August 11, 2012
It has only been two days since my last ultrasound (which went just fine by the way), and I still have an overwhelming sense of trepidation and fear for the health of our baby. Will this feeling ever pass? Just two days ago I received confirmation that our baby still has a very strong, healthy heartbeat. Even though the little one was measuring just a few days behind (8 weeks 4 days when I was 9 weeks 0 days), the doctor seemed to feel that the pregnancy was perfectly normal. In fact, he released me to a regular OB. That is a huge step for anyone who has undergone IVF to achieve a pregnancy, so why do I still have an overwhelming feeling that I can't celebrate just yet?
My mom and I went shopping for maternity clothes after my ultrasound, and I can wear them due to the expansion of my waste line during the IVF process. I think part of my "bump" is due to fertility drugs, partly due to enlarged ovaries from the egg retrieval process, and maybe slightly due to an expanding uterus from the pregnancy. It's hard to tell. Anyway, when I wear the clothes, I actually feel and look like I'm pregnant. I am happy about this. However, I began to have really crappy thoughts about something that is usually fun for a first-time mom. Instead of being able to enjoy looking and feeling pregnant in my new maternity clothes, I am plagued with thought like this: "Should I really rip the tags off this shirt/pair of pants and wear them right now? What if in a few weeks I found out that something has gone wrong? Then I won't be able to return the clothes and I will have wasted a lot of money." When I made my pregnancy announcement on facebook, I immediately thought, "What if I have to make another announcement letting everyone know that we've miscarried?" I hate that infertility has robbed me of many of the joys of pregnancy. I feel unable to get truly excited about finally being pregnant because I live in fear that at any minute it will all be ripped away from me. I didn't get excited about my first home pregnancy test, I didn't get excited about my first blood pregnancy test, I had extreme anxiety and fear at my first ultrasound, I had fear following my second ultrasound, I almost dreaded my third ultrasound because I didn't feel pregnant anymore, and now I'm still scared after a third ultrasound that revealed no problems. When do these feelings stop?
I keep telling myself that "at my next appointment, I will let myself be excited". Those appointments have come and gone, and I still have worries and doubts. God has proven over and over again that this pregnancy is just fine. I try my best to rely on His promises to me, but I often allow my thoughts and fears to get me down. I'm hoping that as the pregnancy progresses, my confidence will also. I pray that there is a point in my pregnancy that I can finally breathe a sigh of relief and just enjoy it.
Today has just been one of those days that my thoughts and fears ran wild. I partly blame myself for not shutting them out when they start, and then I partly blame the pregnancy hormones. I am overwhelmed with emotion a good majority of the time. Today has been really hard for no reason at all. I've had about 3 crying spells over nothing. I cry as a type this entry. I am so beyond ready to get to that "magical" point in my pregnancy where my fear subsides. Will it be at the 12 week mark? Will it be at 20 weeks? Will it be at birth? Right now I don't know. I pray that it is sooner rather than later because I would hate to think that I didn't fully embrace every aspect of this pregnancy. It is something I've longed for for several years now. I will be saying lots of prayers to help me get through the remainder of this pregnancy, and I hope that I will begin to be able to let go of the fear and replace it with joy.
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