Another Counseling Session

July 12, 2012

Today I am exactly 5 weeks pregnant. I drove to Wichita Falls to buy groceries and for my second counseling appointment. I decided to do my grocery shopping before my appointment so that I could come home immediately afterward. I went to United and tried to find foods that sounded good to me. I have had a very strange appetite since becoming pregnant, and it's hard for me to find foods that sound good to me. I know this is cliche, but one of the only things that I actually crave is pickles. I ate a whole jar within about 3 days, and I got so desperate after they were gone that I drank some of the juice. It sounds disgusting, and I've never done that before, but it was good! While at United, I forced myself to buy some fruit even though I am not ever hungry for anything sweet. Right now all I want is really salty junk food with little nutritional value.

After my shopping trip, I drove to my second counseling session. I have decided to begin seeing a counselor during this process because I've had extreme mood swings, very persistent anxiety, and just an overwhelming feeling that I can't get rid of. I have days that I am so excited about being pregnant (finally!), but I also have days that I am so scared that something will go wrong. I'm in this weird place that doesn't allow me to celebrate but also doesn't give me a reason to be upset. I expressed to my counselor that I feel cheated out of my pregnancy experience. I feel like most women get to be excited the second they see their positive pregnancy test. They begin telling their families and friends and start looking at all the cute baby "stuff". I don't get to do that. I know way too much about what can go wrong to celebrate just yet. I've had to go through way more testing and observation already in this pregnancy than what most women will ever experience. I have been robbed of that excitement.

My counselor reminded me that although I can't truly express my excitement right now that there WILL be a point in my pregnancy that I can finally feel relaxed and excited. She agrees that that time will probably be somewhere after the 12 week mark after the riskiest period of the pregnancy is over with. She can relate with my experience because she too has gone through the tragedy of miscarriage and infertility problems. She has had 4 pregnancies, but only 1 child. She can relate to the anxiety that I feel right now as I just try to make it through each day-sometimes one hour at a time.

This week my counselor has encouraged me to try to operate some in excitement instead of solely in fear. She asked me to look at magazines with baby clothes, nursery items, etc... She also said I could create a board on Pinterest where I could begin "pinning" ideas for my dream nursery. I am going to try to allow myself to do a few of those things this week. Will I spend hours and hours on it? Probably not. But I am going to allow myself to have just a little room for getting excited about this baby.