I Want Off the Roller Coaster

July 1, 2012

I want off this miserable roller coaster ride. It is truly making me sick. I am currently in the dreaded 2WW (2 week wait) that only women who go through infertility can understand. It's that period of time after your embryo transfer where you can do nothing but wait and see if you are pregnant. You are hoping you are pregnant (some women claim they are PUPO-Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise), but I'm not the type of person to take on that type of thinking. To believe that I am pregnant means that I could potentially face a HUGE disappointment. I'm not willing to go there.

I'm a realist. Even though my doctor told us we had greater than a 70% chance of success this cycle, I realize I might be that other 30%. I would much rather prepare myself for the disappointment than to be blindsided by it. In fact, yesterday my mother and I made a trip to Wichita Falls to do a little shopping. I decided I would purchase some pregnancy tests so I can start taking them every morning leading up to my blood test. I would rather know that my blood test is going to be negative beforehand, rather than the doctor's office call me with that information. I took one yesterday, and I swore I saw the FAINTEST second line if I turned the stick just right. I probably just wanted it to be there so badly that I imagined it.

Later yesterday evening I began having what feels like menstrual cramps. Achy back, crampy abdomen, all the tell tale signs of your impending period. Great. I've read online that some women swore their periods were coming but turned out to be pregnant. Pregnancy symptoms sometimes mock menstrual symptoms. Hope they are right, but I am not getting my hopes up. Justin came home last night from Morton, and the second he walked in the door he asked, "How are you and baby doing?". I broke down and just cried and told him I felt like my period was coming.

This morning I woke up and POAS (peed on a stick). It had one line, and the rest of the test was stark white. Not even a faint line. Yep, I probably imagined the line yesterday. I know it's still pretty early to be testing, but the First Response Early Results box says that almost 100% of women who were pregnant got their results 4 days prior to their missed period. Yesterday was 5 days before I was supposed to test, and today was 4 days. I'm pretty sure I'm not pregnant. I called my mom and cried.

To try to explain how frustrating and devastating this process can be is just impossible. It's the worst hurt I've ever experienced in my lifetime. I have prayed over these babies for months, and I feel completely abandoned by God. I know that is not reality. God does not abandon us. But that's how I FEEL, and I can't help how I feel. I want Him to tell me WHY he is not allowing this to be easier for us. I have been looking forward to a positive pregnancy test for MONTHS now. We have spent more than I make in a YEAR on these treatments. We have 5 more IVF cycles after this one to get pregnant, but I DON'T WANT TO DO IT ANYMORE! I want off the roller coaster. I want to be done. How do you pick yourself back up and do this again?!

I am trying to stay positive, but I don't know that I have a whole lot of hope in order to do that at this point. Once I get negative news, it just shatters my whole world. This has been my whole life for the past few months. It's the only thing I've focused on. I've spent a whole month of my life giving injections into my abdomen for this? I just don't understand. Maybe God will pull through and I will get that positive test, but it would truly be a miracle.

I'm ready for the next few days to be over with. I want to know one way or the other so I can have some peace. If we have to do another cycle, we will be running into all kinds of new obstacles that make me sick to think about. I will be working again-at a new job. I will have the stress of going through all this treatment again compounded by the stress of my new teaching job. I have a new boss that may or may not be very understanding about the time I will have to spend away from work. I desperately hope that I will not have to face those struggles and that this will be it for us. I must continue praying and trusting that God knows what He's doing even if it makes no sense to me.