Crash and Burn

July 3, 2012

Today I scheduled the first cheerleading practice of the summer. I finally have some time to devote to this commitment since I am no longer having to drive to Bedford so often. I am the sponsor for the Junior High cheerleaders, and I have neglected this responsibility the whole month of June so I could focus on my treatments.

Before I left for practice, I decided to take another pregnancy test to see if it had gotten any darker since the last time I took one. I wanted the line to get darker and darker so that I could feel like my hCG level was rising appropriately. BIG MISTAKE. The line had actually gotten fainter than my last test. I freaked. I called the clinic here in Seymour to request a quantitative hCG blood test. I am only 7dp5dt (7 days post 5 day transfer) and I'm not scheduled for my first hCG blood draw until 9dp5dt (2 days from now). I wanted to check it early to see how low or high it was since that evil stick is indicating that I'm already losing hCG.

I arrived at the clinic about 15 minutes before my scheduled practice to get the lab orders. I quickly walked over to the hospital to have the blood draw. Then came the wait.

I arrived at practice right on time. My mind was not there though. All I could think about was that I am already miscarrying. I felt sick. During practice, the clinic called with my beta (hCG) results. It was only 23. I freaked again. Most pregnancy tests only begin to detect hCG when it rises above 25. That would have to mean that at one time my hCG got above 25 (since the at home pregnancy test detected it), and now it must be plummeting! I called an end to practice after about 2 hours and quickly got the girls to leave before I had a complete meltdown.

I called Justin and told him it was happening again. We were losing the baby. He was understandably upset and hated that I was going through this again. I drove to my mom's shop and shared the news with her while I cried. I told her I just did not understand. I called the doctor's office in Bedford to share the news with them and to ask when I could begin a new IVF cycle. I was so concerned about fitting in another cycle before school starts so that I won't be taking off work for it. The nurse told me that a beta of 23 wasn't "that bad" for 7dp5dt and that I would need to still have the scheduled beta on 9dp5dt to see if it rises or falls.

I decided that I am not even going to let my mind feel like there is any hope. A lot of people online start out with betas above 100 and even 200. At 2 days before my scheduled beta, mine is only 23. I'm devastated, but I'm ready to get the next beta over with so I can know what is next.

So, we wait.