July 6, 2012
Today is the day before my next scheduled beta. Even though I received great news yesterday, I am still concerned that my beta won't rise as it should by tomorrow. I still don't feel pregnant-well, other than fatigue and no appetite. I'm so scared.
I stayed busy by cleaning the house and doing laundry today. That took up the majority of the day. I also asked Kayla to come over for supper (she has had me over several times this week, so I wanted to return the favor).
After supper, we watched The Help on HBO. We also talked about how I was feeling about tomorrow's beta test. I confided that although yesterday's test went really well, I was still nervous since my beta started out so low. She reminded me of God's promises to me and assured me that everything would turn out great. She asked me what I would want the beta to be so that I would feel comfortable. I said I would love for it to triple and be in the 120's. She said we needed to specifically pray for that number.
Before I went to bed, I specifically prayed for the little baby/babies growing inside of me. I prayed that God would nourish them and protect them and grow them. I asked that God would finally bless me with the opportunity to be a mother-to raise the baby/babies. I also prayed that my beta would rise appropriately-specifically into the 120s. I'm sure Kayla prayed also (and my mom and dad and Justin).
I didn't sleep a wink. Okay maybe a wink, but not much more than that. I was a nervous wreck. Tomorrow could not get here fast enough!
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Beta Day
July 5, 2012
So today is the day of my first scheduled beta (hCG) pregnancy test. Two days ago I freaked out and got an early beta test in Seymour. It only measured 23 at 7dp5dt. I really felt like this was going to be a chemical pregnancy.
Kayla and I left Seymour early this morning to drive to Wichita Falls to LabCorp. My doctor's office is allowing me to have my beta blood work ran here so I don't have to drive all the way to Bedford. We arrived at LabCorp at 8:30 AM. Within 10 minutes, they had drawn my blood and we were leaving.
After we left LabCorp, I decided to stop by Sonic to grab a quick breakfast. Then Kayla and I went to Target to do some shopping. After Target, we drove to the mall to see if I could find a dress for Jonathon's wedding. I finally found one! After the shopping was complete, we decided we wanted to go see a movie. We chose to see Madea's Witness Protection because I really needed a good laugh after all this stress.
During the previews, my phone started ringing. It was my doctor's office. I ran out of the theater so I could answer the phone. The nurse on the other end said, "We've got your beta results back, and you're pregnant!" I sat there. Not a word. Then I finally had the courage to ask, "What was the number?" She responded, "Your beta measured 43. We will want to do a repeat beta in 2 days, and we will want your beta to rise at least 60%. Continue taking your progesterone and estrogen, and we will see you then! Congratulations!" I. Was. Stunned! My beta rose! It wasn't falling! It had almost doubled in 48 hours! (For those of you who are not familiar with betas, your beta during early pregnancy should double every 48-72 hours. If it doesn't double in this time frame, it usually indicates a problem with the pregnancy.)
For my beta to rise is definitely a God thing. I have been detecting this pregnancy for almost a week on a home pregnancy test that is supposed to BEGIN measuring at 25 units of hCG. That means your hCG has to be AT LEAST 25 units to register. 2 days ago mine was only 23. How did it rise? Prayers and God. That is the only logical explanation.
I walked back into the theater and told Kayla the astounding news. We were both ecstatic. I texted my mom the news and told her I would call her after the movie. After the movie was over, I called Justin to share the news with him. He thought I was a lunatic for stressing so much a few days before this. Maybe I am, but this is stressful!!!
Now comes another wait.
So today is the day of my first scheduled beta (hCG) pregnancy test. Two days ago I freaked out and got an early beta test in Seymour. It only measured 23 at 7dp5dt. I really felt like this was going to be a chemical pregnancy.
Kayla and I left Seymour early this morning to drive to Wichita Falls to LabCorp. My doctor's office is allowing me to have my beta blood work ran here so I don't have to drive all the way to Bedford. We arrived at LabCorp at 8:30 AM. Within 10 minutes, they had drawn my blood and we were leaving.
After we left LabCorp, I decided to stop by Sonic to grab a quick breakfast. Then Kayla and I went to Target to do some shopping. After Target, we drove to the mall to see if I could find a dress for Jonathon's wedding. I finally found one! After the shopping was complete, we decided we wanted to go see a movie. We chose to see Madea's Witness Protection because I really needed a good laugh after all this stress.
During the previews, my phone started ringing. It was my doctor's office. I ran out of the theater so I could answer the phone. The nurse on the other end said, "We've got your beta results back, and you're pregnant!" I sat there. Not a word. Then I finally had the courage to ask, "What was the number?" She responded, "Your beta measured 43. We will want to do a repeat beta in 2 days, and we will want your beta to rise at least 60%. Continue taking your progesterone and estrogen, and we will see you then! Congratulations!" I. Was. Stunned! My beta rose! It wasn't falling! It had almost doubled in 48 hours! (For those of you who are not familiar with betas, your beta during early pregnancy should double every 48-72 hours. If it doesn't double in this time frame, it usually indicates a problem with the pregnancy.)
For my beta to rise is definitely a God thing. I have been detecting this pregnancy for almost a week on a home pregnancy test that is supposed to BEGIN measuring at 25 units of hCG. That means your hCG has to be AT LEAST 25 units to register. 2 days ago mine was only 23. How did it rise? Prayers and God. That is the only logical explanation.
I walked back into the theater and told Kayla the astounding news. We were both ecstatic. I texted my mom the news and told her I would call her after the movie. After the movie was over, I called Justin to share the news with him. He thought I was a lunatic for stressing so much a few days before this. Maybe I am, but this is stressful!!!
Now comes another wait.
Retail Therapy
July 4, 2012
Today my mother and I decided to take a shopping trip to Frisco to find dresses for my brother's upcoming wedding. I figured it would be a good idea to go so I could get my mind off the news from yesterday.
When we arrived at the mall, we immediately began hunting for dresses for the both of us. We went from one store to another to another. We weren't having very good luck. I found one dress that I loved, but it wasn't in my size. I found a few more dresses along the way, but they were way out of my price range and I'm just not spending that much money on a dress that I can only wear once (most of them were one-shoulder dresses that aren't appropriate for work).
After several hours of unsuccessful shopping, we decided to take a lunch break. We ate at The Cheesecake Factory. The food was delicious, but I just couldn't eat much. I decided it was my nerves. I have had almost no appetite lately.
We resumed our shopping after taking the lunch break. We revisited some stores that we had briefly walked through earlier in the morning. Mom finally found a really cute dress for her. I still had no luck. Maybe it was my mood? I was exhausted and ready to go home by the end of the day.
Tomorrow I have a big day ahead of me. It's the day that I had been looking forward to during this entire process-the day of my first pregnancy test. Now it's a day that I'm dreading. I don't want bad news. I don't want to have to start all over.
Today my mother and I decided to take a shopping trip to Frisco to find dresses for my brother's upcoming wedding. I figured it would be a good idea to go so I could get my mind off the news from yesterday.
When we arrived at the mall, we immediately began hunting for dresses for the both of us. We went from one store to another to another. We weren't having very good luck. I found one dress that I loved, but it wasn't in my size. I found a few more dresses along the way, but they were way out of my price range and I'm just not spending that much money on a dress that I can only wear once (most of them were one-shoulder dresses that aren't appropriate for work).
After several hours of unsuccessful shopping, we decided to take a lunch break. We ate at The Cheesecake Factory. The food was delicious, but I just couldn't eat much. I decided it was my nerves. I have had almost no appetite lately.
We resumed our shopping after taking the lunch break. We revisited some stores that we had briefly walked through earlier in the morning. Mom finally found a really cute dress for her. I still had no luck. Maybe it was my mood? I was exhausted and ready to go home by the end of the day.
Tomorrow I have a big day ahead of me. It's the day that I had been looking forward to during this entire process-the day of my first pregnancy test. Now it's a day that I'm dreading. I don't want bad news. I don't want to have to start all over.
Crash and Burn
July 3, 2012
Today I scheduled the first cheerleading practice of the summer. I finally have some time to devote to this commitment since I am no longer having to drive to Bedford so often. I am the sponsor for the Junior High cheerleaders, and I have neglected this responsibility the whole month of June so I could focus on my treatments.
Before I left for practice, I decided to take another pregnancy test to see if it had gotten any darker since the last time I took one. I wanted the line to get darker and darker so that I could feel like my hCG level was rising appropriately. BIG MISTAKE. The line had actually gotten fainter than my last test. I freaked. I called the clinic here in Seymour to request a quantitative hCG blood test. I am only 7dp5dt (7 days post 5 day transfer) and I'm not scheduled for my first hCG blood draw until 9dp5dt (2 days from now). I wanted to check it early to see how low or high it was since that evil stick is indicating that I'm already losing hCG.
I arrived at the clinic about 15 minutes before my scheduled practice to get the lab orders. I quickly walked over to the hospital to have the blood draw. Then came the wait.
I arrived at practice right on time. My mind was not there though. All I could think about was that I am already miscarrying. I felt sick. During practice, the clinic called with my beta (hCG) results. It was only 23. I freaked again. Most pregnancy tests only begin to detect hCG when it rises above 25. That would have to mean that at one time my hCG got above 25 (since the at home pregnancy test detected it), and now it must be plummeting! I called an end to practice after about 2 hours and quickly got the girls to leave before I had a complete meltdown.
I called Justin and told him it was happening again. We were losing the baby. He was understandably upset and hated that I was going through this again. I drove to my mom's shop and shared the news with her while I cried. I told her I just did not understand. I called the doctor's office in Bedford to share the news with them and to ask when I could begin a new IVF cycle. I was so concerned about fitting in another cycle before school starts so that I won't be taking off work for it. The nurse told me that a beta of 23 wasn't "that bad" for 7dp5dt and that I would need to still have the scheduled beta on 9dp5dt to see if it rises or falls.
I decided that I am not even going to let my mind feel like there is any hope. A lot of people online start out with betas above 100 and even 200. At 2 days before my scheduled beta, mine is only 23. I'm devastated, but I'm ready to get the next beta over with so I can know what is next.
So, we wait.
Today I scheduled the first cheerleading practice of the summer. I finally have some time to devote to this commitment since I am no longer having to drive to Bedford so often. I am the sponsor for the Junior High cheerleaders, and I have neglected this responsibility the whole month of June so I could focus on my treatments.
Before I left for practice, I decided to take another pregnancy test to see if it had gotten any darker since the last time I took one. I wanted the line to get darker and darker so that I could feel like my hCG level was rising appropriately. BIG MISTAKE. The line had actually gotten fainter than my last test. I freaked. I called the clinic here in Seymour to request a quantitative hCG blood test. I am only 7dp5dt (7 days post 5 day transfer) and I'm not scheduled for my first hCG blood draw until 9dp5dt (2 days from now). I wanted to check it early to see how low or high it was since that evil stick is indicating that I'm already losing hCG.
I arrived at the clinic about 15 minutes before my scheduled practice to get the lab orders. I quickly walked over to the hospital to have the blood draw. Then came the wait.
I arrived at practice right on time. My mind was not there though. All I could think about was that I am already miscarrying. I felt sick. During practice, the clinic called with my beta (hCG) results. It was only 23. I freaked again. Most pregnancy tests only begin to detect hCG when it rises above 25. That would have to mean that at one time my hCG got above 25 (since the at home pregnancy test detected it), and now it must be plummeting! I called an end to practice after about 2 hours and quickly got the girls to leave before I had a complete meltdown.
I called Justin and told him it was happening again. We were losing the baby. He was understandably upset and hated that I was going through this again. I drove to my mom's shop and shared the news with her while I cried. I told her I just did not understand. I called the doctor's office in Bedford to share the news with them and to ask when I could begin a new IVF cycle. I was so concerned about fitting in another cycle before school starts so that I won't be taking off work for it. The nurse told me that a beta of 23 wasn't "that bad" for 7dp5dt and that I would need to still have the scheduled beta on 9dp5dt to see if it rises or falls.
I decided that I am not even going to let my mind feel like there is any hope. A lot of people online start out with betas above 100 and even 200. At 2 days before my scheduled beta, mine is only 23. I'm devastated, but I'm ready to get the next beta over with so I can know what is next.
So, we wait.
Outside Help
July 2, 2012
Today I had an appointment with a Christian counselor that I sought out for help in managing my anxiety and worry throughout this very emotional process of IVF. I made an appointment with her because I feel that there are days where I do not handle my anxiety in a healthy way. In a previous post, I mentioned that my way of coping is by doing an unbelievable amount of research on any symptom or issue that I am experiencing during this process. There are times that research can give me a temporary sense of relief, but there are also times that it can scare me to death! I'm pretty sure it's not something I should really be doing all the time.
When I arrived at the counselor's office, she began asking why I was seeking help. I explained to her how stressed I stay throughout the process of infertility and that I just needed an "outside" opinion about how I need to handle all the emotions that are involved. The session was very emotional, but I got some really great advice.
The counselor recommended that every time I feel my anxiety building that instead of researching I should find a scripture to stand on instead. This sounds great in theory, but I know I'm going to have a hard time doing this. She also recommended that when I begin to feel anxious, just pray about whatever is on my mind. If that means I have to pray 30 times a day, then I need to pray 30 times a day. I know I can do this because I have already been praying about every detail of this process for months now. She also told me to take one day at a time and not to think too far into the future because it can be overwhelming. She is right. I tend to think out every possible scenario that could take place between point A and point B, and by the time I find solutions to every scenario, I feel absolutely overwhelmed and depressed.
Later this evening I went to my grandmother's house to spend time with her and Kayla. On Monday nights, we always watch the Bachelor/Bachelorette together. We also share things that we are experiencing throughout the week. I brought up the fact that I am having a VERY difficult time with trusting God during this process. Both my grandmother and Kayla gave me encouraging words and advice that made me feel better when I left.
When I arrived home after visiting with my grandmother, I received a text message from Kayla. The text said that God had given her a scripture for me. It was Romans 8:26-28: "Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray it doesn't matter. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives is worked into something good." She had not looked in the glossary in the back of the bible for verses pertaining to pregnancy. It was just a scripture that God laid upon her heart. A promise to me.
I felt a little more at peace before I went to sleep tonight.
Today I had an appointment with a Christian counselor that I sought out for help in managing my anxiety and worry throughout this very emotional process of IVF. I made an appointment with her because I feel that there are days where I do not handle my anxiety in a healthy way. In a previous post, I mentioned that my way of coping is by doing an unbelievable amount of research on any symptom or issue that I am experiencing during this process. There are times that research can give me a temporary sense of relief, but there are also times that it can scare me to death! I'm pretty sure it's not something I should really be doing all the time.
When I arrived at the counselor's office, she began asking why I was seeking help. I explained to her how stressed I stay throughout the process of infertility and that I just needed an "outside" opinion about how I need to handle all the emotions that are involved. The session was very emotional, but I got some really great advice.
The counselor recommended that every time I feel my anxiety building that instead of researching I should find a scripture to stand on instead. This sounds great in theory, but I know I'm going to have a hard time doing this. She also recommended that when I begin to feel anxious, just pray about whatever is on my mind. If that means I have to pray 30 times a day, then I need to pray 30 times a day. I know I can do this because I have already been praying about every detail of this process for months now. She also told me to take one day at a time and not to think too far into the future because it can be overwhelming. She is right. I tend to think out every possible scenario that could take place between point A and point B, and by the time I find solutions to every scenario, I feel absolutely overwhelmed and depressed.
Later this evening I went to my grandmother's house to spend time with her and Kayla. On Monday nights, we always watch the Bachelor/Bachelorette together. We also share things that we are experiencing throughout the week. I brought up the fact that I am having a VERY difficult time with trusting God during this process. Both my grandmother and Kayla gave me encouraging words and advice that made me feel better when I left.
When I arrived home after visiting with my grandmother, I received a text message from Kayla. The text said that God had given her a scripture for me. It was Romans 8:26-28: "Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray it doesn't matter. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives is worked into something good." She had not looked in the glossary in the back of the bible for verses pertaining to pregnancy. It was just a scripture that God laid upon her heart. A promise to me.
I felt a little more at peace before I went to sleep tonight.
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Up Again on the Roller Coaster
July 1, 2012
Yes, this is my second post of the day. Like I said, I am an emotional roller coaster, so some days are more eventful than others. This happens to be one of them. Earlier this morning I confessed to POAS (peeing on a stick) way too early in my IVF cycle. It was negative, and I was convinced that this cycle was doomed. I called my mom in complete hysteria about how it was over. I am 5dp5dt (5 days post 5 day transfer). That means that it has been five days since they transferred our 5-day-old embryos back into my uterus.
Since the transfer, I have done nothing but research IVF success/failure stories online. I've read just about every blog and joined all sorts of online infertility support groups. This is my way of coping. I research. Through all my research, I discovered that many women going through infertility treatments also have a POAS addiction like mine. They can't wait to see if maybe, just maybe they might see a positive. I also discovered that many women began to get very very faint positives using FRER (First Response Early Results) pregnancy tests on 4dp5dt, 5dp5dt, and 6dp5dt. With this newfound knowledge, I couldn't resist the stick. Yesterday at 4dp5dt I thought I saw just the slightest hint of a second line on the test. I couldn't be sure that my mind wasn't playing tricks on me.
This morning I woke up at 4:00 needing to use the bathroom. That's convenient since I now have this POAS addiction. I decided to test again to see if the line had become darker. It had not. It was stark white-hence the meltdown that can be read about in my previous blog post.
Later on this morning, I must confess that I was once again tempted by those evil sticks that are lurking in my bathroom. This time, I decided to get a disposable cup to pee into so that I could try dipping the stick instead of peeing on it. I thought maybe this approach would somehow yield a different result, and to my complete amazement, IT DID! I again saw a very faint second line in the test window! Could it be?
I called my husband to tell him to hurry home so he could confirm my findings. He indeed spotted the faint second line in the test window. We are pregnant! I'm not crazy after all! I called my mom back to inform her of the turn of events, and she said that she and my dad had been praying nonstop since my first call earlier in the morning. God indeed heard their prayers along with my desperate pleas.
The second I saw that coveted second line, I immediately began praising Jesus. Words cannot express how ecstatic I am. Am I still cautious and anxious about our growing baby/babies? Without a doubt, yes. But this is the closest we've been to being pregnant in SO LONG. I am so grateful.
After the overly dramatic morning I had, I went to my parents house for a family gathering. We had a lot of family come into town this weekend for a visit. It was nice to get out of the house and have something else to think about besides pee, sticks, and little pink lines!!!
Once I got home, I must admit that I once again POAS just to make sure that this morning wasn't a fluke. The second line has become just a tad darker and it came up immediately. I'm definitely preggers! I can't wait until Thursday to have it confirmed, and then I won't be able to wait for that first sonogram. But for the time being, I am going to enjoy finally being pregnant.
Yes, this is my second post of the day. Like I said, I am an emotional roller coaster, so some days are more eventful than others. This happens to be one of them. Earlier this morning I confessed to POAS (peeing on a stick) way too early in my IVF cycle. It was negative, and I was convinced that this cycle was doomed. I called my mom in complete hysteria about how it was over. I am 5dp5dt (5 days post 5 day transfer). That means that it has been five days since they transferred our 5-day-old embryos back into my uterus.
Since the transfer, I have done nothing but research IVF success/failure stories online. I've read just about every blog and joined all sorts of online infertility support groups. This is my way of coping. I research. Through all my research, I discovered that many women going through infertility treatments also have a POAS addiction like mine. They can't wait to see if maybe, just maybe they might see a positive. I also discovered that many women began to get very very faint positives using FRER (First Response Early Results) pregnancy tests on 4dp5dt, 5dp5dt, and 6dp5dt. With this newfound knowledge, I couldn't resist the stick. Yesterday at 4dp5dt I thought I saw just the slightest hint of a second line on the test. I couldn't be sure that my mind wasn't playing tricks on me.
This morning I woke up at 4:00 needing to use the bathroom. That's convenient since I now have this POAS addiction. I decided to test again to see if the line had become darker. It had not. It was stark white-hence the meltdown that can be read about in my previous blog post.
Later on this morning, I must confess that I was once again tempted by those evil sticks that are lurking in my bathroom. This time, I decided to get a disposable cup to pee into so that I could try dipping the stick instead of peeing on it. I thought maybe this approach would somehow yield a different result, and to my complete amazement, IT DID! I again saw a very faint second line in the test window! Could it be?
I called my husband to tell him to hurry home so he could confirm my findings. He indeed spotted the faint second line in the test window. We are pregnant! I'm not crazy after all! I called my mom back to inform her of the turn of events, and she said that she and my dad had been praying nonstop since my first call earlier in the morning. God indeed heard their prayers along with my desperate pleas.
The second I saw that coveted second line, I immediately began praising Jesus. Words cannot express how ecstatic I am. Am I still cautious and anxious about our growing baby/babies? Without a doubt, yes. But this is the closest we've been to being pregnant in SO LONG. I am so grateful.
After the overly dramatic morning I had, I went to my parents house for a family gathering. We had a lot of family come into town this weekend for a visit. It was nice to get out of the house and have something else to think about besides pee, sticks, and little pink lines!!!
Once I got home, I must admit that I once again POAS just to make sure that this morning wasn't a fluke. The second line has become just a tad darker and it came up immediately. I'm definitely preggers! I can't wait until Thursday to have it confirmed, and then I won't be able to wait for that first sonogram. But for the time being, I am going to enjoy finally being pregnant.
I Want Off the Roller Coaster
July 1, 2012
I want off this miserable roller coaster ride. It is truly making me sick. I am currently in the dreaded 2WW (2 week wait) that only women who go through infertility can understand. It's that period of time after your embryo transfer where you can do nothing but wait and see if you are pregnant. You are hoping you are pregnant (some women claim they are PUPO-Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise), but I'm not the type of person to take on that type of thinking. To believe that I am pregnant means that I could potentially face a HUGE disappointment. I'm not willing to go there.
I'm a realist. Even though my doctor told us we had greater than a 70% chance of success this cycle, I realize I might be that other 30%. I would much rather prepare myself for the disappointment than to be blindsided by it. In fact, yesterday my mother and I made a trip to Wichita Falls to do a little shopping. I decided I would purchase some pregnancy tests so I can start taking them every morning leading up to my blood test. I would rather know that my blood test is going to be negative beforehand, rather than the doctor's office call me with that information. I took one yesterday, and I swore I saw the FAINTEST second line if I turned the stick just right. I probably just wanted it to be there so badly that I imagined it.
Later yesterday evening I began having what feels like menstrual cramps. Achy back, crampy abdomen, all the tell tale signs of your impending period. Great. I've read online that some women swore their periods were coming but turned out to be pregnant. Pregnancy symptoms sometimes mock menstrual symptoms. Hope they are right, but I am not getting my hopes up. Justin came home last night from Morton, and the second he walked in the door he asked, "How are you and baby doing?". I broke down and just cried and told him I felt like my period was coming.
This morning I woke up and POAS (peed on a stick). It had one line, and the rest of the test was stark white. Not even a faint line. Yep, I probably imagined the line yesterday. I know it's still pretty early to be testing, but the First Response Early Results box says that almost 100% of women who were pregnant got their results 4 days prior to their missed period. Yesterday was 5 days before I was supposed to test, and today was 4 days. I'm pretty sure I'm not pregnant. I called my mom and cried.
To try to explain how frustrating and devastating this process can be is just impossible. It's the worst hurt I've ever experienced in my lifetime. I have prayed over these babies for months, and I feel completely abandoned by God. I know that is not reality. God does not abandon us. But that's how I FEEL, and I can't help how I feel. I want Him to tell me WHY he is not allowing this to be easier for us. I have been looking forward to a positive pregnancy test for MONTHS now. We have spent more than I make in a YEAR on these treatments. We have 5 more IVF cycles after this one to get pregnant, but I DON'T WANT TO DO IT ANYMORE! I want off the roller coaster. I want to be done. How do you pick yourself back up and do this again?!
I am trying to stay positive, but I don't know that I have a whole lot of hope in order to do that at this point. Once I get negative news, it just shatters my whole world. This has been my whole life for the past few months. It's the only thing I've focused on. I've spent a whole month of my life giving injections into my abdomen for this? I just don't understand. Maybe God will pull through and I will get that positive test, but it would truly be a miracle.
I'm ready for the next few days to be over with. I want to know one way or the other so I can have some peace. If we have to do another cycle, we will be running into all kinds of new obstacles that make me sick to think about. I will be working again-at a new job. I will have the stress of going through all this treatment again compounded by the stress of my new teaching job. I have a new boss that may or may not be very understanding about the time I will have to spend away from work. I desperately hope that I will not have to face those struggles and that this will be it for us. I must continue praying and trusting that God knows what He's doing even if it makes no sense to me.
I want off this miserable roller coaster ride. It is truly making me sick. I am currently in the dreaded 2WW (2 week wait) that only women who go through infertility can understand. It's that period of time after your embryo transfer where you can do nothing but wait and see if you are pregnant. You are hoping you are pregnant (some women claim they are PUPO-Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise), but I'm not the type of person to take on that type of thinking. To believe that I am pregnant means that I could potentially face a HUGE disappointment. I'm not willing to go there.
I'm a realist. Even though my doctor told us we had greater than a 70% chance of success this cycle, I realize I might be that other 30%. I would much rather prepare myself for the disappointment than to be blindsided by it. In fact, yesterday my mother and I made a trip to Wichita Falls to do a little shopping. I decided I would purchase some pregnancy tests so I can start taking them every morning leading up to my blood test. I would rather know that my blood test is going to be negative beforehand, rather than the doctor's office call me with that information. I took one yesterday, and I swore I saw the FAINTEST second line if I turned the stick just right. I probably just wanted it to be there so badly that I imagined it.
Later yesterday evening I began having what feels like menstrual cramps. Achy back, crampy abdomen, all the tell tale signs of your impending period. Great. I've read online that some women swore their periods were coming but turned out to be pregnant. Pregnancy symptoms sometimes mock menstrual symptoms. Hope they are right, but I am not getting my hopes up. Justin came home last night from Morton, and the second he walked in the door he asked, "How are you and baby doing?". I broke down and just cried and told him I felt like my period was coming.
This morning I woke up and POAS (peed on a stick). It had one line, and the rest of the test was stark white. Not even a faint line. Yep, I probably imagined the line yesterday. I know it's still pretty early to be testing, but the First Response Early Results box says that almost 100% of women who were pregnant got their results 4 days prior to their missed period. Yesterday was 5 days before I was supposed to test, and today was 4 days. I'm pretty sure I'm not pregnant. I called my mom and cried.
To try to explain how frustrating and devastating this process can be is just impossible. It's the worst hurt I've ever experienced in my lifetime. I have prayed over these babies for months, and I feel completely abandoned by God. I know that is not reality. God does not abandon us. But that's how I FEEL, and I can't help how I feel. I want Him to tell me WHY he is not allowing this to be easier for us. I have been looking forward to a positive pregnancy test for MONTHS now. We have spent more than I make in a YEAR on these treatments. We have 5 more IVF cycles after this one to get pregnant, but I DON'T WANT TO DO IT ANYMORE! I want off the roller coaster. I want to be done. How do you pick yourself back up and do this again?!
I am trying to stay positive, but I don't know that I have a whole lot of hope in order to do that at this point. Once I get negative news, it just shatters my whole world. This has been my whole life for the past few months. It's the only thing I've focused on. I've spent a whole month of my life giving injections into my abdomen for this? I just don't understand. Maybe God will pull through and I will get that positive test, but it would truly be a miracle.
I'm ready for the next few days to be over with. I want to know one way or the other so I can have some peace. If we have to do another cycle, we will be running into all kinds of new obstacles that make me sick to think about. I will be working again-at a new job. I will have the stress of going through all this treatment again compounded by the stress of my new teaching job. I have a new boss that may or may not be very understanding about the time I will have to spend away from work. I desperately hope that I will not have to face those struggles and that this will be it for us. I must continue praying and trusting that God knows what He's doing even if it makes no sense to me.
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