As I promised in an earlier post, I am writing a blog post that describes some of the inappropriate "condolences" that many people say to couples struggling with infertility.
Don't get me wrong, I love that people are concerned and want to make me feel better about my situation, but there are some things that can be said with good intentions that really hurt more than help. A few of these quotes are as follows:
-"If you can't have a child of your own, you can always just adopt." I know people who say this particular thing are trying to get me to see an "upside" to my situation, but right now that's not where my heart is leading me. I want a child that has mine and my husband's features. I want to be able to look into my child's eyes and see us in them. I want to experience the blessing of carrying a child and giving birth. I want to have that bond with my child during breastfeeding. I want all the things that go along with pregnancy. It doesn't make me feel any better to hear I can always adopt. I know that's an option, but it's not something I want to do right now. I want to exhaust my options of having our own biological child first. I don't need someone to disregard my feelings by telling me I have adoption as an alternative.
-"If you would quit trying, it will happen." Really? I've been to several OB/GYNs and to a fertility specialist, and not one of them has told us that that was a treatment option. How do you "quit trying" anyway? Does that mean that you cease from having sex with your husband? How do you get pregnant when you aren't having sex? I always have to really bite my tongue when this stupid comment is made. I know they think that I'm not getting pregnant because I'm too stressed about it, but who wouldn't be when you've been trying for 2 years?
-"God just doesn't think it's the right time for you to have a baby." Since when do you hold all of God's thoughts and plans about my life? I don't believe that God would give me such a strong desire to be a mother if I wasn't supposed to be one. Sometimes things happen to us that are really hard to get through, but that doesn't mean that God wants that for you. Would you tell a cancer patient who wasn't responding to their treatment that it wasn't God's will for them to get better? This comment really angers me because the God that I serve doesn't want to see his children suffer. He knows how miserable I am while going through this struggle with infertility, and I believe He has given humans the knowledge, the authority, and the capability of bypassing some of these problems that are actually from Satan and intends for us to use that knowledge and authority. I believe it is His will for us to be doing these fertility treatments. I don't believe he has CAUSED my infertility, but I do believe he is going to use this struggle to better me and is using this opportunity to be glorified when we do conceive.
-"Are you sure you really want kids? You can have mine!" I know the person who makes this type of comment is trying to use humor to make me feel better about my situation, but it really hurts my feelings more than it helps. Yes I'm sure that I want kids. I've had plenty of time to think about this. I never said I want kids because it's going to be a walk in the park and everything is going to be perfect all the time. It makes me furious that they would take having children for granted and act like it's such a burden. I know that raising a child is going to have its ups and downs, but since I have gone through the pain of not having that blessing, I will appreciate every moment-the good and the bad.
These are just a few of the most common examples of inappropriate comments that I've experienced so far. I'm sure I will have more to post before it's all said and done, so I will update this post as needed.
Hopefully anyone who reads this blog can learn from my experiences so they do not unintentionally hurt another couple who is struggling with this same issue. The best way to be a friend to someone struggling with infertility is to just listen and have sympathy and empathize with them. You don't necessarily need to say something to make them "feel better". Nothing you say is going to take away their pain. Instead, just listen to them when they are down and let them know you are always a shoulder to cry on when they need you.
Well said.
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