First Sonogram

July 24, 2012

Last night I surprisingly got quite a bit of sleep. I prayed before I went to bed for peace and rest. God is good. This morning I got up early and began getting ready for our first sonogram. We left the house around 9 this morning and arrived in Bedford just a few minutes before noon.

Once we got to Bedford, we stopped at Abuelo's to eat lunch. Mexican food has always been my favorite, but today I was unable to eat much of my meal. I began to feel very sick while eating, and I didn't know whether to contribute it to the pregnancy or my nerves.

Even though I have prayed for this day for a long time now, I still had a lot of nerves going on before the appointment. I don't feel like I was distrusting God, I think it was just a natural mixture of emotions that I felt-excitement, nervousness, and maybe just a teeny bit of fear.

After lunch we got back into the horrible traffic and hurried over to our appointment. After I checked in, the wait seemed like it was forever. They finally called us back to one of the sonogram rooms and the doctor came in shortly after that. I prayed while we were waiting and I felt pretty good when she entered the room.

Dr. Kathleen talked with us for a few seconds and then proceeded to perform the sonogram. We were immediately able to see the yolk sac and the teeny tiny baby inside of it. She informed us that this was the "pregnancy". While she was looking around, Justin asked, "Is that the heartbeat?" She replied that he was very good because it was indeed the heartbeat. We could see a tiny little flicker on the screen. It was the most precious little flicker I've seen in my whole life! I immediately thanked God for this little miracle. The doctor zoomed in where we could see the flicker more closely and turned on the sound so we could hear the heartbeat as well. I would have to rank this as one of the happiest moments of my life. Justin was also super excited to learn that we only had ONE little baby growing in there!

After the sonogram was over, they printed out a few pictures of our little one. Dr. Kathleen also told us to come back in about 2 weeks for one more sonogram before they release me to my OB/GYN. They are also going to measure my progesterone that day to see if I'm ready to stop the progesterone suppositories-yay!

I can't wait for the next appointment to see our little one again. I am officially excited about my pregnancy! Here is one of the photos from our baby's first photo shoot:

Day Before First Sonogram

July 23, 2012

Today is the day before our very first sonogram. Am I nervous? That would be an understatement. However, despite my nerves, I have decided to believe and trust in God. He has promised that He is with me in this pregnancy, and I choose to believe Him. He has allowed us to get pregnant, He has allowed my betas to rise appropriately, He has given me several "words" to stand on, and I am choosing to trust that tomorrow He will allow us to see our baby's heartbeat. I have prayed for this day for several weeks now, and I know God is going to be there with me every step of the way.

I can't wait to see my baby for the first time. I know it will be such an emotional moment for me. Justin will be going with me to the appointment, and I think he's excited too (of course he won't come out and say that).

We plan to leave Seymour around 8:45 so we can arrive in Bedford no later than noon. We want to eat lunch together before our appointment. Our appointment is at 1:00. I'm praying that I will get some sleep tonight and that I can keep my nerves at bay tomorrow. I want this to be an exciting and memorable day. I don't want to taint it with unnecessary fear and worry. God is in control. He wants to prosper me and not to harm me-to give me a hope and a future. He knows my pregnant condition and keeps me present before God. That's why I can be so sure that every detail in my life is worked into something good.

I am going to praise His name ahead of time in thanks for our baby's health. He loves me and He loves my baby. He is going to bring us nothing but good things.

Another Counseling Session

July 12, 2012

Today I am exactly 5 weeks pregnant. I drove to Wichita Falls to buy groceries and for my second counseling appointment. I decided to do my grocery shopping before my appointment so that I could come home immediately afterward. I went to United and tried to find foods that sounded good to me. I have had a very strange appetite since becoming pregnant, and it's hard for me to find foods that sound good to me. I know this is cliche, but one of the only things that I actually crave is pickles. I ate a whole jar within about 3 days, and I got so desperate after they were gone that I drank some of the juice. It sounds disgusting, and I've never done that before, but it was good! While at United, I forced myself to buy some fruit even though I am not ever hungry for anything sweet. Right now all I want is really salty junk food with little nutritional value.

After my shopping trip, I drove to my second counseling session. I have decided to begin seeing a counselor during this process because I've had extreme mood swings, very persistent anxiety, and just an overwhelming feeling that I can't get rid of. I have days that I am so excited about being pregnant (finally!), but I also have days that I am so scared that something will go wrong. I'm in this weird place that doesn't allow me to celebrate but also doesn't give me a reason to be upset. I expressed to my counselor that I feel cheated out of my pregnancy experience. I feel like most women get to be excited the second they see their positive pregnancy test. They begin telling their families and friends and start looking at all the cute baby "stuff". I don't get to do that. I know way too much about what can go wrong to celebrate just yet. I've had to go through way more testing and observation already in this pregnancy than what most women will ever experience. I have been robbed of that excitement.

My counselor reminded me that although I can't truly express my excitement right now that there WILL be a point in my pregnancy that I can finally feel relaxed and excited. She agrees that that time will probably be somewhere after the 12 week mark after the riskiest period of the pregnancy is over with. She can relate with my experience because she too has gone through the tragedy of miscarriage and infertility problems. She has had 4 pregnancies, but only 1 child. She can relate to the anxiety that I feel right now as I just try to make it through each day-sometimes one hour at a time.

This week my counselor has encouraged me to try to operate some in excitement instead of solely in fear. She asked me to look at magazines with baby clothes, nursery items, etc... She also said I could create a board on Pinterest where I could begin "pinning" ideas for my dream nursery. I am going to try to allow myself to do a few of those things this week. Will I spend hours and hours on it? Probably not. But I am going to allow myself to have just a little room for getting excited about this baby.

Cheerleading Camp Day 1

July 9, 2012

Today was the first day of the junior high cheerleading camp. We now do camp here at home and hire a private instructor to teach the cheers and dances-thank goodness! I have no desire to go out of town for several days with 8 pre-teens and teens. I can't believe that I used to be this age, and it doesn't seem like it was that long ago.

Camp begins at 9 A.M. and ends at 4 P.M., so it gives me a lot to do throughout the day. I spend part of the time watching and helping the girls, and then I spend part of my time getting things ready for the beginning of school. It's been good to have a "schedule" to keep my mind off the pregnancy.

Later tonight I will be going to my grandmother's house to watch the Bachelorette. I'm looking forward to spending time with her and Kayla.

There's not much else to report. I'm feeling OK still other than being really tired and having a weird appetite. I'm still in prayer everyday that God is growing and developing our child/children and that our sonogram will go perfectly in about 2 weeks.

Church

July 8, 2012

This morning I got up and went to church. Instead of our regular preacher doing the sermon today, we had one of the church's former preachers giving the sermon.

Have you ever gone to church after having a really rough week and found that the preacher was preaching right to your situation? That happened today.

The sermon was about freedom and slavery. When we think about freedom, we like to think that we have more freedom when nobody is able to tell us what to do. In America, we feel that we have rights and none of us would consider ourselves slaves. This sermon challenged that view by pointing out that we are all born into slavery. Slavery is NOT an option. We are either slaves to our own desires, sins, and fears OR we are slaves to God. When we become slaves to our own desires, sins, and fears, we actually lose freedom. We come under the spirit of slavery which produces fear and anxiety in our lives. When we choose to proclaim God as our Master, we are choosing real freedom even though we are submitting to His will for our lives.

This point can be further proven by thinking of ourselves as children. In the Bible, many times you will hear the scriptures telling us that we need to become childlike. It tells us we are the children of God. When we are children, our parents make all of our decisions for us. We have no rights, we trust our parents, and we don't have to fear anything because our parents have all the responsibility. When we try to be "adults" and don't allow God to be our Father and our provider, we take on fears and anxiety and burdens that we were never meant to carry.

This message hit home with me today. All week I've chosen to be a slave to my fears and anxieties and burdens about this pregnancy. All of those feelings are a demonic spirit of slavery and I don't have the right to feel those feelings. I must trust in my heavenly Father to provide for me. He wants me to be happy and healthy. I must choose to forfeit my "rights" and become a child so that my Father can guide me and lead me on the path He wants me to go. I have no reason to worry. He has all the responsibility. I just have to wake up and eat the breakfast that He has already prepared for me-just like a child in his parent's home!

Beta Day #2

July 7, 2012

Today I had my second scheduled beta blood test. My last beta was 2 days ago, and it measured at 43. The nurse had told me that my beta must increase by at least 60% by today. (That isn't quite double because double would be an increase of 100%. Remember that it has to double every 48-72 hours. It's only been 48, so mine only has to be around a 60% increase.)

My dad volunteered to ride with me to Bedford today to have the blood work.  I couldn't have the blood work done in Wichita Falls today because LabCorp is not open on Saturdays. Justin is still working in Morton, and I'm pretty sure my mom did not want me going alone-so my dad volunteered. Isn't he great? We had lots of good conversation on the way there and back. I'm glad he went.

We arrived in Bedford about 30 minutes early, and they got me in immediately. It took all of about 5 minutes to do the blood draw and we were done. When we left, it was only about 10:45 AM. Although I hadn't eaten breakfast, I still was not hungry. We decided to start driving back toward home and that we would stop in Decatur for lunch in hopes that my appetite would be there a little later.

We stopped at Chili's in Decatur, and before we even got our food, my doctor's office was calling with the results. My heart was pounding. The nurse sounded chipper on the phone, so I immediately felt a little relief. She then said, "Your beta came back great! It rose to 124, which is more than double!" I was so excited! It was exactly what we had prayed for. Thank you God. She also told me that they would not need to see me again until my first sonogram in 2 weeks. She transferred me to a receptionist to schedule my sonogram. It will be on July 24 at 1:00 PM. So happy!

I immediately called Justin and shared the good news. Next was my mom. Finally I called Kayla to let her know that our prayer for the 120's was heard. I feel a little more at peace now. I know I'm pregnant, and I'm going to enjoy it as much as possible. This is where I've wanted to be for 2 years now. I'm not going to let worry and anxiety and Satan steal this experience away from me. My baby/babies are growing, and God is with me every step of the way. He has shown me His presence over and over and over again throughout this journey. He has given me a promise that I am going to stand firmly upon.

Once dad and I returned home, I took a nap. I was exhausted. It was the best sleep I've had in several days. Tonight Justin will be home from Morton, and I'm excited to see him. This week has turned out way better than how I expected. I'm in a place where I feel more comfortable, and I believe God is going to continue building my faith as time goes on in this pregnancy.

Staying Busy

July 6, 2012

Today is the day before my next scheduled beta. Even though I received great news yesterday, I am still concerned that my beta won't rise as it should by tomorrow. I still don't feel pregnant-well, other than fatigue and no appetite. I'm so scared.

I stayed busy by cleaning the house and doing laundry today. That took up the majority of the day. I also asked Kayla to come over for supper (she has had me over several times this week, so I wanted to return the favor).

After supper, we watched The Help on HBO. We also talked about how I was feeling about tomorrow's beta test. I confided that although yesterday's test went really well, I was still nervous since my beta started out so low. She reminded me of God's promises to me and assured me that everything would turn out great. She asked me what I would want the beta to be so that I would feel comfortable. I said I would love for it to triple and be in the 120's. She said we needed to specifically pray for that number.

Before I went to bed, I specifically prayed for the little baby/babies growing inside of me. I prayed that God would nourish them and protect them and grow them. I asked that God would finally bless me with the opportunity to be a mother-to raise the baby/babies. I also prayed that my beta would rise appropriately-specifically into the 120s. I'm sure Kayla prayed also (and my mom and dad and Justin).

I didn't sleep a wink. Okay maybe a wink, but not much more than that. I was a nervous wreck. Tomorrow could not get here fast enough!

Beta Day

July 5, 2012

So today is the day of my first scheduled beta (hCG) pregnancy test. Two days ago I freaked out and got an early beta test in Seymour. It only measured 23 at 7dp5dt. I really felt like this was going to be a chemical pregnancy.

Kayla and I left Seymour early this morning to drive to Wichita Falls to LabCorp. My doctor's office is allowing me to have my beta blood work ran here so I don't have to drive all the way to Bedford. We arrived at LabCorp at 8:30 AM. Within 10 minutes, they had drawn my blood and we were leaving.

After we left LabCorp, I decided to stop by Sonic to grab a quick breakfast. Then Kayla and I went to Target to do some shopping. After Target, we drove to the mall to see if I could find a dress for Jonathon's wedding. I finally found one! After the shopping was complete, we decided we wanted to go see a movie. We chose to see Madea's Witness Protection because I really needed a good laugh after all this stress.

During the previews, my phone started ringing. It was my doctor's office. I ran out of the theater so I could answer the phone. The nurse on the other end said, "We've got your beta results back, and you're pregnant!" I sat there. Not a word. Then I finally had the courage to ask, "What was the number?" She responded, "Your beta measured 43. We will want to do a repeat beta in 2 days, and we will want your beta to rise at least 60%. Continue taking your progesterone and estrogen, and we will see you then! Congratulations!" I. Was. Stunned! My beta rose! It wasn't falling! It had almost doubled in 48 hours! (For those of you who are not familiar with betas, your beta during early pregnancy should double every 48-72 hours. If it doesn't double in this time frame, it usually indicates a problem with the pregnancy.)

For my beta to rise is definitely a God thing. I have been detecting this pregnancy for almost a week on a home pregnancy test that is supposed to BEGIN measuring at 25 units of hCG. That means your hCG has to be AT LEAST 25 units to register. 2 days ago mine was only 23. How did it rise? Prayers and God. That is the only logical explanation.

I walked back into the theater and told Kayla the astounding news. We were both ecstatic. I texted my mom the news and told her I would call her after the movie. After the movie was over, I called Justin to share the news with him. He thought I was a lunatic for stressing so much a few days before this. Maybe I am, but this is stressful!!!

Now comes another wait.

Retail Therapy

July 4, 2012

Today my mother and I decided to take a shopping trip to Frisco to find dresses for my brother's upcoming wedding. I figured it would be a good idea to go so I could get my mind off the news from yesterday.

When we arrived at the mall, we immediately began hunting for dresses for the both of us. We went from one store to another to another. We weren't having very good luck. I found one dress that I loved, but it wasn't in my size. I found a few more dresses along the way, but they were way out of my price range and I'm just not spending that much money on a dress that I can only wear once (most of them were one-shoulder dresses that aren't appropriate for work).

After several hours of unsuccessful shopping, we decided to take a lunch break. We ate at The Cheesecake Factory. The food was delicious, but I just couldn't eat much. I decided it was my nerves. I have had almost no appetite lately.

We resumed our shopping after taking the lunch break. We revisited some stores that we had briefly walked through earlier in the morning. Mom finally found a really cute dress for her. I still had no luck. Maybe it was my mood? I was exhausted and ready to go home by the end of the day.

Tomorrow I have a big day ahead of me. It's the day that I had been looking forward to during this entire process-the day of my first pregnancy test. Now it's a day that I'm dreading. I don't want bad news. I don't want to have to start all over.

Crash and Burn

July 3, 2012

Today I scheduled the first cheerleading practice of the summer. I finally have some time to devote to this commitment since I am no longer having to drive to Bedford so often. I am the sponsor for the Junior High cheerleaders, and I have neglected this responsibility the whole month of June so I could focus on my treatments.

Before I left for practice, I decided to take another pregnancy test to see if it had gotten any darker since the last time I took one. I wanted the line to get darker and darker so that I could feel like my hCG level was rising appropriately. BIG MISTAKE. The line had actually gotten fainter than my last test. I freaked. I called the clinic here in Seymour to request a quantitative hCG blood test. I am only 7dp5dt (7 days post 5 day transfer) and I'm not scheduled for my first hCG blood draw until 9dp5dt (2 days from now). I wanted to check it early to see how low or high it was since that evil stick is indicating that I'm already losing hCG.

I arrived at the clinic about 15 minutes before my scheduled practice to get the lab orders. I quickly walked over to the hospital to have the blood draw. Then came the wait.

I arrived at practice right on time. My mind was not there though. All I could think about was that I am already miscarrying. I felt sick. During practice, the clinic called with my beta (hCG) results. It was only 23. I freaked again. Most pregnancy tests only begin to detect hCG when it rises above 25. That would have to mean that at one time my hCG got above 25 (since the at home pregnancy test detected it), and now it must be plummeting! I called an end to practice after about 2 hours and quickly got the girls to leave before I had a complete meltdown.

I called Justin and told him it was happening again. We were losing the baby. He was understandably upset and hated that I was going through this again. I drove to my mom's shop and shared the news with her while I cried. I told her I just did not understand. I called the doctor's office in Bedford to share the news with them and to ask when I could begin a new IVF cycle. I was so concerned about fitting in another cycle before school starts so that I won't be taking off work for it. The nurse told me that a beta of 23 wasn't "that bad" for 7dp5dt and that I would need to still have the scheduled beta on 9dp5dt to see if it rises or falls.

I decided that I am not even going to let my mind feel like there is any hope. A lot of people online start out with betas above 100 and even 200. At 2 days before my scheduled beta, mine is only 23. I'm devastated, but I'm ready to get the next beta over with so I can know what is next.

So, we wait.

Outside Help

July 2, 2012

Today I had an appointment with a Christian counselor that I sought out for help in managing my anxiety and worry throughout this very emotional process of IVF. I made an appointment with her because I feel that there are days where I do not handle my anxiety in a healthy way. In a previous post, I mentioned that my way of coping is by doing an unbelievable amount of research on any symptom or issue that I am experiencing during this process. There are times that research can give me a temporary sense of relief, but there are also times that it can scare me to death! I'm pretty sure it's not something I should really be doing all the time.

When I arrived at the counselor's office, she began asking why I was seeking help. I explained to her how stressed I stay throughout the process of infertility and that I just needed an "outside" opinion about how I need to handle all the emotions that are involved. The session was very emotional, but I got some really great advice.

The counselor recommended that every time I feel my anxiety building that instead of researching I should find a scripture to stand on instead. This sounds great in theory, but I know I'm going to have a hard time doing this. She also recommended that when I begin to feel anxious, just pray about whatever is on my mind. If that means I have to pray 30 times a day, then I need to pray 30 times a day. I know I can do this because I have already been praying about every detail of this process for months now. She also told me to take one day at a time and not to think too far into the future because it can be overwhelming. She is right. I tend to think out every possible scenario that could take place between point A and point B, and by the time I find solutions to every scenario, I feel absolutely overwhelmed and depressed.

Later this evening I went to my grandmother's house to spend time with her and Kayla. On Monday nights, we always watch the Bachelor/Bachelorette together. We also share things that we are experiencing throughout the week. I brought up the fact that I am having a VERY difficult time with trusting God during this process. Both my grandmother and Kayla gave me encouraging words and advice that made me feel better when I left.

When I arrived home after visiting with my grandmother, I received a text message from Kayla. The text said that God had given her a scripture for me. It was Romans 8:26-28: "Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray it doesn't matter. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives is worked into something good." She had not looked in the glossary in the back of the bible for verses pertaining to pregnancy. It was just a scripture that God laid upon her heart. A promise to me.

I felt a little more at peace before I went to sleep tonight.

Up Again on the Roller Coaster

July 1, 2012

Yes, this is my second post of the day. Like I said, I am an emotional roller coaster, so some days are more eventful than others. This happens to be one of them. Earlier this morning I confessed to POAS (peeing on a stick) way too early in my IVF cycle. It was negative, and I was convinced that this cycle was doomed. I called my mom in complete hysteria about how it was over. I am 5dp5dt (5 days post 5 day transfer). That means that it has been five days since they transferred our 5-day-old embryos back into my uterus.

Since the transfer, I have done nothing but research IVF success/failure stories online. I've read just about every blog and joined all sorts of online infertility support groups. This is my way of coping. I research. Through all my research, I discovered that many women going through infertility treatments also have a POAS addiction like mine. They can't wait to see if maybe, just maybe they might see a positive. I also discovered that many women began to get very very faint positives using FRER (First Response Early Results) pregnancy tests on 4dp5dt, 5dp5dt, and 6dp5dt. With this newfound knowledge, I couldn't resist the stick. Yesterday at 4dp5dt I thought I saw just the slightest hint of a second line on the test. I couldn't be sure that my mind wasn't playing tricks on me.

This morning I woke up at 4:00 needing to use the bathroom. That's convenient since I now have this POAS addiction. I decided to test again to see if the line had become darker. It had not. It was stark white-hence the meltdown that can be read about in my previous blog post.

Later on this morning, I must confess that I was once again tempted by those evil sticks that are lurking in my bathroom. This time, I decided to get a disposable cup to pee into so that I could try dipping the stick instead of peeing on it. I thought maybe this approach would somehow yield a different result, and to my complete amazement, IT DID! I again saw a very faint second line in the test window! Could it be?

I called my husband to tell him to hurry home so he could confirm my findings. He indeed spotted the faint second line in the test window. We are pregnant! I'm not crazy after all!  I called my mom back to inform her of the turn of events, and she said that she and my dad had been praying nonstop since my first call earlier in the morning. God indeed heard their prayers along with my desperate pleas.

The second I saw that coveted second line, I immediately began praising Jesus. Words cannot express how ecstatic I am. Am I still cautious and anxious about our growing baby/babies? Without a doubt, yes. But this is the closest we've been to being pregnant in SO LONG. I am so grateful.

After the overly dramatic morning I had, I went to my parents house for a family gathering. We had a lot of family come into town this weekend for a visit. It was nice to get out of the house and have something else to think about besides pee, sticks, and little pink lines!!!

Once I got home, I must admit that I once again POAS just to make sure that this morning wasn't a fluke. The second line has become just a tad darker and it came up immediately. I'm definitely preggers! I can't wait until Thursday to have it confirmed, and then I won't be able to wait for that first sonogram. But for the time being, I am going to enjoy finally being pregnant.

I Want Off the Roller Coaster

July 1, 2012

I want off this miserable roller coaster ride. It is truly making me sick. I am currently in the dreaded 2WW (2 week wait) that only women who go through infertility can understand. It's that period of time after your embryo transfer where you can do nothing but wait and see if you are pregnant. You are hoping you are pregnant (some women claim they are PUPO-Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise), but I'm not the type of person to take on that type of thinking. To believe that I am pregnant means that I could potentially face a HUGE disappointment. I'm not willing to go there.

I'm a realist. Even though my doctor told us we had greater than a 70% chance of success this cycle, I realize I might be that other 30%. I would much rather prepare myself for the disappointment than to be blindsided by it. In fact, yesterday my mother and I made a trip to Wichita Falls to do a little shopping. I decided I would purchase some pregnancy tests so I can start taking them every morning leading up to my blood test. I would rather know that my blood test is going to be negative beforehand, rather than the doctor's office call me with that information. I took one yesterday, and I swore I saw the FAINTEST second line if I turned the stick just right. I probably just wanted it to be there so badly that I imagined it.

Later yesterday evening I began having what feels like menstrual cramps. Achy back, crampy abdomen, all the tell tale signs of your impending period. Great. I've read online that some women swore their periods were coming but turned out to be pregnant. Pregnancy symptoms sometimes mock menstrual symptoms. Hope they are right, but I am not getting my hopes up. Justin came home last night from Morton, and the second he walked in the door he asked, "How are you and baby doing?". I broke down and just cried and told him I felt like my period was coming.

This morning I woke up and POAS (peed on a stick). It had one line, and the rest of the test was stark white. Not even a faint line. Yep, I probably imagined the line yesterday. I know it's still pretty early to be testing, but the First Response Early Results box says that almost 100% of women who were pregnant got their results 4 days prior to their missed period. Yesterday was 5 days before I was supposed to test, and today was 4 days. I'm pretty sure I'm not pregnant. I called my mom and cried.

To try to explain how frustrating and devastating this process can be is just impossible. It's the worst hurt I've ever experienced in my lifetime. I have prayed over these babies for months, and I feel completely abandoned by God. I know that is not reality. God does not abandon us. But that's how I FEEL, and I can't help how I feel. I want Him to tell me WHY he is not allowing this to be easier for us. I have been looking forward to a positive pregnancy test for MONTHS now. We have spent more than I make in a YEAR on these treatments. We have 5 more IVF cycles after this one to get pregnant, but I DON'T WANT TO DO IT ANYMORE! I want off the roller coaster. I want to be done. How do you pick yourself back up and do this again?!

I am trying to stay positive, but I don't know that I have a whole lot of hope in order to do that at this point. Once I get negative news, it just shatters my whole world. This has been my whole life for the past few months. It's the only thing I've focused on. I've spent a whole month of my life giving injections into my abdomen for this? I just don't understand. Maybe God will pull through and I will get that positive test, but it would truly be a miracle.

I'm ready for the next few days to be over with. I want to know one way or the other so I can have some peace. If we have to do another cycle, we will be running into all kinds of new obstacles that make me sick to think about. I will be working again-at a new job. I will have the stress of going through all this treatment again compounded by the stress of my new teaching job. I have a new boss that may or may not be very understanding about the time I will have to spend away from work. I desperately hope that I will not have to face those struggles and that this will be it for us. I must continue praying and trusting that God knows what He's doing even if it makes no sense to me.