August 31, 2012
This week marked the beginning of the 2012-2013 school year. Even though I was super busy with the start of school, I LOVE teaching at the high school level. I am really enjoying what and who I'm teaching this year. It makes it pretty easy to get up and want to go to work.
As I mentioned in a previous blog post, I was forced to take off work today for an appointment with a cardiologist. My appointment was this morning at 10, so I took off a full day because I had no idea how long it would take. Justin went with me since he is finally working back in town!
The first thing the nurses did when I arrived was take my vitals and asked a million questions. After being interrogated, they hooked me up for an EKG. I was shocked that the test only took about 2 minutes. After the test was complete, the nurse didn't tell me anything. Shortly after, a nurse practitioner came into the room to ask even more questions and to tell me that my EKG showed that my heart got out of rhythm in one place. She discussed that my doctor would likely want to perform an echocardiogram and make me wear a monitor for a week or two to find out more information. She also discussed a few medications that would be safe to take during pregnancy if we have to go that route.
Next we finally got to meet our doctor. His name is Dr. Ganeshram. He asked if I have ever had any fainting spells before, and I have-but they were long before my pregnancy. He asked if I had ever seen a cardiologist about it, and when I said no, he looked at me like I was a complete moron. We had gone to a doctor about it, but they always thought it was neurological and related to migraines. He also asked if I've had any blood clots....ummm, yeah I have one right now as a matter of fact. It's a subchorionic hemorrhage in the placenta. Anyway, he proceeded to explain that he saw a spot in the EKG that had a short interval that gets the rhythm a bit off. He also explained that pregnancy is a huge strain on the heart because it has to pump blood to both me and the baby now. That is why my symptoms have most likely been more noticeable. He scheduled another appointment for next week (the same day as my next ultrasound) to do the echocardiogram and to give me my monitor. I will then have to return the following week to get some results. That's about all we know for now...I'll keep everyone updated as we find out more.
After the appointment, we came back home. I planned to take a nap this afternoon, but my life decided to get even more dramatic instead. I will warn readers that this might be TMI for some people, so proceed with caution! When I arrived home from our appointment, I had to go to the bathroom. While in there, I noticed a tiny bit of bleeding. Of course I freaked out a little, but tried to reassure myself that it was just the subchorionic hemorrhage that they had previously warned me about. I called my doctor, and they told me it was probably just the hemorrhage and was nothing to be concerned about unless it got worse. That was not an acceptable answer for me, so I requested that they see me since it is Friday and I sure don't want something major to happen on the weekend. They didn't have any spots open for a sonogram but agreed to see me and find the baby's heartbeat on a Doppler. I rushed back to Wichita to have the baby checked out. I had to see a different doctor because mine was unavailable, but I didn't care. She began trying to find the heartbeat using the Doppler, and it was taking her forever! She searched for about 5 minutes with no avail. Finally about 8-10 minutes into it, she found it. She couldn't even get the reading because it quickly disappeared. She began searching again and spotted it pretty quickly this time. She said he/she must have been very active and that is why it was so difficult to keep it on the heartbeat. She got a reading in the 160's, which is perfect. Thank you God!
Next week I have my OB and cardiologist appointments. I'm very excited about seeing our baby again, and I'm ready to find out more about the heart issue. I'm praying that it is just the strain of the pregnancy and that we don't have to do anything about it. Any prayers you could send our way will be much appreciated!
Friday, August 31, 2012
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Doula, Doctors, & Back to Work
August 25, 2012
I started back to work this week, and it was tough! I had several trainings to attend, and I also had to prepare my classroom and lessons for next week. I can't believe summer is over and school is here already! I have my classroom prepared, but I am still working on lesson plans through the weekend. It's a lot of work to prepare power points and notes for each lesson, but I know that's one of the best ways to get and keep my students' attention since I can add in graphics and videos.
Even while the chaos of "back to school" is going on, I am also still dealing with all the planning that goes into a pregnancy. All of this combined makes for one tired momma-to-be. Lately I've been having some very strange sensations happening in my body. It's difficult to describe, but I will do my best. First, every once in awhile, my heart will start racing for no apparent reason. When it does this, I can actually feel my heartbeat up in my throat. It also makes me become out of breath very quickly and easily. In addition to the increases in my heart rate, I also have periodic spells of dizziness. I can't describe how funny it makes my head feel. I've monitored my blood pressure at home on a digital blood pressure machine, and it has ran quite low throughout my whole pregnancy. Many times it is not surprising to see it run 85/58 or something in that neighborhood. I'm sure this contributes to my tiredness and dizziness. I've also caught my heart rate on the same machine when it was racing-it was a little over 100 bpm. I called my doctor about these symptoms, and they referred me to a cardiologist. I'm sure they are just doing it for precautionary reasons, but my logic is that these symptoms are likely a side-effect of hormones. I rarely have anything go as "normal". They scheduled my appointment for August 31 (next Friday). I was pretty embarrassed to have to ask for a sub on the first week of school, but my health and this pregnancy trumps just about anything else right now. I also have to take off work the following week (September 6) for an OB appointment. Oh well.
On Thursday of last week, mom and I drove to Wichita Falls to meet with a doula. Justin was supposed to attend the meeting, but he had to go out of town again for work. For those of you who are curious, a doula is a woman who is certified and trained in childbirth. She supports the mother and father emotionally and physically. She provides information and support to the parents before, during, and after birth. I decided to hire a doula because I am planning to have an unmedicated birth in a hospital. I made this decision based on a lot of research about epidurals and pain medication. Basically I've found that an epidural can slow your labor or even stop it because you become so relaxed. This often prompts a doctor to then give pitocin (more medicine to make contractions stronger). The pitocin may or may not help with starting your labor again and can often lead to a C-Section if the doctor feels that you aren't making enough progress. Also, epidurals are known for dropping your heart rate as well as the baby's. This almost always leads to a C-Section because the baby becomes distressed. I'd rather avoid a C-Section at all costs. It increases your recovery time, and many doctors then refuse to do a VBAC (Vaginal Birth after Cesarean) because it can be dangerous. In addition to leading to C-Sections, epidurals and pain medication also affect the baby. It can make them loopy/drowsy and less likely to latch on for breastfeeding. They can be dangerous to both mom and baby. My philosophy and belief is that a woman's body is intended to give birth and knows how to do it. God designed our bodies to do this. I don't need or want intervention unless my baby is in danger. At that time, I would obviously do anything to make sure he/she is healthy. Yes, I know that it will be painful. And I'm sure there will be points in my labor that I question my decision; but with the help of my doula and family, I know I can do it.
Anyway, we met with my doula, and my mom and I both really liked her. She seems very educated on the subject, and our personalities went very well together. She will be on call from two weeks before my due date until I give birth. Basically when I go into labor, I will call her to describe what I'm experiencing. She will be able to tell how far along I am in the process and give advice over the phone. When she believes I'm in active labor, she will drive to Seymour to meet with us in our home. She will allow me to labor at home as long as I feel comfortable (I've decided I will probably only labor at home until about 4-5 centimeters). We will then drive to Wichita Falls to be admitted into the hospital. There I only intend to monitor the baby's heartbeat to ensure their health. I don't wish to be hooked up to any IV's so that I can move around more easily. (Laboring in bed is one of the worst ways to labor.) My doula will be there to help Justin know how to help me alleviate pain. She will also give me advice about what doctors and nurses are telling me. She will be there to encourage me when I become weak, and she will do her best to help me avoid deviating from my birth plan. She does NOT tell me I can't have an epidural or a C-Section. She will support me if that is something I decide I need to do.
After we make it through birth, my doula will stay long enough to help get my baby latched on for breastfeeding, make sure Justin & I are taken care of (food, drinks, etc...), and to make sure we are all comfortable. She will then leave and allow us to have our family bonding time. She will make one post-partum visit at my house to check on baby and me. She will give resources for additional breastfeeding support if needed. She also gives us a copy of our birth story that she puts together for us.
I'm excited about the weeks and months to come. I'm ready to get past the next few doctor's appointments and to see that everything is still going OK. I'm hoping the first few weeks of school will fly by and I will get used to being back in a routine!
I started back to work this week, and it was tough! I had several trainings to attend, and I also had to prepare my classroom and lessons for next week. I can't believe summer is over and school is here already! I have my classroom prepared, but I am still working on lesson plans through the weekend. It's a lot of work to prepare power points and notes for each lesson, but I know that's one of the best ways to get and keep my students' attention since I can add in graphics and videos.
Even while the chaos of "back to school" is going on, I am also still dealing with all the planning that goes into a pregnancy. All of this combined makes for one tired momma-to-be. Lately I've been having some very strange sensations happening in my body. It's difficult to describe, but I will do my best. First, every once in awhile, my heart will start racing for no apparent reason. When it does this, I can actually feel my heartbeat up in my throat. It also makes me become out of breath very quickly and easily. In addition to the increases in my heart rate, I also have periodic spells of dizziness. I can't describe how funny it makes my head feel. I've monitored my blood pressure at home on a digital blood pressure machine, and it has ran quite low throughout my whole pregnancy. Many times it is not surprising to see it run 85/58 or something in that neighborhood. I'm sure this contributes to my tiredness and dizziness. I've also caught my heart rate on the same machine when it was racing-it was a little over 100 bpm. I called my doctor about these symptoms, and they referred me to a cardiologist. I'm sure they are just doing it for precautionary reasons, but my logic is that these symptoms are likely a side-effect of hormones. I rarely have anything go as "normal". They scheduled my appointment for August 31 (next Friday). I was pretty embarrassed to have to ask for a sub on the first week of school, but my health and this pregnancy trumps just about anything else right now. I also have to take off work the following week (September 6) for an OB appointment. Oh well.
On Thursday of last week, mom and I drove to Wichita Falls to meet with a doula. Justin was supposed to attend the meeting, but he had to go out of town again for work. For those of you who are curious, a doula is a woman who is certified and trained in childbirth. She supports the mother and father emotionally and physically. She provides information and support to the parents before, during, and after birth. I decided to hire a doula because I am planning to have an unmedicated birth in a hospital. I made this decision based on a lot of research about epidurals and pain medication. Basically I've found that an epidural can slow your labor or even stop it because you become so relaxed. This often prompts a doctor to then give pitocin (more medicine to make contractions stronger). The pitocin may or may not help with starting your labor again and can often lead to a C-Section if the doctor feels that you aren't making enough progress. Also, epidurals are known for dropping your heart rate as well as the baby's. This almost always leads to a C-Section because the baby becomes distressed. I'd rather avoid a C-Section at all costs. It increases your recovery time, and many doctors then refuse to do a VBAC (Vaginal Birth after Cesarean) because it can be dangerous. In addition to leading to C-Sections, epidurals and pain medication also affect the baby. It can make them loopy/drowsy and less likely to latch on for breastfeeding. They can be dangerous to both mom and baby. My philosophy and belief is that a woman's body is intended to give birth and knows how to do it. God designed our bodies to do this. I don't need or want intervention unless my baby is in danger. At that time, I would obviously do anything to make sure he/she is healthy. Yes, I know that it will be painful. And I'm sure there will be points in my labor that I question my decision; but with the help of my doula and family, I know I can do it.
Anyway, we met with my doula, and my mom and I both really liked her. She seems very educated on the subject, and our personalities went very well together. She will be on call from two weeks before my due date until I give birth. Basically when I go into labor, I will call her to describe what I'm experiencing. She will be able to tell how far along I am in the process and give advice over the phone. When she believes I'm in active labor, she will drive to Seymour to meet with us in our home. She will allow me to labor at home as long as I feel comfortable (I've decided I will probably only labor at home until about 4-5 centimeters). We will then drive to Wichita Falls to be admitted into the hospital. There I only intend to monitor the baby's heartbeat to ensure their health. I don't wish to be hooked up to any IV's so that I can move around more easily. (Laboring in bed is one of the worst ways to labor.) My doula will be there to help Justin know how to help me alleviate pain. She will also give me advice about what doctors and nurses are telling me. She will be there to encourage me when I become weak, and she will do her best to help me avoid deviating from my birth plan. She does NOT tell me I can't have an epidural or a C-Section. She will support me if that is something I decide I need to do.
After we make it through birth, my doula will stay long enough to help get my baby latched on for breastfeeding, make sure Justin & I are taken care of (food, drinks, etc...), and to make sure we are all comfortable. She will then leave and allow us to have our family bonding time. She will make one post-partum visit at my house to check on baby and me. She will give resources for additional breastfeeding support if needed. She also gives us a copy of our birth story that she puts together for us.
I'm excited about the weeks and months to come. I'm ready to get past the next few doctor's appointments and to see that everything is still going OK. I'm hoping the first few weeks of school will fly by and I will get used to being back in a routine!
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
First OB Appointment/Prayer Request
August 15, 2012
This morning I had my very first OB appointment in Wichita Falls. I am using Dr. Winfrey at The Women's Clinic, but she is out on maternity leave until the end of this month, so I saw the nurse practitioner.
The first thing they did was take me back for another ultrasound (Yay, I never get tired of seeing our baby). The little one has grown quite a lot in just one week. Today I was able to see tiny little arms and legs. Also, baby Ermis was squirming and wiggling around all over the place. It was absolutely precious! I've never seen that until today. The sonogram technician measured the CRL (crown to rump length), and baby was measuring exactly on track at 9 weeks 6 days. Next she spotted the heartbeat and it was beating at 165 bpm, perfect!
Next the technician looked for my ovaries so that she could measure the cysts that have formed from the IVF medications. While looking around, she spotted one thing that is kind of scary. She found a subchorionic hemorrhage, which is basically a buildup of blood between the placenta and uterine wall. She warned me that the hemorrhage may cause bleeding and wanted me to be aware so I didn't totally freak out thinking it is a miscarriage. In most cases, the hemorrhage will resolve on its own by either bleeding out or reabsorbing into my body. I'm definitely praying for the latter. In some cases the hemorrhage can actually cause miscarriage (from what I've researched), but my caregivers did not seem concerned about that at all. They told me if I began to bleed that they will do another sonogram to ease my worries. The hemorrhage also increases chances of preterm labor and placental abruption, but that is rare. Even so, I ask anyone who follows my blog to be in prayer that this hemorrhage will reabsorb and be gone by my next appointment so I don't have to worry about it anymore.
After the ultrasound, I met with the nurse practitioner to go over all the do's and don'ts of pregnancy. I already knew the majority of this information since I've been seeing a specialist, but I know it's routine. They performed all the routine lab work, pap, and breast exam. I've had almost all of the lab testing done before now also, but I know they want to do it for their own records.
All in all, my first appointment was great. I love how detailed my caregivers were to set my mind at ease. They really did their best to keep me from being scared. I go back in a few weeks (September 6) for the nuchal translucency test for Down's Syndrome, Trisomy 18, etc... I will have another sonogram, so I'm definitely looking forward to seeing the baby again and seeing that my hemorrhage has healed. I will be in prayer that everything continues progressing normally and we have no issues come up. Here's a picture of baby Ermis from today:
This morning I had my very first OB appointment in Wichita Falls. I am using Dr. Winfrey at The Women's Clinic, but she is out on maternity leave until the end of this month, so I saw the nurse practitioner.
The first thing they did was take me back for another ultrasound (Yay, I never get tired of seeing our baby). The little one has grown quite a lot in just one week. Today I was able to see tiny little arms and legs. Also, baby Ermis was squirming and wiggling around all over the place. It was absolutely precious! I've never seen that until today. The sonogram technician measured the CRL (crown to rump length), and baby was measuring exactly on track at 9 weeks 6 days. Next she spotted the heartbeat and it was beating at 165 bpm, perfect!
Next the technician looked for my ovaries so that she could measure the cysts that have formed from the IVF medications. While looking around, she spotted one thing that is kind of scary. She found a subchorionic hemorrhage, which is basically a buildup of blood between the placenta and uterine wall. She warned me that the hemorrhage may cause bleeding and wanted me to be aware so I didn't totally freak out thinking it is a miscarriage. In most cases, the hemorrhage will resolve on its own by either bleeding out or reabsorbing into my body. I'm definitely praying for the latter. In some cases the hemorrhage can actually cause miscarriage (from what I've researched), but my caregivers did not seem concerned about that at all. They told me if I began to bleed that they will do another sonogram to ease my worries. The hemorrhage also increases chances of preterm labor and placental abruption, but that is rare. Even so, I ask anyone who follows my blog to be in prayer that this hemorrhage will reabsorb and be gone by my next appointment so I don't have to worry about it anymore.
After the ultrasound, I met with the nurse practitioner to go over all the do's and don'ts of pregnancy. I already knew the majority of this information since I've been seeing a specialist, but I know it's routine. They performed all the routine lab work, pap, and breast exam. I've had almost all of the lab testing done before now also, but I know they want to do it for their own records.
Sunday, August 12, 2012
We're Not Beggars
August 12, 2012
Yesterday was a very emotional day for me. There was no apparent reason for my fears and doubts; they were just there and taunting me all day. I hate days like that. It can make you feel so helpless and weak.
This morning I got up and went to church. Can I just say how much I love my church? I attend Harvest Christian Fellowship, and I love it for so many reasons. One of those reasons is that I feel and hear God there. Another reason I love this church is for the people within it. There are some amazing individuals who are connected and in tune with God's will and purpose for our lives and our community, and they are so loving and so supporting and have God's heart. I just love it. This entry was not supposed to be about how much I love my church, but I just had to express how much I am blessed by it.
This morning, one individual said that she just felt like she needed to say that the Enemy gets us to believe some really stupid lies. He tells us that God is not enough or that God cannot help us in our situation. I fall into the Enemy's trap so many times when it comes to my baby and our health. He likes to place really evil thoughts and lies into my head so that I can't enjoy such an incredible gift that God has given to me. God is my provider. He is my father. He loves me, and there is nothing He can't do. In Matthew 7:11 it says, "If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how MUCH MORE will your father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him." I just love this view of our heavenly Father. He is not some hard, judgmental ruler who is just waiting for you to mess up so he can strike you down. We are his children, and he wants to give us good things even more than what our earthly father wants to give. That is just amazing to me because I have a pretty awesome earthly father who has gone above and beyond to give his children all we've ever wanted or needed. God is that much more!
Tonight I returned to church for our monthly CORE service. I was blessed again by the message. The message was about prayer. Often we view prayer as a sort of chore that is really boring. Sometimes we even feel guilty if we forget to pray. Prayer was never meant to be that way. Prayer is a time to be in fellowship with God, and without the Holy Spirt, it is boring. Tonight our pastor gave us a sort of mini lesson on how we should be praying. I don't know about any of you, but I catch myself saying wimpy prayers like this: "God, please please please let my baby be healthy. Please nourish and develop this child as it needs to be. I pray that you will allow me to be a mother to this child." That is not at all how scripture teaches us to pray. We are not beggars before the Lord. We are his children! If we look at the Lord's prayer, that is NOT a wimpy prayer. It says, "Our Father, which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy Name.Thy Kingdom come. Thy will be done on earth, As it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread.And forgive us our trespasses,As we forgive those that trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation, But deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom,The power, and the glory,For ever and ever.Amen." We are to praise his name and declare who He is. He is our Father. Holy is His name. We are to declare His will on earth, in our lives, in our marriages, in our families, in our finances, in our communities, at our jobs, as it is in heaven. We are to ask him for what it is we need-our daily bread. We are to ask for forgiveness so that His forgiveness for us will spill out and we can forgive others. He does not tempt us, but delivers us from the Enemy. He is ruler and has authority and victory for ever and ever. We are to declare His will when we pray. We are to glorify his name. We are not to be beggars before the Lord.
After the sermon tonight, I had an individual who asked to pray with me. God knows just when we need someone to come alongside us and encourage us. Isn't he so good like that? This person just prayed that I would see that I don't have to earn God's provision or His love. I don't have to do anything for that. God has already done that through Jesus. She also prayed that I would just use this time that I have right now alone (since Justin is gone for work so much) to just spend time in worship with God. God was revealing to her that He is moving and working in my life right now and wants to use this opportunity to grow me spiritually. She prayed for our family and our precious baby. She told me that my baby is going to be just fine. I know she is right. God's got this. He loves me and wants to give me good gifts. He knows my heart and knows that this is something I've longed for. I don't have to earn it. I didn't earn it. He just loves me and wants to bless my life. I love my heavenly Father, and I know He is present and with me and that I don't have to worry about anything. He has worked every detail of my life into something good.
Yesterday was a very emotional day for me. There was no apparent reason for my fears and doubts; they were just there and taunting me all day. I hate days like that. It can make you feel so helpless and weak.
This morning I got up and went to church. Can I just say how much I love my church? I attend Harvest Christian Fellowship, and I love it for so many reasons. One of those reasons is that I feel and hear God there. Another reason I love this church is for the people within it. There are some amazing individuals who are connected and in tune with God's will and purpose for our lives and our community, and they are so loving and so supporting and have God's heart. I just love it. This entry was not supposed to be about how much I love my church, but I just had to express how much I am blessed by it.
This morning, one individual said that she just felt like she needed to say that the Enemy gets us to believe some really stupid lies. He tells us that God is not enough or that God cannot help us in our situation. I fall into the Enemy's trap so many times when it comes to my baby and our health. He likes to place really evil thoughts and lies into my head so that I can't enjoy such an incredible gift that God has given to me. God is my provider. He is my father. He loves me, and there is nothing He can't do. In Matthew 7:11 it says, "If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how MUCH MORE will your father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him." I just love this view of our heavenly Father. He is not some hard, judgmental ruler who is just waiting for you to mess up so he can strike you down. We are his children, and he wants to give us good things even more than what our earthly father wants to give. That is just amazing to me because I have a pretty awesome earthly father who has gone above and beyond to give his children all we've ever wanted or needed. God is that much more!
Tonight I returned to church for our monthly CORE service. I was blessed again by the message. The message was about prayer. Often we view prayer as a sort of chore that is really boring. Sometimes we even feel guilty if we forget to pray. Prayer was never meant to be that way. Prayer is a time to be in fellowship with God, and without the Holy Spirt, it is boring. Tonight our pastor gave us a sort of mini lesson on how we should be praying. I don't know about any of you, but I catch myself saying wimpy prayers like this: "God, please please please let my baby be healthy. Please nourish and develop this child as it needs to be. I pray that you will allow me to be a mother to this child." That is not at all how scripture teaches us to pray. We are not beggars before the Lord. We are his children! If we look at the Lord's prayer, that is NOT a wimpy prayer. It says, "Our Father, which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy Name.Thy Kingdom come. Thy will be done on earth, As it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread.And forgive us our trespasses,As we forgive those that trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation, But deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom,The power, and the glory,For ever and ever.Amen." We are to praise his name and declare who He is. He is our Father. Holy is His name. We are to declare His will on earth, in our lives, in our marriages, in our families, in our finances, in our communities, at our jobs, as it is in heaven. We are to ask him for what it is we need-our daily bread. We are to ask for forgiveness so that His forgiveness for us will spill out and we can forgive others. He does not tempt us, but delivers us from the Enemy. He is ruler and has authority and victory for ever and ever. We are to declare His will when we pray. We are to glorify his name. We are not to be beggars before the Lord.
After the sermon tonight, I had an individual who asked to pray with me. God knows just when we need someone to come alongside us and encourage us. Isn't he so good like that? This person just prayed that I would see that I don't have to earn God's provision or His love. I don't have to do anything for that. God has already done that through Jesus. She also prayed that I would just use this time that I have right now alone (since Justin is gone for work so much) to just spend time in worship with God. God was revealing to her that He is moving and working in my life right now and wants to use this opportunity to grow me spiritually. She prayed for our family and our precious baby. She told me that my baby is going to be just fine. I know she is right. God's got this. He loves me and wants to give me good gifts. He knows my heart and knows that this is something I've longed for. I don't have to earn it. I didn't earn it. He just loves me and wants to bless my life. I love my heavenly Father, and I know He is present and with me and that I don't have to worry about anything. He has worked every detail of my life into something good.
Saturday, August 11, 2012
When Will the Trepidation End?
August 11, 2012
It has only been two days since my last ultrasound (which went just fine by the way), and I still have an overwhelming sense of trepidation and fear for the health of our baby. Will this feeling ever pass? Just two days ago I received confirmation that our baby still has a very strong, healthy heartbeat. Even though the little one was measuring just a few days behind (8 weeks 4 days when I was 9 weeks 0 days), the doctor seemed to feel that the pregnancy was perfectly normal. In fact, he released me to a regular OB. That is a huge step for anyone who has undergone IVF to achieve a pregnancy, so why do I still have an overwhelming feeling that I can't celebrate just yet?
My mom and I went shopping for maternity clothes after my ultrasound, and I can wear them due to the expansion of my waste line during the IVF process. I think part of my "bump" is due to fertility drugs, partly due to enlarged ovaries from the egg retrieval process, and maybe slightly due to an expanding uterus from the pregnancy. It's hard to tell. Anyway, when I wear the clothes, I actually feel and look like I'm pregnant. I am happy about this. However, I began to have really crappy thoughts about something that is usually fun for a first-time mom. Instead of being able to enjoy looking and feeling pregnant in my new maternity clothes, I am plagued with thought like this: "Should I really rip the tags off this shirt/pair of pants and wear them right now? What if in a few weeks I found out that something has gone wrong? Then I won't be able to return the clothes and I will have wasted a lot of money." When I made my pregnancy announcement on facebook, I immediately thought, "What if I have to make another announcement letting everyone know that we've miscarried?" I hate that infertility has robbed me of many of the joys of pregnancy. I feel unable to get truly excited about finally being pregnant because I live in fear that at any minute it will all be ripped away from me. I didn't get excited about my first home pregnancy test, I didn't get excited about my first blood pregnancy test, I had extreme anxiety and fear at my first ultrasound, I had fear following my second ultrasound, I almost dreaded my third ultrasound because I didn't feel pregnant anymore, and now I'm still scared after a third ultrasound that revealed no problems. When do these feelings stop?
I keep telling myself that "at my next appointment, I will let myself be excited". Those appointments have come and gone, and I still have worries and doubts. God has proven over and over again that this pregnancy is just fine. I try my best to rely on His promises to me, but I often allow my thoughts and fears to get me down. I'm hoping that as the pregnancy progresses, my confidence will also. I pray that there is a point in my pregnancy that I can finally breathe a sigh of relief and just enjoy it.
Today has just been one of those days that my thoughts and fears ran wild. I partly blame myself for not shutting them out when they start, and then I partly blame the pregnancy hormones. I am overwhelmed with emotion a good majority of the time. Today has been really hard for no reason at all. I've had about 3 crying spells over nothing. I cry as a type this entry. I am so beyond ready to get to that "magical" point in my pregnancy where my fear subsides. Will it be at the 12 week mark? Will it be at 20 weeks? Will it be at birth? Right now I don't know. I pray that it is sooner rather than later because I would hate to think that I didn't fully embrace every aspect of this pregnancy. It is something I've longed for for several years now. I will be saying lots of prayers to help me get through the remainder of this pregnancy, and I hope that I will begin to be able to let go of the fear and replace it with joy.
It has only been two days since my last ultrasound (which went just fine by the way), and I still have an overwhelming sense of trepidation and fear for the health of our baby. Will this feeling ever pass? Just two days ago I received confirmation that our baby still has a very strong, healthy heartbeat. Even though the little one was measuring just a few days behind (8 weeks 4 days when I was 9 weeks 0 days), the doctor seemed to feel that the pregnancy was perfectly normal. In fact, he released me to a regular OB. That is a huge step for anyone who has undergone IVF to achieve a pregnancy, so why do I still have an overwhelming feeling that I can't celebrate just yet?
My mom and I went shopping for maternity clothes after my ultrasound, and I can wear them due to the expansion of my waste line during the IVF process. I think part of my "bump" is due to fertility drugs, partly due to enlarged ovaries from the egg retrieval process, and maybe slightly due to an expanding uterus from the pregnancy. It's hard to tell. Anyway, when I wear the clothes, I actually feel and look like I'm pregnant. I am happy about this. However, I began to have really crappy thoughts about something that is usually fun for a first-time mom. Instead of being able to enjoy looking and feeling pregnant in my new maternity clothes, I am plagued with thought like this: "Should I really rip the tags off this shirt/pair of pants and wear them right now? What if in a few weeks I found out that something has gone wrong? Then I won't be able to return the clothes and I will have wasted a lot of money." When I made my pregnancy announcement on facebook, I immediately thought, "What if I have to make another announcement letting everyone know that we've miscarried?" I hate that infertility has robbed me of many of the joys of pregnancy. I feel unable to get truly excited about finally being pregnant because I live in fear that at any minute it will all be ripped away from me. I didn't get excited about my first home pregnancy test, I didn't get excited about my first blood pregnancy test, I had extreme anxiety and fear at my first ultrasound, I had fear following my second ultrasound, I almost dreaded my third ultrasound because I didn't feel pregnant anymore, and now I'm still scared after a third ultrasound that revealed no problems. When do these feelings stop?
I keep telling myself that "at my next appointment, I will let myself be excited". Those appointments have come and gone, and I still have worries and doubts. God has proven over and over again that this pregnancy is just fine. I try my best to rely on His promises to me, but I often allow my thoughts and fears to get me down. I'm hoping that as the pregnancy progresses, my confidence will also. I pray that there is a point in my pregnancy that I can finally breathe a sigh of relief and just enjoy it.
Today has just been one of those days that my thoughts and fears ran wild. I partly blame myself for not shutting them out when they start, and then I partly blame the pregnancy hormones. I am overwhelmed with emotion a good majority of the time. Today has been really hard for no reason at all. I've had about 3 crying spells over nothing. I cry as a type this entry. I am so beyond ready to get to that "magical" point in my pregnancy where my fear subsides. Will it be at the 12 week mark? Will it be at 20 weeks? Will it be at birth? Right now I don't know. I pray that it is sooner rather than later because I would hate to think that I didn't fully embrace every aspect of this pregnancy. It is something I've longed for for several years now. I will be saying lots of prayers to help me get through the remainder of this pregnancy, and I hope that I will begin to be able to let go of the fear and replace it with joy.
RE Graduation/Maternity Clothes Shopping
August 9, 2012
Today is my second scheduled ultrasound at my RE's office (but technically my third since I had that scare a few days ago). If all is well, we should be released to my regular OB. Justin was unable to make it to this ultrasound due to work, so mom and I have planned to go to the doctor today (Thursday) and stay in Frisco tonight so we can do some maternity clothes shopping today and tomorrow before I start back to work in a few weeks.
We left Seymour around 8:30 this morning and arrived in Bedford around 11:15. They got us back to the ultrasound room quickly and began the scan. Immediately Dr. Kevin Doody let me know that the baby was looking good. He took several measurements and I noticed that the baby is still measuring behind by a few days (measuring 8w4d and I am 9w0d). I asked him if this was a problem, and he assured me that a few days off is not a big deal. I pray he is correct. Next he showed us the heart beating away and measured the rate. It has now increased to 173 bpm. He said this is a great heart rate and that it will steadily decrease from now until birth. I was disappointed in the ultrasound pictures today, as they were not nearly as clear as the pictures from my first ultrasound. I remembered after we left the appointment that this was the same machine that Dr. Kathleen Doody had tried to use one time to measure my endometrial lining and she couldn't get accurate measurements and moved me into a room with a better machine. I wish they would have used the better machine today. Oh well.
Another thing that Dr. Kevin mentioned at the appointment was that my chances of miscarriage have now declined to 2-5%. I have a very great chance of having a take-home baby now. They also drew some labs to measure my progesterone and decided it was definitely high enough for me to discontinue the progesterone suppositories (thank goodness!!!). At this point in the pregnancy, the placenta takes over to produce adequate amounts of progesterone. After all the testing was complete, they officially released me to a regular OB. They printed out all of my medical records to take to my new doctor. I'm so excited to have made it this far, and I praise God for getting me here. I am still a little apprehensive about transitioning to a doctor who is not going to give me as much "attention" as I am accustomed to getting with my RE, but it's exciting that my doctor feels that baby and I are doing well enough to take this step.
After the appointment, Mom and I drove to Frisco and grabbed some lunch at Olive Garden. After lunch, we spotted a store called Buy Buy Baby and decided to just take a quick peek at all the adorable baby stuff. It was so much fun to allow myself to think about the crib, bedding, car seats, strollers, etc...
Mom and I determined that we will probably be in lots of trouble when the time comes to start purchasing all of these items.
Next we made a trip to the Stonebriar Mall to do some shopping for maternity clothes. I can't believe I'm actually doing this. I found a ton of new clothes for school. At Motherhood Maternity, they have these strap-on "bumps" to gauge how well your clothes will fit with a growing tummy. I tried on my clothes with a 7-month bump, and it was so much fun to see how I might look in a few months from now. Most of the clothes I purchased already fit right now because I already have an expanding waste line. I'm sure part of my expansion is due to fertility drugs, my very enlarged ovaries (from the egg retrieval), and maybe just a little from my expanding uterus. Even though I realize not all of my growth is due to the baby, I am still enjoying it. While at Motherhood, mom purchased a pregnancy body pillow for me. I've heard they are a lifesaver later in pregnancy. I have tried it out since the purchase, and I love it.
After all of our shopping Mom and I went to supper, made a few more errands, and then returned to our hotel room and purchased a movie to watch on Pay Per View. It was nice to just relax. The next morning, we made it down to the lobby for breakfast and checked out. We went back to Stonebriar for a little more shopping and then began our trip back home.
All in all we had a great mother/daughter trip. I'm allowing myself to get a little more excited about the pregnancy, and I am looking forward to the next several months!
Today is my second scheduled ultrasound at my RE's office (but technically my third since I had that scare a few days ago). If all is well, we should be released to my regular OB. Justin was unable to make it to this ultrasound due to work, so mom and I have planned to go to the doctor today (Thursday) and stay in Frisco tonight so we can do some maternity clothes shopping today and tomorrow before I start back to work in a few weeks.
We left Seymour around 8:30 this morning and arrived in Bedford around 11:15. They got us back to the ultrasound room quickly and began the scan. Immediately Dr. Kevin Doody let me know that the baby was looking good. He took several measurements and I noticed that the baby is still measuring behind by a few days (measuring 8w4d and I am 9w0d). I asked him if this was a problem, and he assured me that a few days off is not a big deal. I pray he is correct. Next he showed us the heart beating away and measured the rate. It has now increased to 173 bpm. He said this is a great heart rate and that it will steadily decrease from now until birth. I was disappointed in the ultrasound pictures today, as they were not nearly as clear as the pictures from my first ultrasound. I remembered after we left the appointment that this was the same machine that Dr. Kathleen Doody had tried to use one time to measure my endometrial lining and she couldn't get accurate measurements and moved me into a room with a better machine. I wish they would have used the better machine today. Oh well.
Another thing that Dr. Kevin mentioned at the appointment was that my chances of miscarriage have now declined to 2-5%. I have a very great chance of having a take-home baby now. They also drew some labs to measure my progesterone and decided it was definitely high enough for me to discontinue the progesterone suppositories (thank goodness!!!). At this point in the pregnancy, the placenta takes over to produce adequate amounts of progesterone. After all the testing was complete, they officially released me to a regular OB. They printed out all of my medical records to take to my new doctor. I'm so excited to have made it this far, and I praise God for getting me here. I am still a little apprehensive about transitioning to a doctor who is not going to give me as much "attention" as I am accustomed to getting with my RE, but it's exciting that my doctor feels that baby and I are doing well enough to take this step.
After the appointment, Mom and I drove to Frisco and grabbed some lunch at Olive Garden. After lunch, we spotted a store called Buy Buy Baby and decided to just take a quick peek at all the adorable baby stuff. It was so much fun to allow myself to think about the crib, bedding, car seats, strollers, etc...
Mom and I determined that we will probably be in lots of trouble when the time comes to start purchasing all of these items.
Next we made a trip to the Stonebriar Mall to do some shopping for maternity clothes. I can't believe I'm actually doing this. I found a ton of new clothes for school. At Motherhood Maternity, they have these strap-on "bumps" to gauge how well your clothes will fit with a growing tummy. I tried on my clothes with a 7-month bump, and it was so much fun to see how I might look in a few months from now. Most of the clothes I purchased already fit right now because I already have an expanding waste line. I'm sure part of my expansion is due to fertility drugs, my very enlarged ovaries (from the egg retrieval), and maybe just a little from my expanding uterus. Even though I realize not all of my growth is due to the baby, I am still enjoying it. While at Motherhood, mom purchased a pregnancy body pillow for me. I've heard they are a lifesaver later in pregnancy. I have tried it out since the purchase, and I love it.
After all of our shopping Mom and I went to supper, made a few more errands, and then returned to our hotel room and purchased a movie to watch on Pay Per View. It was nice to just relax. The next morning, we made it down to the lobby for breakfast and checked out. We went back to Stonebriar for a little more shopping and then began our trip back home.
All in all we had a great mother/daughter trip. I'm allowing myself to get a little more excited about the pregnancy, and I am looking forward to the next several months!
Little Scare
July 30, 2012
Over the weekend I decided to take a trip up to Morton to visit Justin because he was unable to come home for the weekend. When I got there, I decided I would try to make myself useful by cleaning their camper and doing all of their laundry for them since they really don't have the time due to their work schedule.
This was probably not the best idea. All of the cleaning and laundry really wore me out. I had to drive to Lubbock to take all of their bedding and clothes to a laundromat to do all of the laundry. It took several hours, and it was a pain in the butt. Needless to say, I felt terrible afterward and began to have some scary symptoms. My lower back had begun to hurt and I had a few abdominal cramps to go along with it. The combination of the two sent me into a panic (as does pretty much anything else these days).
After having a hysterical, crying meltdown on the phone with my mom on Sunday afternoon, I decided I would call my doctor on Monday if the symptoms did not go away overnight.
I woke up Monday morning (today) and still felt very uneasy about the pregnancy. I called my RE to see what they suggested. They found a fertility specialist in Lubbock and sent orders to their office for an ultrasound to check on the baby. I arrived at their office around 1:45 and my appointment was scheduled for 2:00. They did not see me until 4:00. I was livid to say the least.
The ultrasound revealed that the baby is still doing good. It had a heartbeat of 151 bpm (up significantly from our last ultrasound). I was praising God once again for allowing this baby to be healthy. However, I am still worried since the baby only measured at 7 weeks 0 days and I am 7 weeks 4 days. I am trying to convince myself that the difference is caused by the difference in ultrasound technology in my doctor's office and this office. The convincing is not going too well. I'm grateful that we still have a heartbeat, but the fact that the baby is measuring a few days behind makes me crazy. In an IVF pregnancy, I can't chalk it up to late ovulation. We KNOW the exact day, hour, and minute that our little one was conceived.
Here is a picture from the ultrasound. Now I must wait until August 9 to see if everything is still going well. Here's to another wait.
Over the weekend I decided to take a trip up to Morton to visit Justin because he was unable to come home for the weekend. When I got there, I decided I would try to make myself useful by cleaning their camper and doing all of their laundry for them since they really don't have the time due to their work schedule.
This was probably not the best idea. All of the cleaning and laundry really wore me out. I had to drive to Lubbock to take all of their bedding and clothes to a laundromat to do all of the laundry. It took several hours, and it was a pain in the butt. Needless to say, I felt terrible afterward and began to have some scary symptoms. My lower back had begun to hurt and I had a few abdominal cramps to go along with it. The combination of the two sent me into a panic (as does pretty much anything else these days).
After having a hysterical, crying meltdown on the phone with my mom on Sunday afternoon, I decided I would call my doctor on Monday if the symptoms did not go away overnight.
I woke up Monday morning (today) and still felt very uneasy about the pregnancy. I called my RE to see what they suggested. They found a fertility specialist in Lubbock and sent orders to their office for an ultrasound to check on the baby. I arrived at their office around 1:45 and my appointment was scheduled for 2:00. They did not see me until 4:00. I was livid to say the least.
The ultrasound revealed that the baby is still doing good. It had a heartbeat of 151 bpm (up significantly from our last ultrasound). I was praising God once again for allowing this baby to be healthy. However, I am still worried since the baby only measured at 7 weeks 0 days and I am 7 weeks 4 days. I am trying to convince myself that the difference is caused by the difference in ultrasound technology in my doctor's office and this office. The convincing is not going too well. I'm grateful that we still have a heartbeat, but the fact that the baby is measuring a few days behind makes me crazy. In an IVF pregnancy, I can't chalk it up to late ovulation. We KNOW the exact day, hour, and minute that our little one was conceived.
Here is a picture from the ultrasound. Now I must wait until August 9 to see if everything is still going well. Here's to another wait.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)