothes I purchased already fit right now because I already have an expanding waste line. I'm sure part of my expansion is due to fertility drugs, my very enlarged ovaries (from the egg retrieval), and maybe just a little from my expanding uterus. Even though I realize not all of my growth is due to the baby, I am still enjoying it. While at Motherhood, mom purchased a pregnancy body pillow for me. I've heard they are a lifesaver later in pregnancy. I have tried it out since the purchase, and I love it.
After all of our shopping Mom and I went to supper, made a few more errands, and then returned to our hotel room and purchased a movie to watch on Pay Per View. It was nice to just relax. The next morning, we made it down to the lobby for breakfast and checked out. We went back to Stonebriar for a little more shopping and then began our trip back home.
All in all we had a great mother/daughter trip. I'm allowing myself to get a little more excited about the pregnancy, and I am looking forward to the next several months!
Little Scare
July 30, 2012
Over the weekend I decided to take a trip up to Morton to visit Justin because he was unable to come home for the weekend. When I got there, I decided I would try to make myself useful by cleaning their camper and doing all of their laundry for them since they really don't have the time due to their work schedule.
This was probably not the best idea. All of the cleaning and laundry really wore me out. I had to drive to Lubbock to take all of their bedding and clothes to a laundromat to do all of the laundry. It took several hours, and it was a pain in the butt. Needless to say, I felt terrible afterward and began to have some scary symptoms. My lower back had begun to hurt and I had a few abdominal cramps to go along with it. The combination of the two sent me into a panic (as does pretty much anything else these days).
After having a hysterical, crying meltdown on the phone with my mom on Sunday afternoon, I decided I would call my doctor on Monday if the symptoms did not go away overnight.
I woke up Monday morning (today) and still felt very uneasy about the pregnancy. I called my RE to see what they suggested. They found a fertility specialist in Lubbock and sent orders to their office for an ultrasound to check on the baby. I arrived at their office around 1:45 and my appointment was scheduled for 2:00. They did not see me until 4:00. I was livid to say the least.
The ultrasound revealed that the baby is still doing good. It had a heartbeat of 151 bpm (up significantly from our last ultrasound). I was praising God once again for allowing this baby to be healthy. However, I am still worried since the baby only measured at 7 weeks 0 days and I am 7 weeks 4 days. I am trying to convince myself that the difference is caused by the difference in ultrasound technology in my doctor's office and this office. The convincing is not going too well. I'm grateful that we still have a heartbeat, but the fact that the baby is measuring a few days behind makes me crazy. In an IVF pregnancy, I can't chalk it up to late ovulation. We KNOW the exact day, hour, and minute that our little one was conceived.
Here is a picture from the ultrasound. Now I must wait until August 9 to see if everything is still going well. Here's to another wait.
Over the weekend I decided to take a trip up to Morton to visit Justin because he was unable to come home for the weekend. When I got there, I decided I would try to make myself useful by cleaning their camper and doing all of their laundry for them since they really don't have the time due to their work schedule.
This was probably not the best idea. All of the cleaning and laundry really wore me out. I had to drive to Lubbock to take all of their bedding and clothes to a laundromat to do all of the laundry. It took several hours, and it was a pain in the butt. Needless to say, I felt terrible afterward and began to have some scary symptoms. My lower back had begun to hurt and I had a few abdominal cramps to go along with it. The combination of the two sent me into a panic (as does pretty much anything else these days).
After having a hysterical, crying meltdown on the phone with my mom on Sunday afternoon, I decided I would call my doctor on Monday if the symptoms did not go away overnight.
I woke up Monday morning (today) and still felt very uneasy about the pregnancy. I called my RE to see what they suggested. They found a fertility specialist in Lubbock and sent orders to their office for an ultrasound to check on the baby. I arrived at their office around 1:45 and my appointment was scheduled for 2:00. They did not see me until 4:00. I was livid to say the least.
The ultrasound revealed that the baby is still doing good. It had a heartbeat of 151 bpm (up significantly from our last ultrasound). I was praising God once again for allowing this baby to be healthy. However, I am still worried since the baby only measured at 7 weeks 0 days and I am 7 weeks 4 days. I am trying to convince myself that the difference is caused by the difference in ultrasound technology in my doctor's office and this office. The convincing is not going too well. I'm grateful that we still have a heartbeat, but the fact that the baby is measuring a few days behind makes me crazy. In an IVF pregnancy, I can't chalk it up to late ovulation. We KNOW the exact day, hour, and minute that our little one was conceived.
Here is a picture from the ultrasound. Now I must wait until August 9 to see if everything is still going well. Here's to another wait.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
First Sonogram
July 24, 2012
Last night I surprisingly got quite a bit of sleep. I prayed before I went to bed for peace and rest. God is good. This morning I got up early and began getting ready for our first sonogram. We left the house around 9 this morning and arrived in Bedford just a few minutes before noon.
Once we got to Bedford, we stopped at Abuelo's to eat lunch. Mexican food has always been my favorite, but today I was unable to eat much of my meal. I began to feel very sick while eating, and I didn't know whether to contribute it to the pregnancy or my nerves.
Even though I have prayed for this day for a long time now, I still had a lot of nerves going on before the appointment. I don't feel like I was distrusting God, I think it was just a natural mixture of emotions that I felt-excitement, nervousness, and maybe just a teeny bit of fear.
After lunch we got back into the horrible traffic and hurried over to our appointment. After I checked in, the wait seemed like it was forever. They finally called us back to one of the sonogram rooms and the doctor came in shortly after that. I prayed while we were waiting and I felt pretty good when she entered the room.
Dr. Kathleen talked with us for a few seconds and then proceeded to perform the sonogram. We were immediately able to see the yolk sac and the teeny tiny baby inside of it. She informed us that this was the "pregnancy". While she was looking around, Justin asked, "Is that the heartbeat?" She replied that he was very good because it was indeed the heartbeat. We could see a tiny little flicker on the screen. It was the most precious little flicker I've seen in my whole life! I immediately thanked God for this little miracle. The doctor zoomed in where we could see the flicker more closely and turned on the sound so we could hear the heartbeat as well. I would have to rank this as one of the happiest moments of my life. Justin was also super excited to learn that we only had ONE little baby growing in there!
After the sonogram was over, they printed out a few pictures of our little one. Dr. Kathleen also told us to come back in about 2 weeks for one more sonogram before they release me to my OB/GYN. They are also going to measure my progesterone that day to see if I'm ready to stop the progesterone suppositories-yay!
I can't wait for the next appointment to see our little one again. I am officially excited about my pregnancy! Here is one of the photos from our baby's first photo shoot:
Last night I surprisingly got quite a bit of sleep. I prayed before I went to bed for peace and rest. God is good. This morning I got up early and began getting ready for our first sonogram. We left the house around 9 this morning and arrived in Bedford just a few minutes before noon.
Once we got to Bedford, we stopped at Abuelo's to eat lunch. Mexican food has always been my favorite, but today I was unable to eat much of my meal. I began to feel very sick while eating, and I didn't know whether to contribute it to the pregnancy or my nerves.
Even though I have prayed for this day for a long time now, I still had a lot of nerves going on before the appointment. I don't feel like I was distrusting God, I think it was just a natural mixture of emotions that I felt-excitement, nervousness, and maybe just a teeny bit of fear.
After lunch we got back into the horrible traffic and hurried over to our appointment. After I checked in, the wait seemed like it was forever. They finally called us back to one of the sonogram rooms and the doctor came in shortly after that. I prayed while we were waiting and I felt pretty good when she entered the room.
Dr. Kathleen talked with us for a few seconds and then proceeded to perform the sonogram. We were immediately able to see the yolk sac and the teeny tiny baby inside of it. She informed us that this was the "pregnancy". While she was looking around, Justin asked, "Is that the heartbeat?" She replied that he was very good because it was indeed the heartbeat. We could see a tiny little flicker on the screen. It was the most precious little flicker I've seen in my whole life! I immediately thanked God for this little miracle. The doctor zoomed in where we could see the flicker more closely and turned on the sound so we could hear the heartbeat as well. I would have to rank this as one of the happiest moments of my life. Justin was also super excited to learn that we only had ONE little baby growing in there!
After the sonogram was over, they printed out a few pictures of our little one. Dr. Kathleen also told us to come back in about 2 weeks for one more sonogram before they release me to my OB/GYN. They are also going to measure my progesterone that day to see if I'm ready to stop the progesterone suppositories-yay!
I can't wait for the next appointment to see our little one again. I am officially excited about my pregnancy! Here is one of the photos from our baby's first photo shoot:
Monday, July 23, 2012
Day Before First Sonogram
July 23, 2012
Today is the day before our very first sonogram. Am I nervous? That would be an understatement. However, despite my nerves, I have decided to believe and trust in God. He has promised that He is with me in this pregnancy, and I choose to believe Him. He has allowed us to get pregnant, He has allowed my betas to rise appropriately, He has given me several "words" to stand on, and I am choosing to trust that tomorrow He will allow us to see our baby's heartbeat. I have prayed for this day for several weeks now, and I know God is going to be there with me every step of the way.
I can't wait to see my baby for the first time. I know it will be such an emotional moment for me. Justin will be going with me to the appointment, and I think he's excited too (of course he won't come out and say that).
We plan to leave Seymour around 8:45 so we can arrive in Bedford no later than noon. We want to eat lunch together before our appointment. Our appointment is at 1:00. I'm praying that I will get some sleep tonight and that I can keep my nerves at bay tomorrow. I want this to be an exciting and memorable day. I don't want to taint it with unnecessary fear and worry. God is in control. He wants to prosper me and not to harm me-to give me a hope and a future. He knows my pregnant condition and keeps me present before God. That's why I can be so sure that every detail in my life is worked into something good.
I am going to praise His name ahead of time in thanks for our baby's health. He loves me and He loves my baby. He is going to bring us nothing but good things.
Today is the day before our very first sonogram. Am I nervous? That would be an understatement. However, despite my nerves, I have decided to believe and trust in God. He has promised that He is with me in this pregnancy, and I choose to believe Him. He has allowed us to get pregnant, He has allowed my betas to rise appropriately, He has given me several "words" to stand on, and I am choosing to trust that tomorrow He will allow us to see our baby's heartbeat. I have prayed for this day for several weeks now, and I know God is going to be there with me every step of the way.
I can't wait to see my baby for the first time. I know it will be such an emotional moment for me. Justin will be going with me to the appointment, and I think he's excited too (of course he won't come out and say that).
We plan to leave Seymour around 8:45 so we can arrive in Bedford no later than noon. We want to eat lunch together before our appointment. Our appointment is at 1:00. I'm praying that I will get some sleep tonight and that I can keep my nerves at bay tomorrow. I want this to be an exciting and memorable day. I don't want to taint it with unnecessary fear and worry. God is in control. He wants to prosper me and not to harm me-to give me a hope and a future. He knows my pregnant condition and keeps me present before God. That's why I can be so sure that every detail in my life is worked into something good.
I am going to praise His name ahead of time in thanks for our baby's health. He loves me and He loves my baby. He is going to bring us nothing but good things.
Friday, July 13, 2012
Another Counseling Session
July 12, 2012
Today I am exactly 5 weeks pregnant. I drove to Wichita Falls to buy groceries and for my second counseling appointment. I decided to do my grocery shopping before my appointment so that I could come home immediately afterward. I went to United and tried to find foods that sounded good to me. I have had a very strange appetite since becoming pregnant, and it's hard for me to find foods that sound good to me. I know this is cliche, but one of the only things that I actually crave is pickles. I ate a whole jar within about 3 days, and I got so desperate after they were gone that I drank some of the juice. It sounds disgusting, and I've never done that before, but it was good! While at United, I forced myself to buy some fruit even though I am not ever hungry for anything sweet. Right now all I want is really salty junk food with little nutritional value.
After my shopping trip, I drove to my second counseling session. I have decided to begin seeing a counselor during this process because I've had extreme mood swings, very persistent anxiety, and just an overwhelming feeling that I can't get rid of. I have days that I am so excited about being pregnant (finally!), but I also have days that I am so scared that something will go wrong. I'm in this weird place that doesn't allow me to celebrate but also doesn't give me a reason to be upset. I expressed to my counselor that I feel cheated out of my pregnancy experience. I feel like most women get to be excited the second they see their positive pregnancy test. They begin telling their families and friends and start looking at all the cute baby "stuff". I don't get to do that. I know way too much about what can go wrong to celebrate just yet. I've had to go through way more testing and observation already in this pregnancy than what most women will ever experience. I have been robbed of that excitement.
My counselor reminded me that although I can't truly express my excitement right now that there WILL be a point in my pregnancy that I can finally feel relaxed and excited. She agrees that that time will probably be somewhere after the 12 week mark after the riskiest period of the pregnancy is over with. She can relate with my experience because she too has gone through the tragedy of miscarriage and infertility problems. She has had 4 pregnancies, but only 1 child. She can relate to the anxiety that I feel right now as I just try to make it through each day-sometimes one hour at a time.
This week my counselor has encouraged me to try to operate some in excitement instead of solely in fear. She asked me to look at magazines with baby clothes, nursery items, etc... She also said I could create a board on Pinterest where I could begin "pinning" ideas for my dream nursery. I am going to try to allow myself to do a few of those things this week. Will I spend hours and hours on it? Probably not. But I am going to allow myself to have just a little room for getting excited about this baby.
Today I am exactly 5 weeks pregnant. I drove to Wichita Falls to buy groceries and for my second counseling appointment. I decided to do my grocery shopping before my appointment so that I could come home immediately afterward. I went to United and tried to find foods that sounded good to me. I have had a very strange appetite since becoming pregnant, and it's hard for me to find foods that sound good to me. I know this is cliche, but one of the only things that I actually crave is pickles. I ate a whole jar within about 3 days, and I got so desperate after they were gone that I drank some of the juice. It sounds disgusting, and I've never done that before, but it was good! While at United, I forced myself to buy some fruit even though I am not ever hungry for anything sweet. Right now all I want is really salty junk food with little nutritional value.
After my shopping trip, I drove to my second counseling session. I have decided to begin seeing a counselor during this process because I've had extreme mood swings, very persistent anxiety, and just an overwhelming feeling that I can't get rid of. I have days that I am so excited about being pregnant (finally!), but I also have days that I am so scared that something will go wrong. I'm in this weird place that doesn't allow me to celebrate but also doesn't give me a reason to be upset. I expressed to my counselor that I feel cheated out of my pregnancy experience. I feel like most women get to be excited the second they see their positive pregnancy test. They begin telling their families and friends and start looking at all the cute baby "stuff". I don't get to do that. I know way too much about what can go wrong to celebrate just yet. I've had to go through way more testing and observation already in this pregnancy than what most women will ever experience. I have been robbed of that excitement.
My counselor reminded me that although I can't truly express my excitement right now that there WILL be a point in my pregnancy that I can finally feel relaxed and excited. She agrees that that time will probably be somewhere after the 12 week mark after the riskiest period of the pregnancy is over with. She can relate with my experience because she too has gone through the tragedy of miscarriage and infertility problems. She has had 4 pregnancies, but only 1 child. She can relate to the anxiety that I feel right now as I just try to make it through each day-sometimes one hour at a time.
This week my counselor has encouraged me to try to operate some in excitement instead of solely in fear. She asked me to look at magazines with baby clothes, nursery items, etc... She also said I could create a board on Pinterest where I could begin "pinning" ideas for my dream nursery. I am going to try to allow myself to do a few of those things this week. Will I spend hours and hours on it? Probably not. But I am going to allow myself to have just a little room for getting excited about this baby.
Monday, July 9, 2012
Cheerleading Camp Day 1
July 9, 2012
Today was the first day of the junior high cheerleading camp. We now do camp here at home and hire a private instructor to teach the cheers and dances-thank goodness! I have no desire to go out of town for several days with 8 pre-teens and teens. I can't believe that I used to be this age, and it doesn't seem like it was that long ago.
Camp begins at 9 A.M. and ends at 4 P.M., so it gives me a lot to do throughout the day. I spend part of the time watching and helping the girls, and then I spend part of my time getting things ready for the beginning of school. It's been good to have a "schedule" to keep my mind off the pregnancy.
Later tonight I will be going to my grandmother's house to watch the Bachelorette. I'm looking forward to spending time with her and Kayla.
There's not much else to report. I'm feeling OK still other than being really tired and having a weird appetite. I'm still in prayer everyday that God is growing and developing our child/children and that our sonogram will go perfectly in about 2 weeks.
Today was the first day of the junior high cheerleading camp. We now do camp here at home and hire a private instructor to teach the cheers and dances-thank goodness! I have no desire to go out of town for several days with 8 pre-teens and teens. I can't believe that I used to be this age, and it doesn't seem like it was that long ago.
Camp begins at 9 A.M. and ends at 4 P.M., so it gives me a lot to do throughout the day. I spend part of the time watching and helping the girls, and then I spend part of my time getting things ready for the beginning of school. It's been good to have a "schedule" to keep my mind off the pregnancy.
Later tonight I will be going to my grandmother's house to watch the Bachelorette. I'm looking forward to spending time with her and Kayla.
There's not much else to report. I'm feeling OK still other than being really tired and having a weird appetite. I'm still in prayer everyday that God is growing and developing our child/children and that our sonogram will go perfectly in about 2 weeks.
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Church
July 8, 2012
This morning I got up and went to church. Instead of our regular preacher doing the sermon today, we had one of the church's former preachers giving the sermon.
Have you ever gone to church after having a really rough week and found that the preacher was preaching right to your situation? That happened today.
The sermon was about freedom and slavery. When we think about freedom, we like to think that we have more freedom when nobody is able to tell us what to do. In America, we feel that we have rights and none of us would consider ourselves slaves. This sermon challenged that view by pointing out that we are all born into slavery. Slavery is NOT an option. We are either slaves to our own desires, sins, and fears OR we are slaves to God. When we become slaves to our own desires, sins, and fears, we actually lose freedom. We come under the spirit of slavery which produces fear and anxiety in our lives. When we choose to proclaim God as our Master, we are choosing real freedom even though we are submitting to His will for our lives.
This point can be further proven by thinking of ourselves as children. In the Bible, many times you will hear the scriptures telling us that we need to become childlike. It tells us we are the children of God. When we are children, our parents make all of our decisions for us. We have no rights, we trust our parents, and we don't have to fear anything because our parents have all the responsibility. When we try to be "adults" and don't allow God to be our Father and our provider, we take on fears and anxiety and burdens that we were never meant to carry.
This message hit home with me today. All week I've chosen to be a slave to my fears and anxieties and burdens about this pregnancy. All of those feelings are a demonic spirit of slavery and I don't have the right to feel those feelings. I must trust in my heavenly Father to provide for me. He wants me to be happy and healthy. I must choose to forfeit my "rights" and become a child so that my Father can guide me and lead me on the path He wants me to go. I have no reason to worry. He has all the responsibility. I just have to wake up and eat the breakfast that He has already prepared for me-just like a child in his parent's home!
This morning I got up and went to church. Instead of our regular preacher doing the sermon today, we had one of the church's former preachers giving the sermon.
Have you ever gone to church after having a really rough week and found that the preacher was preaching right to your situation? That happened today.
The sermon was about freedom and slavery. When we think about freedom, we like to think that we have more freedom when nobody is able to tell us what to do. In America, we feel that we have rights and none of us would consider ourselves slaves. This sermon challenged that view by pointing out that we are all born into slavery. Slavery is NOT an option. We are either slaves to our own desires, sins, and fears OR we are slaves to God. When we become slaves to our own desires, sins, and fears, we actually lose freedom. We come under the spirit of slavery which produces fear and anxiety in our lives. When we choose to proclaim God as our Master, we are choosing real freedom even though we are submitting to His will for our lives.
This point can be further proven by thinking of ourselves as children. In the Bible, many times you will hear the scriptures telling us that we need to become childlike. It tells us we are the children of God. When we are children, our parents make all of our decisions for us. We have no rights, we trust our parents, and we don't have to fear anything because our parents have all the responsibility. When we try to be "adults" and don't allow God to be our Father and our provider, we take on fears and anxiety and burdens that we were never meant to carry.
This message hit home with me today. All week I've chosen to be a slave to my fears and anxieties and burdens about this pregnancy. All of those feelings are a demonic spirit of slavery and I don't have the right to feel those feelings. I must trust in my heavenly Father to provide for me. He wants me to be happy and healthy. I must choose to forfeit my "rights" and become a child so that my Father can guide me and lead me on the path He wants me to go. I have no reason to worry. He has all the responsibility. I just have to wake up and eat the breakfast that He has already prepared for me-just like a child in his parent's home!
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Beta Day #2
July 7, 2012
Today I had my second scheduled beta blood test. My last beta was 2 days ago, and it measured at 43. The nurse had told me that my beta must increase by at least 60% by today. (That isn't quite double because double would be an increase of 100%. Remember that it has to double every 48-72 hours. It's only been 48, so mine only has to be around a 60% increase.)
My dad volunteered to ride with me to Bedford today to have the blood work. I couldn't have the blood work done in Wichita Falls today because LabCorp is not open on Saturdays. Justin is still working in Morton, and I'm pretty sure my mom did not want me going alone-so my dad volunteered. Isn't he great? We had lots of good conversation on the way there and back. I'm glad he went.
We arrived in Bedford about 30 minutes early, and they got me in immediately. It took all of about 5 minutes to do the blood draw and we were done. When we left, it was only about 10:45 AM. Although I hadn't eaten breakfast, I still was not hungry. We decided to start driving back toward home and that we would stop in Decatur for lunch in hopes that my appetite would be there a little later.
We stopped at Chili's in Decatur, and before we even got our food, my doctor's office was calling with the results. My heart was pounding. The nurse sounded chipper on the phone, so I immediately felt a little relief. She then said, "Your beta came back great! It rose to 124, which is more than double!" I was so excited! It was exactly what we had prayed for. Thank you God. She also told me that they would not need to see me again until my first sonogram in 2 weeks. She transferred me to a receptionist to schedule my sonogram. It will be on July 24 at 1:00 PM. So happy!
I immediately called Justin and shared the good news. Next was my mom. Finally I called Kayla to let her know that our prayer for the 120's was heard. I feel a little more at peace now. I know I'm pregnant, and I'm going to enjoy it as much as possible. This is where I've wanted to be for 2 years now. I'm not going to let worry and anxiety and Satan steal this experience away from me. My baby/babies are growing, and God is with me every step of the way. He has shown me His presence over and over and over again throughout this journey. He has given me a promise that I am going to stand firmly upon.
Once dad and I returned home, I took a nap. I was exhausted. It was the best sleep I've had in several days. Tonight Justin will be home from Morton, and I'm excited to see him. This week has turned out way better than how I expected. I'm in a place where I feel more comfortable, and I believe God is going to continue building my faith as time goes on in this pregnancy.
Today I had my second scheduled beta blood test. My last beta was 2 days ago, and it measured at 43. The nurse had told me that my beta must increase by at least 60% by today. (That isn't quite double because double would be an increase of 100%. Remember that it has to double every 48-72 hours. It's only been 48, so mine only has to be around a 60% increase.)
My dad volunteered to ride with me to Bedford today to have the blood work. I couldn't have the blood work done in Wichita Falls today because LabCorp is not open on Saturdays. Justin is still working in Morton, and I'm pretty sure my mom did not want me going alone-so my dad volunteered. Isn't he great? We had lots of good conversation on the way there and back. I'm glad he went.
We arrived in Bedford about 30 minutes early, and they got me in immediately. It took all of about 5 minutes to do the blood draw and we were done. When we left, it was only about 10:45 AM. Although I hadn't eaten breakfast, I still was not hungry. We decided to start driving back toward home and that we would stop in Decatur for lunch in hopes that my appetite would be there a little later.
We stopped at Chili's in Decatur, and before we even got our food, my doctor's office was calling with the results. My heart was pounding. The nurse sounded chipper on the phone, so I immediately felt a little relief. She then said, "Your beta came back great! It rose to 124, which is more than double!" I was so excited! It was exactly what we had prayed for. Thank you God. She also told me that they would not need to see me again until my first sonogram in 2 weeks. She transferred me to a receptionist to schedule my sonogram. It will be on July 24 at 1:00 PM. So happy!
I immediately called Justin and shared the good news. Next was my mom. Finally I called Kayla to let her know that our prayer for the 120's was heard. I feel a little more at peace now. I know I'm pregnant, and I'm going to enjoy it as much as possible. This is where I've wanted to be for 2 years now. I'm not going to let worry and anxiety and Satan steal this experience away from me. My baby/babies are growing, and God is with me every step of the way. He has shown me His presence over and over and over again throughout this journey. He has given me a promise that I am going to stand firmly upon.
Once dad and I returned home, I took a nap. I was exhausted. It was the best sleep I've had in several days. Tonight Justin will be home from Morton, and I'm excited to see him. This week has turned out way better than how I expected. I'm in a place where I feel more comfortable, and I believe God is going to continue building my faith as time goes on in this pregnancy.
Staying Busy
July 6, 2012
Today is the day before my next scheduled beta. Even though I received great news yesterday, I am still concerned that my beta won't rise as it should by tomorrow. I still don't feel pregnant-well, other than fatigue and no appetite. I'm so scared.
I stayed busy by cleaning the house and doing laundry today. That took up the majority of the day. I also asked Kayla to come over for supper (she has had me over several times this week, so I wanted to return the favor).
After supper, we watched The Help on HBO. We also talked about how I was feeling about tomorrow's beta test. I confided that although yesterday's test went really well, I was still nervous since my beta started out so low. She reminded me of God's promises to me and assured me that everything would turn out great. She asked me what I would want the beta to be so that I would feel comfortable. I said I would love for it to triple and be in the 120's. She said we needed to specifically pray for that number.
Before I went to bed, I specifically prayed for the little baby/babies growing inside of me. I prayed that God would nourish them and protect them and grow them. I asked that God would finally bless me with the opportunity to be a mother-to raise the baby/babies. I also prayed that my beta would rise appropriately-specifically into the 120s. I'm sure Kayla prayed also (and my mom and dad and Justin).
I didn't sleep a wink. Okay maybe a wink, but not much more than that. I was a nervous wreck. Tomorrow could not get here fast enough!
Today is the day before my next scheduled beta. Even though I received great news yesterday, I am still concerned that my beta won't rise as it should by tomorrow. I still don't feel pregnant-well, other than fatigue and no appetite. I'm so scared.
I stayed busy by cleaning the house and doing laundry today. That took up the majority of the day. I also asked Kayla to come over for supper (she has had me over several times this week, so I wanted to return the favor).
After supper, we watched The Help on HBO. We also talked about how I was feeling about tomorrow's beta test. I confided that although yesterday's test went really well, I was still nervous since my beta started out so low. She reminded me of God's promises to me and assured me that everything would turn out great. She asked me what I would want the beta to be so that I would feel comfortable. I said I would love for it to triple and be in the 120's. She said we needed to specifically pray for that number.
Before I went to bed, I specifically prayed for the little baby/babies growing inside of me. I prayed that God would nourish them and protect them and grow them. I asked that God would finally bless me with the opportunity to be a mother-to raise the baby/babies. I also prayed that my beta would rise appropriately-specifically into the 120s. I'm sure Kayla prayed also (and my mom and dad and Justin).
I didn't sleep a wink. Okay maybe a wink, but not much more than that. I was a nervous wreck. Tomorrow could not get here fast enough!
Beta Day
July 5, 2012
So today is the day of my first scheduled beta (hCG) pregnancy test. Two days ago I freaked out and got an early beta test in Seymour. It only measured 23 at 7dp5dt. I really felt like this was going to be a chemical pregnancy.
Kayla and I left Seymour early this morning to drive to Wichita Falls to LabCorp. My doctor's office is allowing me to have my beta blood work ran here so I don't have to drive all the way to Bedford. We arrived at LabCorp at 8:30 AM. Within 10 minutes, they had drawn my blood and we were leaving.
After we left LabCorp, I decided to stop by Sonic to grab a quick breakfast. Then Kayla and I went to Target to do some shopping. After Target, we drove to the mall to see if I could find a dress for Jonathon's wedding. I finally found one! After the shopping was complete, we decided we wanted to go see a movie. We chose to see Madea's Witness Protection because I really needed a good laugh after all this stress.
During the previews, my phone started ringing. It was my doctor's office. I ran out of the theater so I could answer the phone. The nurse on the other end said, "We've got your beta results back, and you're pregnant!" I sat there. Not a word. Then I finally had the courage to ask, "What was the number?" She responded, "Your beta measured 43. We will want to do a repeat beta in 2 days, and we will want your beta to rise at least 60%. Continue taking your progesterone and estrogen, and we will see you then! Congratulations!" I. Was. Stunned! My beta rose! It wasn't falling! It had almost doubled in 48 hours! (For those of you who are not familiar with betas, your beta during early pregnancy should double every 48-72 hours. If it doesn't double in this time frame, it usually indicates a problem with the pregnancy.)
For my beta to rise is definitely a God thing. I have been detecting this pregnancy for almost a week on a home pregnancy test that is supposed to BEGIN measuring at 25 units of hCG. That means your hCG has to be AT LEAST 25 units to register. 2 days ago mine was only 23. How did it rise? Prayers and God. That is the only logical explanation.
I walked back into the theater and told Kayla the astounding news. We were both ecstatic. I texted my mom the news and told her I would call her after the movie. After the movie was over, I called Justin to share the news with him. He thought I was a lunatic for stressing so much a few days before this. Maybe I am, but this is stressful!!!
Now comes another wait.
So today is the day of my first scheduled beta (hCG) pregnancy test. Two days ago I freaked out and got an early beta test in Seymour. It only measured 23 at 7dp5dt. I really felt like this was going to be a chemical pregnancy.
Kayla and I left Seymour early this morning to drive to Wichita Falls to LabCorp. My doctor's office is allowing me to have my beta blood work ran here so I don't have to drive all the way to Bedford. We arrived at LabCorp at 8:30 AM. Within 10 minutes, they had drawn my blood and we were leaving.
After we left LabCorp, I decided to stop by Sonic to grab a quick breakfast. Then Kayla and I went to Target to do some shopping. After Target, we drove to the mall to see if I could find a dress for Jonathon's wedding. I finally found one! After the shopping was complete, we decided we wanted to go see a movie. We chose to see Madea's Witness Protection because I really needed a good laugh after all this stress.
During the previews, my phone started ringing. It was my doctor's office. I ran out of the theater so I could answer the phone. The nurse on the other end said, "We've got your beta results back, and you're pregnant!" I sat there. Not a word. Then I finally had the courage to ask, "What was the number?" She responded, "Your beta measured 43. We will want to do a repeat beta in 2 days, and we will want your beta to rise at least 60%. Continue taking your progesterone and estrogen, and we will see you then! Congratulations!" I. Was. Stunned! My beta rose! It wasn't falling! It had almost doubled in 48 hours! (For those of you who are not familiar with betas, your beta during early pregnancy should double every 48-72 hours. If it doesn't double in this time frame, it usually indicates a problem with the pregnancy.)
For my beta to rise is definitely a God thing. I have been detecting this pregnancy for almost a week on a home pregnancy test that is supposed to BEGIN measuring at 25 units of hCG. That means your hCG has to be AT LEAST 25 units to register. 2 days ago mine was only 23. How did it rise? Prayers and God. That is the only logical explanation.
I walked back into the theater and told Kayla the astounding news. We were both ecstatic. I texted my mom the news and told her I would call her after the movie. After the movie was over, I called Justin to share the news with him. He thought I was a lunatic for stressing so much a few days before this. Maybe I am, but this is stressful!!!
Now comes another wait.
Retail Therapy
July 4, 2012
Today my mother and I decided to take a shopping trip to Frisco to find dresses for my brother's upcoming wedding. I figured it would be a good idea to go so I could get my mind off the news from yesterday.
When we arrived at the mall, we immediately began hunting for dresses for the both of us. We went from one store to another to another. We weren't having very good luck. I found one dress that I loved, but it wasn't in my size. I found a few more dresses along the way, but they were way out of my price range and I'm just not spending that much money on a dress that I can only wear once (most of them were one-shoulder dresses that aren't appropriate for work).
After several hours of unsuccessful shopping, we decided to take a lunch break. We ate at The Cheesecake Factory. The food was delicious, but I just couldn't eat much. I decided it was my nerves. I have had almost no appetite lately.
We resumed our shopping after taking the lunch break. We revisited some stores that we had briefly walked through earlier in the morning. Mom finally found a really cute dress for her. I still had no luck. Maybe it was my mood? I was exhausted and ready to go home by the end of the day.
Tomorrow I have a big day ahead of me. It's the day that I had been looking forward to during this entire process-the day of my first pregnancy test. Now it's a day that I'm dreading. I don't want bad news. I don't want to have to start all over.
Today my mother and I decided to take a shopping trip to Frisco to find dresses for my brother's upcoming wedding. I figured it would be a good idea to go so I could get my mind off the news from yesterday.
When we arrived at the mall, we immediately began hunting for dresses for the both of us. We went from one store to another to another. We weren't having very good luck. I found one dress that I loved, but it wasn't in my size. I found a few more dresses along the way, but they were way out of my price range and I'm just not spending that much money on a dress that I can only wear once (most of them were one-shoulder dresses that aren't appropriate for work).
After several hours of unsuccessful shopping, we decided to take a lunch break. We ate at The Cheesecake Factory. The food was delicious, but I just couldn't eat much. I decided it was my nerves. I have had almost no appetite lately.
We resumed our shopping after taking the lunch break. We revisited some stores that we had briefly walked through earlier in the morning. Mom finally found a really cute dress for her. I still had no luck. Maybe it was my mood? I was exhausted and ready to go home by the end of the day.
Tomorrow I have a big day ahead of me. It's the day that I had been looking forward to during this entire process-the day of my first pregnancy test. Now it's a day that I'm dreading. I don't want bad news. I don't want to have to start all over.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)